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Original poster

How to tell DD no sleepovers

423 replies

NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 21:46

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSleepOver · 23/04/2025 13:11

Do you think we could accept that everyone chooses to parent differently?

  1. Some people choose to not let their young children go to sleepovers (and in my case come on here to ask for advice on how to appropriately communicate that to DD) - it’s my prerogative as a parent trying to protect my child to do that. Should I then be being told I’m selfish, cruel, ruining her happiness, negatively effecting her whole childhood, she’ll need therapy, I need therapy, she’ll have no friends based on this single decision at 10 years old, if I loved her I’d let her go, I’m jealous of my DD, I want her to be bullied?
  2. Some parents obviously do let their kids go to sleepovers - have we seen anyone directing insults at those who make that choice? Should those who don’t allow sleepovers be telling these parents that they are sending their kids off to be abused? That they mustn’t care about them? No, nobody has done that, and have just respected that that is the choice they have made for their kids without berating them.
OP posts:
Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 13:12

Dontlletmedownbruce · 23/04/2025 12:35

Do you not see the irony in this? Firstly I said I would think twice regarding this child, not intentionally exclude them. Secondly IF I did not invite them, it would be my decision and i would not tell the parents why because 'a parent shouldn't have to justify their decision' as repeated so often here. It cuts both ways.

You say I should be thinking of the other kids feelings and this should influence my decision as a parent, yet OP should go only with her personal feelings and discount the other child (yes there is another child in both scenarios, when OP says no, her DDs friend loses out). To repeat your own language back, OP is punishing her DDs friends because of her own insecurities which is fine but if I do the same I would be emotionally immature?!

Fwiw i think OP or any other parent is entitled to their decision to say no and you are right, fear of offending the other parent should not play a part in their decision but likewise OP or anyone else doesn't get to judge me if i DO find it offensive.

Show quote history

We're talking about the emotional intelligence of children verses adults here... you can hardly compare the two. You should be mature enough to separate the two children are not. But it now seems very fitting youre comparing the two!

Yes I stand by emotionally immature. You're acting on your own feelings that come from purely imagined slights from the parents against you whereas the OP is acting on potential danger to her child... can hardly compare that to danger to your ego!

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 13:15

sandyhappypeople · 23/04/2025 13:03

I think being "swayed" by stories from 20/30 years ago is doing your daughter a disservice. Things are different now, and while abuse can still happen of course, there is much more awareness of it now then there ever was then, things like child abuse were routinely swept under the carpet, it was a taboo subject to talk about, and a lot of children were never taught explicitly about consent in the way they are now, which left a lot of children powerless to know what to do if it ever occurred. Sleepovers years ago meant being cut of from your parents, if anything happened to you in someone's care then you were completely reliant on them to help you.. so a lot of children would have kept quiet to not cause a scene or not to get themselves or anyone else in trouble, abusers had the opportunity then to take advantage of that.

Now children can call home for any reason at any time, they know what consent is and when it is unacceptable, if they are made to feel uncomfortable or if there is any sort of attempted abuse, or they just want to go home, they are a phone call or text away from someone who will be there for them no questions asked. Instead of being at the mercy of others, that freedom affords an amount of control of their own decision making process.

Abusers also no longer have the protection they had to operate under the radar like they did years ago, being labelled a paedo on social media is a life changing event, an abuser will be hesitant to take risks unless they are absolutely certain they can get away with it.. the opportunity is no longer there like it used to be.

So it is up to you what you feel comfortable, but using stories from decades ago to 'prove your point' really proves nothing to be honest.

Show quote history

I’m not sure I fully agree with this.

Yes there is less sweeping under the carpet perhaps, but you are assuming every ten year old has a phone. And not all do, because phones and devices bring issues of their own which we didn’t have. So it’s not all that simple.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Families
Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 13:18

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 12:21

No, it's about you as a parent preparing your child for things they may find difficult.

But I am well aware there are plenty of lazy parents who can't be arsed and happy to leave the parenting of their kids to teachers.

Also, it is no teachers 'job' to do residentials at all. It is entirely based on the goodwill of teachers VOLUNTEERING their time.

Show quote history

Oh how altruistic of you. Dont do it if you begrudge it!

Do you not think it'd be much easier shipping my kid off to anyone who'd have her for a sleepover? It's harder parenting without a break or night "off" hardly lazy.

Id rather they find a night away difficult at 12 than sexual abuse difficult for tge rest of their lives. Again, YOURE the adult, deal with your big emotions of being up till 2am, shock horror. The children are still learning, so what if there's a wobble because of an overnight stay?

