How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

I'm trying to figure out what "p**s" would be.

If you have known them somewhat for quite a while, I can't figure out what the problem is.

Please don't do this, my parents were the same and it left me really excluded from things, I still resent it now

Mine have never been to a sleepover.
My mind was made up when a family member who used to work for the cps told me the majority of sa is by family or friends or family friends.
Lots are other people you may not be aware are popping into to these people's houses. Other relatives/friends .
Basically you can never fully know what's going on in someone else's house.
And it's up to every parent individually to make the choice when it comes to sleep overs and so on.
But it is sensible .

I feel the same as you.
But would allow her to go there until bedtime and then pick her up, and then take her back as soon as they woke up

Sleepovers at mine only

YANBU

Why can’t she go and you pick her up later in the evening before they sleep? That way she doesn’t miss out on socialising but doesn’t have to actually sleep there. Just say it’s your job as a parent to keep her safe and you want her to be in the house at night to sleep so you know she’s sleeping safe.

I banned sleep overs at our house from the very start. Can't be doing with the noise and being woken by screaming or kids wanting to go home. Absolutely no way.

I also said no going to sleep overs until a certain age (12? I can't remember).

I have allowed sleepovers for DS but only when I know the parents fairly well. For a sleepover with 5 girls I don't really understand your hesitation tbh. I have explained to DS that there are paedophiles out there who seem nice on the surface and if anyone tries to touch them or wants him to touch them he must scream and run. Didn't traumatise him, he got the giggles when we role played at home (without any touching or such I assure you!).

To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

Stop doing this - you’re putting the fault for your decision on her, telling her that she’s not ready, you think she’ll feel or want xyz, and trying to come up with a way to get her to support your decision even if it means lying. Own your decision as a parent, explain your reasoning in at an age-appropriate level, and accept that she will likely not be happy about it and she has every right to those feelings. “It’s my job to keep you safe and I’m not comfortable with you sleeping at houses of people I don’t know very well.” Listen to her feelings and thoughts, acknowledge they’re valid, then reiterate “I understand you don’t like this decision and why. But that’s my decision. Sleeping over isn’t an option but you can go to the party and stay until X time. Would you like me to arrange that with friend’s parents?”

It's not our children’s job to validate our parenting decisions or keep us from feeling like the bad guy. Own your decision, explain to the extent that’s appropriate, and listen and accept their feelings without opening the decision to debate or pretending it’s a joint decision when it isn’t.

One of my DD's friends wasn't allowed sleepovers and her parents picked her up at 10/10:30 as others have suggested.

Her parents just said that they don't do sleepovers, end of subject. I think it's better if you don't try to explain your decision to your DD too much, you're the parent and you make the rules.

You mentioned upthread about potentially having sleepovers at your house (but your DD wouldn't go to a reciprocal sleepover). I wouldn't advise this, because it's signaling to the parents that while they should trust you with their child, you definitely won't trust your child with them, IYSWIM.

If you decide that sleepovers are unsafe for children, they're unsafe at your house, not just other people's. My DD's friend didn't have sleepovers, full stop.

from what my daughter had told me, it’s the girls with the strictest parents who are the ones pushing the boundaries with boys and drugs. Once they get to 14/15 you need to start letting them have some independence and sleepovers at friends houses is how it starts. They need to spread their wings

Trying to protect your child from every possible harm becomes in itself a harm. Children need to be allowed to spend time with their friends, to do things they might find difficult. Wrapping them in bubble wrap and never letting them out of their parents sight is creating a generation of anxious, unhappy young people.

This is spot on.

Yeah my cousin was abused at a birthday party in broad daylight with loads of other adults and kids around…they were playing hide and seek…it’s possible.

Good on you OP. As a criminal lawyer, I will never allow my children on sleepovers either. While family risk is the highest- sleepovers are still a very risky proposal and in my opinion pretty much the most vulnerable position people see as socially normal to put their children in.

For my kids- luckily it's culturally normal to not have sleepovers so most of their friends don't either. But for when they ask, I just say in our family the rules are that we sleep at home. If they push harder I say it's because we don't know for sure everyone who will be sleeping there.

I was sexually assaulted at a sleepover by another (older) child when I was a kid, I happened to be the youngest of the lot. The parents were both doctors my parents knew, all of the kids were “good kids”. I know I went to other sleepovers but I don’t have any cherished memories of them, nor do I recall wanting to attend more. I remember feeling excluded for other reasons and I suspect every kid will feel left out sometimes.

I don’t know if I’d stop my own kids going to sleepovers- there is a risk no matter what they do but there is something about being alone with other kids in the dark, in the night when other people are asleep makes it different to usual play dates etc. It brings out behaviour that they wouldn’t dare to do in the daytime.

