How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

Your poor kid. She'll be lying to you by secondary for some freedom. You're being ridiculous. Well she'll probably gradually lose her friends as they are talking about things she is banned from attending. She will stop being invited so you won't have to worry. Way to go, isolating your own child.

Why are you acting like friendships are only made or maintained at night at someone else's house?

And FWIW I would much rather my child was "isolated" than abused.

Thanks for your feedback.

This is bollocks. You can cheerfully ignore it op

Honestly OP I'm not sure what you want from this. You don't want your daughter going to sleepovers for fear of paedophiles but you don't want to have her friends over for fear of social awkwardness. Surely you can just say she isn't allowed sleepovers but they can come here. Why can't you just be honest with people?

Fwiw I think YABU about saying no although I have some friends who would agree with you. My DD has been to a pyjama party where they did everything a kid would do at a sleepover other than sleep, home at 11pm and it was a great idea and a good compromise.

That said, it seems a bit silly to believe that a paedophile will only strike after midnight. If her friends parents are that way inclined, she is just as vulnerable at play dates, lifts home, birthday parties etc. I hope for her sake you don't stop these too.

I’ve got 3 males in my house, we often have girls over for sleepovers, they are usually in the front room and the men including DP don’t go near them at all when they are in a sleepover, in fact, my brother goes to his room, DS stays out of the way in his room as he doesn’t like people anyway and DP was mostly on work trips etc, for this exact reason and so no accusations could be made either (not that any of DD’s friends are like that). DP job requires a dbs and crb, so usually me and my mum dealing with the girls. Dd has only ever been to 4 peoples house for sleepovers. I know 2 of the sets of parents extremely well, one only had the mum and sisters and the other there were 5 girls and dd had her phone, we are more close with last set now.

The options aren’t isolated or abused. It is your choice not to allow sleepovers but you need to a/ be honest with your child and say you’re not comfortable with them and that’s it. Do NOT make it about her. B/ be honest with yourself about the actual v perceived risk and benefits.

please don’t tell her people could be recording her and putting her on the internet. Just, no.

Well there are plenty of reasons. 5 girls that age might be a good mix, might not, it could be awful. I remember having a sleepover at a friends house when I was about 11, we were allowed to stay up and watch Exorcist (ugh) which my parents would never have let me do. Still hate horror films. Safeguarding is not totally about sexual abuse risk. If you don’t feel she’s old enough, she probably isn’t.

I respectfully disagree that she’s just as vulnerable at play dates, lifts home, parties etc. Lifts home, usually the parent would be driving and therefore unable to abuse a child. And like several PPs have pointed out who have unfortunately been abused at sleepovers, it often happens when the others are all asleep.
I mean I am willing to have sleepovers here rather than DD go to others, but I’m not offering yet as we aren’t at that stage yet and I’d rather not open the door to it all before I have to.
Like the compromise idea of the pyjama party till late, so thanks for that at least.

I don't allow sleepovers.

My parents were quite lax with them, and sadly if my circle is anything to go by being abused by a father, step father or older brother wasn't as rare as it should have been.

I didn't even keep any friends from school days anyway, most of mine are from uni. So it was pointless and damaging in my case. The girls who didn't come to sleepovers weren't left out anymore than anyone else.

I think unless you've been exposed to abuse, and understand that it's not a rare thing at all, then you'd probably assume it would all be fine.

You’re being ridiculous. One of my daughters’ friends parents does this and the child just ends up getting left out. It’s really mean.

Two close make relatives were the problem for me, under the same roof as my parents. Sleepovers at friend’s houses were some of my best childhood memories.

I worked in CAMHS (5 years) and I would never send my children to an overnight sleepover.

I think you’re massively over reacting and denying your child what’s a very normal part of childhood. She will feel left out, and I guess just be honest if that’s a genuine fear. Tell her you don’t trust other parents. You don’t need to go into detail. I never let my DD go to a complete strangers, but parents of friends she had known for years, yes absolutely. I guess if there’s a history of abuse in your own youth I can understand the concern, but otherwise I think it’s a bit much to suspect her friends dad’s of wanting to abuse the friends his DD invites over. Way too much.

You are really going to have some problems in teenage years if you don't like random friends coming to the house. And I don't understand why you don't know any of the parents of the friends she has now at age ten. You certainly won't know the other parents well when they are at secondary school. But when DDs were ten I'd known many of the parents since the kids were at nursery together.

How to tell her? Don't tell her and don't stop her going, and get yourself some therapy snd parenting classes.

Thanks but I’d rather be called ridiculous by TheAmpleBalonz on Mumsnet than be the mother of a daughter sexually abused at a sleepover.
Would you rather your DC be at risk of abuse than be left out? That’s more of a definition of ridiculous IMO, but you do you.

Fuck me, if you want to bring up a complete weirdo then go ahead and say all of this sure

Trying to protect your child from every possible harm becomes in itself a harm. Children need to be allowed to spend time with their friends, to do things they might find difficult. Wrapping them in bubble wrap and never letting them out of their parents sight is creating a generation of anxious, unhappy young people.

Well, that’s exactly what you think, isn’t it?

Well clearly it happens!
don’t want to tell DD I don’t trust the parents as don’t want it being repeated. Was hoping for some more constructive suggestions, of which I have received from others, along with some reassurance that I’m grateful for.

Apparently honesty is not ok. OP thinks it's shit advice.

"Sorry you are not going because I don't know the other parents well enough and this means I don't feel I can completely trust them."

Cos ultimately the parents will make that assumption anyway... There's only so many times you can say no before they work it out.

She is getting to the age @NoSleepOver where actually your job isn’t to protect her and keep her safe it is to start giving her the tools and the know how to keep herself safe because the countdown to the age where you have no agency or say over what she does will come quick than you think.

So at the moment she is too young for you but say 12/13 she will be - but then at that point will you know the parents etc. Hiding her from the truth isn’t going to help - start a dialogue and build a plan together you are both happy with

I never had a sleepover as a child and not because my parents were strict but because it wasn’t a thing (culturally). I still don’t get it… what’s the point? You can stay up until 11 with friends and then go back home? Why some people make it out as if you’re never going to have real friends if you don’t do sleepovers at 10 years old.
I think it’s ok to tell your daughter we don’t do sleepovers. Some people do, we don’t. I’m sorry dear, it’s for your own safety.

I expect Op to ignore it and just watch her child gradually being left out of social plans, then she'll know it isn't "bollocks"

I had a sleep over once at 13 and woke up to her 20 year old brother pulling my covers back. Luckily I woke up the sicko.