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 13:23

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 13:18

Oh how altruistic of you. Dont do it if you begrudge it!

Do you not think it'd be much easier shipping my kid off to anyone who'd have her for a sleepover? It's harder parenting without a break or night "off" hardly lazy.

Id rather they find a night away difficult at 12 than sexual abuse difficult for tge rest of their lives. Again, YOURE the adult, deal with your big emotions of being up till 2am, shock horror. The children are still learning, so what if there's a wobble because of an overnight stay?

Show quote history

I had sleepovers and every time we went away with the school I struggled, even as a teenager I couldn’t cope with it and would be up for hours. A giggly sleepover is different to a residential. And I agree that as the responsible adult during one, unfortunately teachers will have to deal with all the bad things that happen on them, including big emotions.

Starlight7080 · 23/04/2025 13:25

sandyhappypeople · 23/04/2025 13:03

I think being "swayed" by stories from 20/30 years ago is doing your daughter a disservice. Things are different now, and while abuse can still happen of course, there is much more awareness of it now then there ever was then, things like child abuse were routinely swept under the carpet, it was a taboo subject to talk about, and a lot of children were never taught explicitly about consent in the way they are now, which left a lot of children powerless to know what to do if it ever occurred. Sleepovers years ago meant being cut of from your parents, if anything happened to you in someone's care then you were completely reliant on them to help you.. so a lot of children would have kept quiet to not cause a scene or not to get themselves or anyone else in trouble, abusers had the opportunity then to take advantage of that.

Now children can call home for any reason at any time, they know what consent is and when it is unacceptable, if they are made to feel uncomfortable or if there is any sort of attempted abuse, or they just want to go home, they are a phone call or text away from someone who will be there for them no questions asked. Instead of being at the mercy of others, that freedom affords an amount of control of their own decision making process.

Abusers also no longer have the protection they had to operate under the radar like they did years ago, being labelled a paedo on social media is a life changing event, an abuser will be hesitant to take risks unless they are absolutely certain they can get away with it.. the opportunity is no longer there like it used to be.

So it is up to you what you feel comfortable, but using stories from decades ago to 'prove your point' really proves nothing to be honest.

Show quote history

What a load of dangerous rubbish.
Abuse is still occurring daily and not less so because of social media. Mobile phones or people discussing consent.

Ywudu · 23/04/2025 13:28

I really hope that all the posters on here who have said "I've told my child what to do if anyone tries to assault them" have also explained to the child that if they don't manage to do that in the moment and the worst still happens to them they are not to blame. There are many trauma responses not just fight and flight. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn are all your body trying to protect itself and it is impossible to train a child to react to an unknown scenario. Tell them if they don't scream, don't get their phone, they don't try to get away you will still believe them and won't be disappointed in them.
There is no right or wrong answer in this every parent just does what they think is right for their child BUT instill in your child that if anything ever does happen they are never to blame and maybe they will tell you if something horrific happens to them. SA and CSA is hugely under reported and guilt and self blame are a big part of that.

TheWisePlumDuck · 23/04/2025 13:34

Honestly, reading some of the deranged responses from parents who would be offended at not being given access to other people's children overnight, should be a confirmation that it's absolutely the right decision in some cases.

Some posters are so weirdly invested in this, and the insults and crazy insinuations are only going one way.

BrieAndChilli · 23/04/2025 13:35

you do realise that sexual abuse also happens during the day don't you? do you let her go to play at friends houses?

Pyjamatimenow · 23/04/2025 13:39

Ywudu · 23/04/2025 13:28

I really hope that all the posters on here who have said "I've told my child what to do if anyone tries to assault them" have also explained to the child that if they don't manage to do that in the moment and the worst still happens to them they are not to blame. There are many trauma responses not just fight and flight. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn are all your body trying to protect itself and it is impossible to train a child to react to an unknown scenario. Tell them if they don't scream, don't get their phone, they don't try to get away you will still believe them and won't be disappointed in them.
There is no right or wrong answer in this every parent just does what they think is right for their child BUT instill in your child that if anything ever does happen they are never to blame and maybe they will tell you if something horrific happens to them. SA and CSA is hugely under reported and guilt and self blame are a big part of that.