No disrespect for deciding to allow sleepovers, nor to parents who won’t. I’m torn.

I used to work as a forensic psychologist in the courts. I’ve never met a colleague of mine that allows sleepovers during childhood and early adolescence. I don’t either. Aside from my direct exposure through work, I know many people who have experienced abuse or difficult experiences at sleepovers. It isn’t always fathers, it can be from older siblings, or other adult or teenage guests. Being exposed to inappropriate things on the internet is also a factor. When mine were 10, I picked them up around 9pm. I just explained to other parents that we don’t do sleepovers and didn’t elaborate. For DD at that age, I simply said, ‘different houses have different rules, we don’t do sleepovers, because your dad and I sleep more comfortably knowing you are in your own bed, and that’s important to us’. As she got older, the messaging could change a little.

There have been 2 occasions I went to pick her up at 9pm to find the parents hosting the sleepover had had a party with other parents and random adults, and were absolutely wasted. I was SO glad I collected her. That had never been mentioned to me, and there is no way any of those adults would have been able to respond to a sick or worried child at 2am.

Look, maybe my kid will be in a therapists office in 15 years discussing how unreasonable I was about sleepovers, but that seems better than the alternate possibility. I’m actually not a generally strict parent at all, but the research tells us that sexual harassment and abuse is common, and is most likely to be perpetrated by someone known to the child. Once it happens, you can’t rewind time and the child carries that forever. We know the issues that abuse causes, and it’s just one way of reducing the risk.

Stick to your guns, OP, but offer to let her go for the evening and pick her up late. Even if you just fudge the truth this time and make plans for early-ish the next day to justify the decision.

Also torn. I know from family issues that sex abuse can be from close family members who are trusted.... So if she dies sleepovers with family. She could be more at risk.

But so far kids have only done sleepovers at mine. Just for practical reasons.

Even play dates. One mum has said she likes playdates at my house as opposed to another house...as there are no men.

It isn't easy.

Can I also say- for those parents saying "oh how cruel she will be left out and isolated" - I find it astounding that you wouldn't instead challenge the behaviour in presumably your own daughters' in leaving out or isolating another child for not attending sleepovers. Your own judgement is what informs your daughters' reactions.

Do any actually sleep? When mine did this donkeys years ago, sleeping was not on the agenda. Up all night giggling and playing silly games was the usual thing. I hated doing them for that reason. We did the odd one but even DD liked her sleep and soon lost interest in them.

Why bother having kids if their life is going to be a joyless jouney?
How very selfish and cruel.
Give it 30 years and there'll be a thread from one relating how the mother kept her from having any fun as a child, the other will be moaning that the dd will not let her dgc sleepover and is very LC...

I don’t have children of my own, but the 10/11 year olds in my class seem to all have sleepovers all the time, so I’m surprised to read here that so many don’t allow them. What about school residentials? As an educator, I think they’re a really developmentally important experience for children. Do you allow them?

I understand the fears that you are all stating, and they’re valid and make sense. But sleepovers with my best friends were such a fun part of my childhood, and given the majority of the children I know are having them still, I wonder what the impact might be of denying children if they are really keen to go. I read an educational book years ago (can’t remember the title I’m afraid) about how increased media awareness of child abuse means parents don’t let children have the same freedom we enjoyed as children and it’s resulting in them not being able to develop skills that keep them safe, and also increasing anxiety and fear of the world around them.

Like I said, I don’t have children, and I can see both sides.

You do realise that abuse is far more common with people (family members) they actually know! Personally, I think you’re tarring every male with the same brush (and it’s doesn’t have to be male). Do you let her even go on play dates? Saying she’s got know way of contacting you is the most ridiculous excuse as her friends parents can always ring you. What does she do if she goes to a friend’s for tea or do t you even allow that!

Its a hard one, I was never allowed sleepovers simply because my parents had me young didn't really want a kid so i was never allowed sleepovers because it was a hassle to them. It made me different to the other girls, they all had these fun nights of films, staying up late and bonding. I understand your decision and it's absolutely your right to say no but you cant ever fully protect them. My friends brothers used to drive me home from their house and pull over and feel me up on the way. I was sent to my nans house and her husband used to try things. But I cant let that affect my kids childhood we have a house full of teens regularly sleeping over, mine rarely go elsewhere its never questioned because they all love it here I give them the whole living room, order in pizza, let them go up the road to buy snacks and yes its a pain because i have 4 other kids but they are here and safe and i know what's going on!

How do you include someone who isn't allowed to take part?

I grew up with friends being allowed to do things that I wasn’t. I think by the time I was 18 I felt like I was 5 years behind my friends.

I suffered with self harm, depression and anxiety through my twenties and was hospitalised twice. My Mum was, and still is, over anxious, I just couldn’t identify it at the time.