Page 12 | How to tell DD no sleepovers

NoSleepOver · 2025-04-22T20:46:55+00:00

Hi, My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday. Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made. DD is now asking me ^why^ she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p****s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others. To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me. Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

jewelcase · 23/04/2025 11:02

Ilovelurchers · 23/04/2025 09:10

Two things here make no sense to me:

A) Why do you think sexual abuse only happens at night? It can happen at any time, in any place. We cannot keep our children away from all situations in which they could be abused, while still enabling them to develop normally. This is true of other risks too.

B) your refusal to tell your child about the concept of sexual abuse is massively endangering her and making her really vulnerable. She needs to understand what appropriate physical boundaries are, what to do if someone crosses them, and that this could happen in any situation. I do not understand why on earth you, and other posters who agree with you, think it's appropriate to keep your child in the dark about bodily autonomy and safety.

Overall I do feel quite upset and worried for your daughter. You have imposed a random restriction that makes no sense in terms of safeguarding but will impact her life on a negative way, and she isn't even allowed to understand your reasons. Of course, it is normal and appropriate for parents to have control over their children to some extent, but when parents and carers impose random rules and refuse to account for them it is potentially very destabilising and damaging for the children. In addition, it appears you are trying to delay her learning age-appropriately about sex, boundaries etc, and that is really quite worrying in terns of her future safety.

If you are a genuine loving parent with no sinister motives, please rethink these actions. Especially the lack of education you are providing your daughter with that could help her stay safe - that's the really really worrying part.

It’s because some people have a misguided concept of risk, and behave in a way they’ve been conditioned to behave in rather than in a logical way.

Fear of ‘paedos’ is rational, obviously. Paedophiles exist. But the fear is massively overblown. CSA is rare, and in terms of likely harms it ranks very low.

Also, as you point out, CSA doesn’t necessarily equal ‘bad man in strange house at night’. It is more likely to arise in another circumstance, probably one that the OP is taking less (or no) action to prevent.

We have been conditioned to think that CSA is a huge risk and that it is predominantly caused by strange men at night. So the response is natural. Until you think about it.

I think the risk of ‘paedos’ to the child is less here than the risk of missing out on the fun of being a child. But part of a parent’s job is to make these calls and one isn’t necessarily right or wrong.

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 11:07

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/04/2025 11:02

I have been made aware of the too many cases of abuse (due to my work) to not understand why OP is categorically against sleepovers. Only allowing them with „family friends“ / people one really trusts isn’t necessarily the solution either.

uncles, friends of parents etc. are statistically very likely to be perpetrators. I do not know what the solution is. But restricting a child to sleepovers with „trusted families“ definitely isn’t.

I suspect that children need to be aware of the dangers. So if OP‘s DD is to understand the dangers, she’s (perhaps) also too you to have a sleepover.

but I am not an expert. These kinds of questions have however been something I’ve been wrestling with now that my fiancé and I have decided to TTC.

I‘m an attorney (and primarily practice family and criminal law. Not in the UK, as one can probably quite easily tell). And I’ve just seen too much to just trust people.

Edited

Sorry, I’m not sure I understand what you mean - you said you don’t understand why she is categorically against sleepovers but that you’ve seen to much, have I misunderstood?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 23/04/2025 11:07

@dubstepper I didn't suggest 'punishing' the child just that I would think twice about what I invite him to, knowing his parents are going to be judgemental about me. It's a bit ironic to say I am being judgemental here!! If they don't need to justify their decisions neither do I, surely the same respect should be afforded to both parents.

Kbroughton · 23/04/2025 11:11

Horrified by some of the stories on here regarding SA and sleepovers. Very sad. I attended sleepovers with my two best friends from last year in primary school and they are some of my happiest memories. My daughter is in last year of primary and goes to sleepovers with her one best friend and she comes to ours.

Agree that you don't make things up. All families have rules and this is yours, you just state it calmly and let the claims of 'you're so unfair', 'everyone else's parents allow it' go over your head. Expecting your child to understand is unreasonable - you seem to want a magic wand which will allow your daughter to completely understand your view, accept it, and realise that you have her best interests at heart. She is highly unlikely to and this will only get worse when she goes into secondary. There will always be at least one person who is allowed to do whatever they want and you will be the uncool on. My daughter told me she hated me in Easter because I wouldn't let her go to a remote field with two friends!

dubstepper · 23/04/2025 11:12

Dontlletmedownbruce · 23/04/2025 11:07

@dubstepper I didn't suggest 'punishing' the child just that I would think twice about what I invite him to, knowing his parents are going to be judgemental about me. It's a bit ironic to say I am being judgemental here!! If they don't need to justify their decisions neither do I, surely the same respect should be afforded to both parents.

Perhaps including your sons friend in a positive way would allow his awful judgmental parents to get to know how lovely and accommodating you really are.

MzHz · 23/04/2025 11:13

NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:31

LOL! I did put the correct number of *s for paedos, but autocorrect or whatever has obviously changed it. But turns out from others posts that it is OK to say paedos, so I will - PAEDOS!

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you are being ridiculous. Why not invite her friends to her first? Sleepovers are a rite of passage and the more of them together the safer they are

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 11:16

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 11:07

Sorry, I’m not sure I understand what you mean - you said you don’t understand why she is categorically against sleepovers but that you’ve seen to much, have I misunderstood?

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She said she is too aware to not understand.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/04/2025 11:21

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 11:07

Sorry, I’m not sure I understand what you mean - you said you don’t understand why she is categorically against sleepovers but that you’ve seen to much, have I misunderstood?