Agree with this. Parents seem to think by showing a child some nspcc pants pants nursery rhyme a child is going to be able to protect themselves. It might empower them to tell you afterwards if something’s been done to them but it will not stop an abuser in the moment. I’ve been in that situation as a victim and I can promise you a child has little to no chance of dissuading or getting away from a sexual predator once they’ve set their sights on them

Fimat · 23/04/2025 13:44

sandyhappypeople · 23/04/2025 13:03

I think being "swayed" by stories from 20/30 years ago is doing your daughter a disservice. Things are different now, and while abuse can still happen of course, there is much more awareness of it now then there ever was then, things like child abuse were routinely swept under the carpet, it was a taboo subject to talk about, and a lot of children were never taught explicitly about consent in the way they are now, which left a lot of children powerless to know what to do if it ever occurred. Sleepovers years ago meant being cut of from your parents, if anything happened to you in someone's care then you were completely reliant on them to help you.. so a lot of children would have kept quiet to not cause a scene or not to get themselves or anyone else in trouble, abusers had the opportunity then to take advantage of that.

Now children can call home for any reason at any time, they know what consent is and when it is unacceptable, if they are made to feel uncomfortable or if there is any sort of attempted abuse, or they just want to go home, they are a phone call or text away from someone who will be there for them no questions asked. Instead of being at the mercy of others, that freedom affords an amount of control of their own decision making process.

Abusers also no longer have the protection they had to operate under the radar like they did years ago, being labelled a paedo on social media is a life changing event, an abuser will be hesitant to take risks unless they are absolutely certain they can get away with it.. the opportunity is no longer there like it used to be.

So it is up to you what you feel comfortable, but using stories from decades ago to 'prove your point' really proves nothing to be honest.

Show quote history

I am telling you I work with sex offenders and these are people who have recently been convicted. Not 20/30 years ago. And like others have said it’s not always fathers. A lot are older brothers. You’re burying your heads in the sand if you think it doesn’t happen.
The people I work with come across as such nice people, some of them I’ve worked with for years (I am a teacher in a prison) and you would never ever suspect what they are capable of .
I know I wouldn’t take the risk . It’s not that I suspect every man is a sex offender , it’s just, I don’t know who isn’t . So at 10, I’m taking a zero risk approach

EilishMcCandlish · 23/04/2025 13:49

Ughn0tryte · 22/04/2025 22:38

DD, the reason why we choose not to do sleepovers is to protect you. I appreciate that 'all your friends are doing it' but we are not.
There are many risks which you will not be emotionally developed enough to challenge but here's some examples:
There are gadgets in people's homes which could record you. These may be adult or children who have them and then photographs could then end up on the internet.
There maybe other adults in the home that we do not know. Older extended family or older siblings . We do not want you to come to any harm by learning conversations not for your age.

This is utterly insane and a perfect way to set a child up to be absolutely terrified of everything and everyone everywhere they go. As well as implying to her that she is less emotionally developed than all her friends that are doing it.

If you don't want to let her go, fine, but don't make it because other parents and siblings aren't safe.

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 13:52

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 13:18

Oh how altruistic of you. Dont do it if you begrudge it!

Do you not think it'd be much easier shipping my kid off to anyone who'd have her for a sleepover? It's harder parenting without a break or night "off" hardly lazy.

Id rather they find a night away difficult at 12 than sexual abuse difficult for tge rest of their lives. Again, YOURE the adult, deal with your big emotions of being up till 2am, shock horror. The children are still learning, so what if there's a wobble because of an overnight stay?

Show quote history

Of course it's up to the adult in such situations to help kids manage. I would never let a child in my care be upset.

But as a parent, I feel it's my duty to prepare my child emotionally and mentally for things they may find challenging. I don't believe in just the throwing them in the deep end completely unprepared and allowing them to be distressed and overwhelmed when it was well within my control to prepare them.

Having a sleepover does not equate to sexual assault. Why not build relationships with the other parents? Why not get to know them? Or at the very least send them to sleepover with an aunt or uncle?

Gloriia · 23/04/2025 13:54

Fimat · 23/04/2025 13:44

I am telling you I work with sex offenders and these are people who have recently been convicted. Not 20/30 years ago. And like others have said it’s not always fathers. A lot are older brothers. You’re burying your heads in the sand if you think it doesn’t happen.
The people I work with come across as such nice people, some of them I’ve worked with for years (I am a teacher in a prison) and you would never ever suspect what they are capable of .
I know I wouldn’t take the risk . It’s not that I suspect every man is a sex offender , it’s just, I don’t know who isn’t . So at 10, I’m taking a zero risk approach

Show quote history

Teachers, relatives, after school staff there are risks wherever dc are. What we don't do is wrap them up in cotton wool we teach them and educate them.
We can't protect them from everything.

At 10 they should be encouraged to have fun with their friends, to be included in social events.

What anxiety riddled lives some of the dc from parents on here are being forced to endure.

