How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

I do let friends come to the house, nowhere have I said I don’t and won’t. I’ve just said nobody had stayed over yet.
Neither have I said I don’t know the parents, not sure where you got that from either.

Therapy I don’t need thanks, and hoping my DD isn’t one of the ones who needs therapy from being abused at a sleepover.
Parent classes for what? Do they teach you to send your kids off to sleep at peoples houses? I think not dear and suspect that you are indeed the troubled one here, not I

I think letting her go and collecting her at 10/10.30 is a great idea suggested here and allows her to be part of the fun with her friends but also allows you to protect her.

As predicted, a pile on…
@Bbq1 better left out than sexually assaulted. Some of us on this thread have had the experience to know that there are worse things in life than being left out.

I've never heard of a parent not allowing a child to have a sleepover aged 10.

You also need to be careful with your wording as it will get back to the other parents. I'd respect your decision and I do understand where you're coming from but I'd still find it hard to be friends with someone who didn't trust me.

So scary to read so many of these, and also scary how many posters are oblivious to this stuff happening. Sorry that happened to you and glad you felt able to and were able to stop it.

I didn’t allow sleepovers, as I didn’t want to return the offer, we have enough children, and didn’t want the nightmare of no sleep and lots of other people’s children marauding around the house.

Oh and some rooms aren't that tidy, those rooms where we throw everything, when we tidy other rooms.

And I just didn’t want to have other kids staying.

Kids may enjoy them, but lots of parents moan about them.

100% agree. Abusers abuse, equip your child to be strong and vocal. Don’t terrify her about ‘secret cameras’ and tell her not to be a passive aggressive idiot that puts laughing emojis on others’ posts. That should do it

I do want to be careful/mindful. Hence why I’m on here asking.

Op I think you’re dead right.
I work with sex offenders and have come across many who abused their children’s friends or their sisters friends at sleepovers. They are from all walks of life. One was an ex mayor.
All very ‘normal’ , appear so pleasant and you would never believe that they were capable of doing such a horrific thing but they did.
And yes, it was mostly when they thought the children were asleep.
My daughter will certainly not be going on any sleepovers for the foreseeable

If you keep saying no, your wording is irrelevant because they will understand you think they may be paedos though!

People aren't that dumb and will see through shit excuses.

Because as time passes, children tend to be making their own social plans. Your Dd is almost at secondary and those are the years that a lot of bonding is done during sleepovers and through spending time at each others houses. She won't be involved in those plans. Ban your daughter from sharing social experiences with her peers, that's fine and you just go on thinking all of her friends parents and families are child abusers. When you turn their invitations down at least stand by your principles and explain it's a "no, because I think you might be paedophiles or sex offenders".

It was a very creepy experience. I have allowed my child to have a couple of sleep overs but that is always in my mind. She went through that phase at 9/10 now shes almost 12 doesn’t want to go.

I don’t keep saying no, she’s just been asked once and here we are

Yep this.

Tis not healthy OP

We don't do sleepovers either, blanket policy. I collect early from sleepover parties. I have said "In our family, we don't do sleepovers. This is for many reasons, including that I don't know what Internet controls they have in place." My DC know I am always going on about the internet, whether about the damage to attention spans, or plain stupidity. So I need not give the more serious reasons. As my first DC gets older I am able to share with her more of my concerns, such as the use of social media if not properly supervised etc. There is no negative impact on her social life at all, and DC are accepting it as one of those non-negotiables, like brushing teeth. They see their friends loads otherwise also.

So terrible reading some of the experiences people have had with creepy relatives of family/friends . My parents were always worried sick letting me go to sleepovers - something they never let on at the time. I’m so glad they did always let me go. I remember everyone trying to stay awake all night, midnight snacks and the mums of whoever was hosting getting completely sick of us all by 3am🤣. I had friends who weren’t allowed to go to sleepovers and it just made them the odd one out. I also had one friend who was never allowed on school residentials or some of the cool trips abroad which felt ludicrous as they couldn’t have been any safer with the amazing teachers we had.

Given what I know now, if I had a daughter I would just hope that I’d trust the parents enough for it to be an easy call. Wouldn’t want her to miss out. As someone else said here: female friendships are tricky enough at that age and sleepovers can be a fun way to bond.

My son went to a friend’s house and the parents went out and left the kids (11/12) in the house with the brother who was drinking. Another son went to a friend’s house and they went to a local shop (late evening) and got hassled by a group of guys on the way back. So mine will never go to a sleepover- the problem isn’t necessarily abuse, you don’t know what people’s rules are compared to yours until you find out afterwards.

(Also when I was a kid I went to a few sleepovers where kids were dared to do stuff/ made feel like crap/ bullied) To each their own but I think ending a visit in the evening is better

Paedophiles are not nocturnal.

What is also weird how worked up are all the posters that tell you you’re ruining your daughter’s life. Frankly, I don’t want to be friends with people who don’t want to respect my point of view and who don’t understand that there might be multiple reasons why I don’t want my child to have sleepovers.

My parents never allowed me to go to sleepovers. However I was allowed to stay till late and then they would pick me up. I did go to a sleepovers over once when I was about 15. It took a lot of convincing. It was a bit meh to be honest. It wasn't comfortable sleeping on the floor.

Thanks, I think that’s a good tip talking about what their parents allow etc in terms of internet, phones, social media etc. I’m glad your DC hasn’t been negatively impacted by not sleeping over at friends houses.

Having worked in safeguarding, children of parents with the op’s attitude end up being the most at risk. Being unable to have conversations about risk and around being able to vocalise about uncomfortable situations. Not using real words to discuss anything - trying to find euphemisms and excuses to avoid having to have the convos. They make a child vulnerable.

Equip your children

I definitely think you're right to be concerned and careful. A lot of things can happen in that many hours, with people you don't know well. I recall starting my kids off by just letting them go to friends' houses for a couple of hours. Even with that, there were quite a few problems.

One kid's mom went out, and left the neighborhood teenage drug dealer to babysit her kid and mine. Later, she told me about how "hot" she thought he was. Before that, she seemed like a normal adult. I didn't know she was an idiot.

Another time, I went to pick my kid up from another friend's house and, again, no parent was home. (I don't remember what the story was that time). I also didn't like the big, full, glass gun display case in the living room, which wasn't locked. I don't know if any ammunition was in reach but still.

There are a lot of dysfunctional people around. Aside from the nightmare you mention, parents can get drunk or high, fight, leave, or grossly fail to supervise. They can leave things in reach that kids shouldn't have, drugs, weapons, car keys. And sometimes kids like to show off and do naughty things if they get a chance, especially in a group. Sneak out and run around the neighborhood in the middle of the night, etc. There may also be older siblings to worry about.

I did let my kids have sleepovers at my house, though. I saw it as a compromise. I didn't really give reasons why they couldn't spend the night at other people's houses. Just "No, I don't think so. Maybe some other time. Your friend can sleep over here, though." After a while, they just kinda got what the deal was and then they didn't ask very often. I didn't want to make them afraid of everyone or have them possibly repeat to other kids that I might not trust their parents, so I just didn't explain. Not sure if that was right or not but they're in their thirties now and have never even brought it up, if that means anything.

I made sure it was fun when other kids were over. Pizza, snacks, dancing, movies, whatever. Then they grew past that in-between age and it wasn't an issue anymore. I think it's fine to trust your own judgement. Every parent does things a little differently and no kid gets everything they want. :)

Thank you. Yes I think I’m going to go from the angle of not knowing their rules and boundaries. Sorry your DC had those experiences.