How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

Yes I am thinking about my discomfort with her going to a sleepover, but more so the discomfort of my DD if she were to be the victim of SA. That makes me a selfish nutter does it? It’s not just the idea of her being abused, but the parents might be… well…. like you @FlakyCritic and I wouldn’t want her to be in the care of someone like that

I’m not asking about when she is 16, I’m asking about now when she’s 10

Do you not see the irony in this? Firstly I said I would think twice regarding this child, not intentionally exclude them. Secondly IF I did not invite them, it would be my decision and i would not tell the parents why because 'a parent shouldn't have to justify their decision' as repeated so often here. It cuts both ways.

You say I should be thinking of the other kids feelings and this should influence my decision as a parent, yet OP should go only with her personal feelings and discount the other child (yes there is another child in both scenarios, when OP says no, her DDs friend loses out). To repeat your own language back, OP is punishing her DDs friends because of her own insecurities which is fine but if I do the same I would be emotionally immature?!

Fwiw i think OP or any other parent is entitled to their decision to say no and you are right, fear of offending the other parent should not play a part in their decision but likewise OP or anyone else doesn't get to judge me if i DO find it offensive.

But they are linked because this is the start of working out boundaries and increasing them each time until your DD is able to make decisions for herself.

the advice to be truthful and work out when the boundaries are going to be lifted is good advice - as is the fact that from now your role is to protect yes but pass on skills to her so she can protect herself

we don’t just suddenly become an adult equipped with knowledge we learn it

You can't wrap her in cotton wool! She can be sexually assaulted at age 16 at a bus stop (that's of you allow her to be at a bus stop on her own at 16 - which I'm being to doubt).

You can't live your life in fear! You can't wrap a child in cotton wool. She will not thank you for restricting her childhood because of your fears.

I am yes, thank you. I’ve had some good advice and read some helpful comments. I think I’m going to go down the route of I don’t know their families rules regarding TV, internet, social media etc. I know the parents but DD has never been to their house before, they’re not really close friends. Some of the other girls going she’s not overly friendly with. I’ll say I’m not comfortable with it at the moment as I feel she’s a bit young. Sleepovers aren’t something happening on the regular in her groups, so hopefully she won’t keep missing out.
There are actually two of her very close friends whose parents I would trust and feel more comfortable with as I know them well. However these parents are “no sleepover” families, so we are in the same boat. I imagine when we are more open to the idea of sleepovers being an option when she’s a bit older, hopefully myself and these other two families can arrange something we are all more comfortable with.

I have to say, when reading these posts I am being much more swayed to say no by those who have experienced horrific things, than I am to say yes by reading the posts saying oh but she’ll be left out, you’re cruel, she’s missing out etc. I don’t believe that at 10 years old when she has an active social life with school friends, activities and everything else that she enjoys in life, that I am ruining her life by saying no to the first sleepover she’s ever been to. It’s not like I’m banning her from having friends.

This is all about you not your daughter, if you loved her you would let her go but you're making it all about you because either you had a bad childhood and are jealous of your daughter or you are jealous she has friends and want to put a stop to that or you want her to be your friend, as she gets older she will do as she wants and that will probably mean staying at friends and not coming home, you may be controlling her at the moment but thar will change, or maybe you're a narcasist who wants to punish her daughter and see her get bullied and left out with no friends, but that's OK because I'm keeping her safe, safe at home with a controlling narcasistic mother, I would look at the relationship with your mother and I'd bet money it wasn't a good one

Don’t worry yourself so much @FlakyCritic, I’m just saying no to a sleepover that she’s recently been invited to, that’s all. You seem very invested and also weirdly angry reading all your PPs - maybe it’s time to step away from this thread.

Wow, some of you are wild! 😂

I do find this a little sad. Sleepovers are the happiest memories from my childhood. I know there's a risk but I think the risk is absolutely tiny, especially as this invitation was for five girls, wasn't it? Extremely unlikely that someone would start abusing five girls.
Do you also not allow your child to go on residential school trips?
How can you ever trust anyone really? Even if you got to know some parents very well you could never know for sure. Most children are abused by family members who their mothers know extremely well (uncles, grandfathers etc) and would never have imagined could harm their child.
I think it's always unhealthy that when you start limiting your child's life due to your own anxieties. I know a woman with a 16 year old daughter who lives such a restricted life because her mother is terrified of everything. It's sad.

I am on board hugely with no sleepovers while children are young. My son had his first sleepover during the Easter holidays, he is 13. I trust him enough that he knows what is right or wrong, I also have such an open relationship with him that I also know that if something were to happen, he’d know to tell me/dad.

Can I also say, it doesn’t have to be the parents/adults in the home that you need to be wary of. It can be older siblings AND EVEN the friend! I know this from personal experiences going to a friends up the road (not even a school friend) and I didn’t even sleep over it happened in the day time where the girl (my age at the time- maybe 8?) sexually touched me while playing ‘mummy and daddy’ (I didn’t even realise at the time, and now realise she was probably being abused too perhaps for her to know what she did to me etc as it was very explicit.