Gloriia · 23/04/2025 13:56

'There are gadgets in people's homes which could record you. These may be adult or children who have them and then photographs could then end up on the internet.'

Confused

Yes teach them that then wonder why they're scared to leave their homes and are up to their eyes on anxiety meds.

loulouljh · 23/04/2025 13:59

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 13:07

So you would discriminate against a child because a parent has concerns? I don’t think OP is saying ‘the parents will abuse my child’ but that if she isn’t familiar enough with the family then she doesn’t know the risks. That’s perfectly acceptable. Knowing people who were abused at sleepovers and reading the stories on this thread I think being cautious is acceptable. You being ‘furious’ that a parent who hasn’t met you or doesn’t know you and your home life set up, what things you think are acceptable and don’t and who might be visiting is a huge overreaction. It’s perfectly fine to have concerns when you know nothing about a family, no need to be ‘furious’.

Show quote history

As I said the OP has to be careful as to how she words this. If she says/or if the child believes she says "you cannot go to X house because we are worried you will be abused" then clearly that is not going to go down well and if I heard someone say that about me or my family I would be rightly furious. If she says "I don't know the parents/family etc etc" then maybe that's more palatable.

I have always just gone and met the parents. Simple solution. Not foolproof I know but...

mickandrorty · 23/04/2025 14:00

Pyjamatimenow · 23/04/2025 13:08

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4332198/amp/Boy-11-dies-house-fire-friend-s-sleepover.html
lots of stories online about deaths at sleepovers, that’s before you get into the sexual assault risks.

Because fires would never happen in the house the child normally lives in?

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 14:13

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 13:52

Of course it's up to the adult in such situations to help kids manage. I would never let a child in my care be upset.

But as a parent, I feel it's my duty to prepare my child emotionally and mentally for things they may find challenging. I don't believe in just the throwing them in the deep end completely unprepared and allowing them to be distressed and overwhelmed when it was well within my control to prepare them.

Having a sleepover does not equate to sexual assault. Why not build relationships with the other parents? Why not get to know them? Or at the very least send them to sleepover with an aunt or uncle?

Show quote history

Honestly because getting to know someone over dinner or school gate chats doesn't mean they'll accidentally blurt out "oh by the way I have a sexual interest in children." Quite often sexual offenders come across as lovely, genuine, helpful and friendly people. It's why they gain access to opportunities to abuse.

Of course a parent isn't going to send their child to stay at the town weirdos house but they might send them to Sarah's house who's dad is a doctor and mum a lawyer.

You just need to look at FB pages for news reports on such things to see teachers, coaches, clergy, parents and even women who are sexual abusers.

I see no sleepovers rule like making my child wear a helmet. I can't completely eliminate the risk but statistically most accidents are worse with no helmet... and statistically an abuser will be known to the family so I'll limit opportunity for them.

Catsandcannedbeans · 23/04/2025 14:14

Mine probably won’t be allowed at sleep overs. I know too many people who were abused. Also it’s not just the parents. Peer on peer sexual abuse is a real issue. I don’t want to freak them out though, especially when they’re young so I will probably default to the age old “because I’m your mother and I said so”.

sandyhappypeople · 23/04/2025 14:17

Fimat · 23/04/2025 13:44

I am telling you I work with sex offenders and these are people who have recently been convicted. Not 20/30 years ago. And like others have said it’s not always fathers. A lot are older brothers. You’re burying your heads in the sand if you think it doesn’t happen.
The people I work with come across as such nice people, some of them I’ve worked with for years (I am a teacher in a prison) and you would never ever suspect what they are capable of .
I know I wouldn’t take the risk . It’s not that I suspect every man is a sex offender , it’s just, I don’t know who isn’t . So at 10, I’m taking a zero risk approach

Show quote history

I'm not burying my head in the sand, or denying it happens now, I specifically said of course it still happens, I was abused by someone's older brother in the 90s.

My point is, using peoples personal stories from 20/30 years ago should not be the basis of making decisions on your child's personal safety in the world we live in now. According to the nspcc child sexual abuse figures from england and america have supposedly dropped quite dramatically from the 1990s to now (without considering how many historical cases went unreported), but child sexual grooming has exploded, because of direct to access to children via mobile phones and social media I would assume, but people still give their children phones and access to social media at young ages.

At the end of the day your children can be hurt of abused anywhere at any time, it is up to the parents to make decisions about their safety, and to teach them about consent and what to do in any situation they feel uncomfortable with.

