How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

I am totally with you. You will get a pile on here - people never think it will happen to them but I’m another one that was abused by a friends dad. It does happen. You’ve got to think of others coming into the home as well. Older brothers and their friends etc. I said no to dd when she was in y5 and explained about safety and never really knowing parents etc. She was ok with it but then in y6 it became really difficult. Girls were doing sleepovers on almost a weekly basis and poor dd was heartbroken watching them all go off with rucksacks on a Friday night from school. I ended up doing sleepovers myself at ours so she had the experience of it and then just recently I reluctantly let her go to one. I knew the parents pretty well and there were others going. I gave her an old phone to take. Although she had fun, she didn’t enjoy roughing it on the floor and has said she doesn’t want to go to any others and is very happy to just host sleepovers at our house. Lucky me! I guess what I’m saying is you’re not wrong to take the line you are but prepare yourself for it being very difficult and you might need to look at how you compensate for it as girl friendships become very tricky at this age.

No it is helpful, thank you, and so sorry you went through that. What you’ve described is my fear but doesn’t make me think she should go to sleepovers at a younger age, more likely never!
thanks for the suggestions, I’ll give them some thought

Time over again I would have made different decisions....let her go, she may be calling you at some point to collect her. Before you know it she will be leaving for university.

Either tell her the truth or let her go.

She will work it out in time. Lies won't help you.

Yes she has slept in her home with her father who I know well, and has also stayed at family members homes when we have been there.
Yes other girls would be there too.

She has a residential coming up soon. I don’t feel 100% about it but I feel more comfortable that the female teachers who are DBS checked will be taking care of her rather than her sleeping in a house with a man who I know but don’t know really well.

Hi OP. I'm the same, blanket no to sleepovers. DD is nearly 9 and her closest friends do sleepovers. I let her stay there in her pjs until 10pm then pick her up. I'm.just not comfortable with it as I don't know the parents well enough. Plus there was abuse iny family so it's just a no. You're not the only one.

Those things aren’t even true, I just don’t want to tell her what my own fears are ie. That she might be sexually abused. That’s why I’m on here asking what’s the best thing to say.

@PrettyFly4- Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that both you and your mum were able to overcome what happened to you. Speaking from personal experience, this type of abuse is unfortunately far more common than most people would think.

Thank you, I appreciate this message

Thank you, I appreciate that. I was starting to think I was from a lot of the others replies! Clearly a lot disagree with me (IRL and on here) which is what makes it more difficult.

She's going to be mad however you spin it. I can think back to being that age and i'd have been devastated to be missing out.

You just need to own the fact you're saying no and deal with her being upset.

Thank you for your message, and so sorry to read what happened to you. Makes sense why you are doing things that you are for your DD. I’m glad she seems happy with your decisions.
I don’t mind the idea of doing sleepovers here at some point but again it’s like how do I say my house is OK but your house isn’t? I feel like I’m telling the other parents that I think the dad is a paedo.

What like “I’m worried Scarlet’s dad might abuse you in the night”?

Pretty much yeah.

Or alternatively let her go and potentially be abused by ‘Scarlets’ dad?
Not sure about that advice TBH

@pilates27 thank you ❤️. It had a huge impact on my life and resulted in a downward spiral which resulted in me being homeless at 16 and a breakdown in my relationship with my mum.

I never spoke up at the time and just went off the rails and I was so very angry at the world. The truth only came to light when the monster passed away several years later and lots of camera footage was uncovered. 4 of my friends were effected and several of the girls older siblings friends.

I've had lots of therapy and I'm in a much better place, although I have several problems with intimacy and being touched. I don't think my poor mum will ever forgive herself, not only for the incident but for her reactions to my behaviour afterwards. I just wanted the OP to know that she's not overreacting and that even though it is rare these things do happen.

**Sorry to hijack there OP 🙉

That’s terrible and I’m so sorry that not only that it happened but also that you suffered so much afterwards and how much it affected your life.
What you’ve described, albeit a rare occurrence (although not that rare based on PPs) is exactly my fear and I don’t want to allow sleepovers against my better judgment and then the worst happens, I’d never forgive myself. And I’d rather DD feels left out than feel how you have described.
Sending you love and glad you are in a better place in your life now.

@NoSleepOver you can’t really and I guess parents might take it that way. It’s a conundrum for sure. Tbh though I’m at the point where I’m past caring what the other parents think. I don’t think people should take offence over someone worrying about their child. Nobody in my household would do anything to harm anyone, we don’t drink, do drugs or smoke but I don’t expect other people to know all those things for sure. Your child is the most precious thing. Do what you think best for you and your dd and don’t worry about how it seems to others.

@PrettyFly4 I’m really sorry too

I think it's hard one and I allow my 9yo DD to go to houses where I know both parents well (in practice that's 2 friends). It helps that in her case she gets anxious at night anyway so the theory is better than the reality.

Genuine question to those pp who suggest compromising by picking up your DD up in pjs at 10pm -does the ability for a predator to abuse a child really change at a certain time of day or night? I'm not sure the risk is that different. A predator can push the boundaries of touching or suggestive comments at any time and in broad daylight.

Maybe the risk is still lower when the whole group of children are awake though? I genuinely don't know.

I don't think you need to persuade her, just say no. She's too young to be making these choices, and sometimes getting into a debate makes her think she has a chance to change your mind.

I was never allowed to sleep over at people's houses and didn't until I was 17 I think - I still went to parties etc but was collected at 11. Hated it at the time. Then found out what a friend's brother had been doing to our friends and was glad I wasn't there for it. My mum had totally unrelated and different anxieties about sleep overs but that's by the by.

It's fucking horrible to think about but it's not a risk I'm willing to take with my children, either. You can't tell who's a pedo just by looking at them. And these days with spy cameras etc easily available to buy on Amazon, absolutely the fuck not.

This is quite frankly batshit. Instead of just saying "it's a rule that Dad and I have, end of" start freaking her out about being PHOTOGRAPHED SECRETLY and the photos being shared on the internet?! This is an awful response. And then telling her she is not 'emotionally developed'. Jesus christ.

OP I think you have to be very much "it's just a rule we have in your best interests, not up for discussion at the moment". Sometimes parenting has to be a hierarchy, not a democracy. Also if you said anything like 'we don't know the parents well enough' she may tell her friends and it could get back to the parents who could take offence.

@HateThese4Leggedbeasts in my experience, the abuse took place once everyone was assumed to be in a deep sleep, no witnesses and less likely the victim will wake up during. I did wake up (although I pretended not to) but I know some others slept through and weren't even aware until evidence came to light. I think these kind of abusers like to do so with no witnesses.

Does p**s mean peados?