It’s true they do like them.

We’ve done them because I do know the parents pretty well and felt comfortable but I can understand why you might not.

I hate hosting them though ( but do😬).

@NoSleepOver I hate sleep overs for the very reasons mentioned on here. The expectation of the DC, not wanting them to miss out but it’s going against all your instincts to protect them.

My DD had her first sleepover at aged 10. The DC were constantly asking so I agreed to have them out at our house. The other mum then said great my other DD could sleep at hers with her DD. I felt pressured as I couldn’t exactly expect her to trust me with her DD and not my other DD with her. I knew the mum well, we had become friends through our DC, we had each others DC most weekends to play and I’d met the father, had no ill instincts , but I still regret it. Nothing happened, DD was fine but it went against my instincts of no sleepovers.

In year 6, DD then went to a couple of sleepovers with her best friends and I felt comfortable with the parents, we knew them reasonably well. She’s now 16 and hasn’t had a sleepover since year 6 as she prefers her home comforts. This suits me wonderfully.

My other DD loves a sleepover but we turn them down a lot. For example, she asked last month for a sleepover with a child who we know but I have only ever greeted their parents at the school gate. I was honest and explained that I don’t know her friends parents at all so it had to be a no. She then had a sleepover last night with a friend of mine (our DD’s are best friends), I know the parents reasonably well, and they live just a few doors down from us. I am still not too joyful about them, but I try to find the balance and risk assess as much as I can.

My sister thinks I’m mad as she lets her reception age DD at sleepovers in the first term of school. I don’t see anything wrong with your viewpoint, we all want to protect our children.

As a parent I would be utterly furious if I was told the reason X child was not coming to a sleepover is that they were worried we would abuse her! You have to be careful how your word this as get it wrong and your child will not be invited to anything every again.

Go meet the parents and satisfy yourself.

What on earth?! My dd hasn’t been allowed on sleepovers and I can assure you that nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing her happy with friends. There are plenty of other ways for kids to socialise without having to sleep on others houses. Jealousy?! Wtf! The bullying and armchair psychology on this thread is crazy!

I think being "swayed" by stories from 20/30 years ago is doing your daughter a disservice. Things are different now, and while abuse can still happen of course, there is much more awareness of it now then there ever was then, things like child abuse were routinely swept under the carpet, it was a taboo subject to talk about, and a lot of children were never taught explicitly about consent in the way they are now, which left a lot of children powerless to know what to do if it ever occurred. Sleepovers years ago meant being cut of from your parents, if anything happened to you in someone's care then you were completely reliant on them to help you.. so a lot of children would have kept quiet to not cause a scene or not to get themselves or anyone else in trouble, abusers had the opportunity then to take advantage of that.

Now children can call home for any reason at any time, they know what consent is and when it is unacceptable, if they are made to feel uncomfortable or if there is any sort of attempted abuse, or they just want to go home, they are a phone call or text away from someone who will be there for them no questions asked. Instead of being at the mercy of others, that freedom affords an amount of control of their own decision making process.

Abusers also no longer have the protection they had to operate under the radar like they did years ago, being labelled a paedo on social media is a life changing event, an abuser will be hesitant to take risks unless they are absolutely certain they can get away with it.. the opportunity is no longer there like it used to be.

So it is up to you what you feel comfortable, but using stories from decades ago to 'prove your point' really proves nothing to be honest.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-68500510.amp

Stick to your guns!
case by case basis
communicate age appropriately and honestly with DD
reevaluate as she matures and her friendships grow between families

I do play dates and sleepovers at my house and yes I’ve thought that’s messaging “I’m safe and you’re not” but I don’t care…it’s not what I’m saying and people can decline the invitation if they want.

@Newventures You may not care, but tbh you may as well say to other parents’ faces that while their child is completely safe in your house, they’re clearly a bunch of pervs who can’t be trusted around children. Why is your household safer?

If you don’t feel that sleepovers are safe for children, don’t have them.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2021/sep/21/school-pays-tribute-to-derbyshire-pupils-killed-during-sleepover

So you would discriminate against a child because a parent has concerns? I don’t think OP is saying ‘the parents will abuse my child’ but that if she isn’t familiar enough with the family then she doesn’t know the risks. That’s perfectly acceptable. Knowing people who were abused at sleepovers and reading the stories on this thread I think being cautious is acceptable. You being ‘furious’ that a parent who hasn’t met you or doesn’t know you and your home life set up, what things you think are acceptable and don’t and who might be visiting is a huge overreaction. It’s perfectly fine to have concerns when you know nothing about a family, no need to be ‘furious’.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4332198/amp/Boy-11-dies-house-fire-friend-s-sleepover.html
lots of stories online about deaths at sleepovers, that’s before you get into the sexual assault risks.

I loved sleepovers as a child and some of my best memories are from them! I had people to stay at my house and stayed at others. I will allow sleepovers with my children.
However as an adult now I completely understand why parents feel they’d rather not let their children have sleepovers and I don’t think anyone should be made to feel bad for that. at the end of the day youre doing what you think is best for you as a family and that is okay to do.