OP is well within her right to not send her on sleepovers, that's fair enough, but IMO not doing so because of people telling her they were sexually abused 20/30 years ago is odd when there are so many other risks involved in someone else caring for your child.

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 14:28

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 14:13

Honestly because getting to know someone over dinner or school gate chats doesn't mean they'll accidentally blurt out "oh by the way I have a sexual interest in children." Quite often sexual offenders come across as lovely, genuine, helpful and friendly people. It's why they gain access to opportunities to abuse.

Of course a parent isn't going to send their child to stay at the town weirdos house but they might send them to Sarah's house who's dad is a doctor and mum a lawyer.

You just need to look at FB pages for news reports on such things to see teachers, coaches, clergy, parents and even women who are sexual abusers.

I see no sleepovers rule like making my child wear a helmet. I can't completely eliminate the risk but statistically most accidents are worse with no helmet... and statistically an abuser will be known to the family so I'll limit opportunity for them.

Show quote history

Statistically a child is actually far more likely to be abused by a family member.

I am not saying do nothing to protect them. And absolutely if a parent doesn't feel comfortable leaving a child in any situation they shouldn't.

But peoples overprotectiveness is also letting their kids down. I have never begrudged staying up with a child but it is heartbreaking having an 11 year old sobbing at 2am but trying to cry silently as they don't want others to laugh at them.

There has to be a balance of protection and affording them opportunities to grow.

familylawyer01392 · 23/04/2025 14:31

NoSleepOver · 23/04/2025 12:40

I have to say, when reading these posts I am being much more swayed to say no by those who have experienced horrific things, than I am to say yes by reading the posts saying oh but she’ll be left out, you’re cruel, she’s missing out etc. I don’t believe that at 10 years old when she has an active social life with school friends, activities and everything else that she enjoys in life, that I am ruining her life by saying no to the first sleepover she’s ever been to. It’s not like I’m banning her from having friends.

You are absolutely right to be cautious - I'm a family solicitor and have experienced more than one instance of children being abused at sleepovers... Would be very very careful about my children having sleepovers and certainly not at 10.

I will add that my mum was cautious too, I had sleepovers with a few trusted friends in secondary school but only once she knew their parents. At the time I felt it a little unfair (wasn't overly bothered though) but now I think she was absolutely right.

TheKhakiQuail · 23/04/2025 14:38

Dontlletmedownbruce · 23/04/2025 10:41

This topic was discussed in my house last night. DS invited a friend but but he said no he is not allowed sleepovers because his parents don't know us well enough.

Truth is I am a bit insulted and it made me think about their reasons. He is 12 but a newish friend. Do they think they are too good for us? Have we done things that indicate we are irresponsible? Are we too liberal with Internet or devices, are we bad parents somehow? Or maybe they think DH could be a paedophile, am I supposed to be OK with this presumption on their part?

Apparently it's because they don't know us well enough but what is the threshold for them, do we need to be related or just a bit more friendly?. If for example we have them all over for dinner do we fall into a 'safe' category just because we've shared a bottle of wine? Perhaps they have super human paedophile detection powers that no one else possesses. They can be sure only people in their inner circle are good enough because of their incredible ability to judge, how bloody arrogant of them. I understand it's their right to decide what's best for their kid and I need to respect it but damn right I'm insulted and I will be thinking twice about inviting him along to anything else because I'll be subjected to their sneery judgement.

Edited

Or maybe it's nothing to do with you at all, they just don't let him sleep over with anyone that don't know very well, and you are new friends, therefore, they don't yet know you very well.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 14:40

I agree a hard rule is a good one but will you let her have sleepovers at your house?

You also don't know

If there is a Pervy big birth her or uncle
If they have knives or drugs in the house
If they lock their doors properly
If there is a dangerous pet

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 14:41

PrettyFly4 · 22/04/2025 22:07

TW I've name changed for this because it's a sensitive topic and could be outing.

My mum was like this when I was younger and I wasn't allowed until I was around 14. It made me very jealous and I definitely struggled and never really had a "best" friend, although I was still part of the group.

Once I hit 14 and finally started going to sleepovers I loved it but sadly I was abused by a friends father at a sleep over whilst I forced myself to pretend to be asleep, it later transpired that I wasn't the only one. I understand that this is probably quite a rare occurrence but that fact my mum tried to protect me for so long for it to happen anyway makes me feel very sad for her as well as she wanted so badly to protect me.

Could she go to the girls houses and you collect her before bedtime? Maybe arrange movie nights or take them out as a group on your own. I'm sorry my answer really isn't that helpful.

It happens so often sorry it happened to you. Op is correct to be careful