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I have seen too much to not understand where OP is coming from.

I am however unsure if restricting sleepovers - or simply allowing them with family friends/ extended family etc - is a sensible solution.

I unfortunately know that „family friends“ / extended family (aka people a child‘s parents would trust) aren’t necessarily better or safer than „random parents“/parents of school friends.

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 11:22

Kbroughton · 23/04/2025 11:11

Horrified by some of the stories on here regarding SA and sleepovers. Very sad. I attended sleepovers with my two best friends from last year in primary school and they are some of my happiest memories. My daughter is in last year of primary and goes to sleepovers with her one best friend and she comes to ours.

Agree that you don't make things up. All families have rules and this is yours, you just state it calmly and let the claims of 'you're so unfair', 'everyone else's parents allow it' go over your head. Expecting your child to understand is unreasonable - you seem to want a magic wand which will allow your daughter to completely understand your view, accept it, and realise that you have her best interests at heart. She is highly unlikely to and this will only get worse when she goes into secondary. There will always be at least one person who is allowed to do whatever they want and you will be the uncool on. My daughter told me she hated me in Easter because I wouldn't let her go to a remote field with two friends!

And if it’s any comfort op, all the “ it’s so unfair” battles I had with my mum are now things I completely agree with her on. Children and their attitudes don’t stay young forever. It seems to me more often it’s not being protected that becomes an issue for life.

I also agree with the pp who said that often those who argue for “ independence” are often really trying to justify the convenient route. This applies especially on threads about walking about or being left at home alone. Children very quickly learn how to do these things; it’s the external things that can happen - weirdos, fires etc- that are not to do with the child’s lack of or possession of independence. No “ practice” ever makes any of us brilliant at those things.

Of course as they get older more things become more appropriate; but I can see age 10 could seem young for many.

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 11:28

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 11:16

She said she is too aware to not understand.

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I’m so sorry I still don’t get it - too aware to not understand why she against sleepovers? That’s contradictory. Am I being dense here! Sorry @PumpkinsAndCoconuts I see you’ve responded too; I get the rest of what you’re saying it’s just that bit!

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 11:29

Dontlletmedownbruce · 23/04/2025 10:41

This topic was discussed in my house last night. DS invited a friend but but he said no he is not allowed sleepovers because his parents don't know us well enough.

Truth is I am a bit insulted and it made me think about their reasons. He is 12 but a newish friend. Do they think they are too good for us? Have we done things that indicate we are irresponsible? Are we too liberal with Internet or devices, are we bad parents somehow? Or maybe they think DH could be a paedophile, am I supposed to be OK with this presumption on their part?

Apparently it's because they don't know us well enough but what is the threshold for them, do we need to be related or just a bit more friendly?. If for example we have them all over for dinner do we fall into a 'safe' category just because we've shared a bottle of wine? Perhaps they have super human paedophile detection powers that no one else possesses. They can be sure only people in their inner circle are good enough because of their incredible ability to judge, how bloody arrogant of them. I understand it's their right to decide what's best for their kid and I need to respect it but damn right I'm insulted and I will be thinking twice about inviting him along to anything else because I'll be subjected to their sneery judgement.

Edited

Wow so not inviting the kid and punishing them because of your own insecurities?

Because let's be honest, they've said none of those things about screen time/your DH etc you've just imagined that and their alleged superiority.

Id be doubly cautious of any parent who takes my parenting decisions for my child so personally as I'd assume they're very emotionally immature.

Id also not give one single thought to offending you as my child's safety takes precedence

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 11:33

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 10:31

As a teacher, who has done residentials, please make sure your child has had some sleepovers before this.

I have done many residentials and the kids whom have never had a sleepover have a really hard time. I have literally been up until 1am/2am comforting kids who are having their first night away from home.

At least if she had a sleepover with friends she can be prepared and if overwhelmed you can put things in place to help her.

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Aye sure ill put my daughter at increased risk of SA so your job on the residential is easier 🙄

FlakyCritic · 23/04/2025 11:59

If she was 5 or 6, I'd understand. But at 10? She is old enough for that. You're being selfish. There is helicopter parenting, but you are being cruel and selfish. You are ruining your daughter's happiness. Do you she'll look back on her childhood without sleepovers (when everyone else had them) and thank you?? Please get therapy. You might think you mean well, but deep down, you know you're only doing this on a selfish level for yourself, to reassure yourself. Your daughter's happiness should count, too. Please get some therapy. You're ruining your daughter's happiness. She's almost going into high school, ffs! What will you say then, when all her high school class are having sleepovers, and she can't because of her neurotic and selfish mother? Re-think, because you are WRONG on this.

Kbroughton · 23/04/2025 12:03

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 11:22

And if it’s any comfort op, all the “ it’s so unfair” battles I had with my mum are now things I completely agree with her on. Children and their attitudes don’t stay young forever. It seems to me more often it’s not being protected that becomes an issue for life.

I also agree with the pp who said that often those who argue for “ independence” are often really trying to justify the convenient route. This applies especially on threads about walking about or being left at home alone. Children very quickly learn how to do these things; it’s the external things that can happen - weirdos, fires etc- that are not to do with the child’s lack of or possession of independence. No “ practice” ever makes any of us brilliant at those things.

Of course as they get older more things become more appropriate; but I can see age 10 could seem young for many.

Edited

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I had a friend in secondary whose parents owned a pub. I was never allowed to stay over. I was so mad at the time. I remember my Mum saying that i could stay over but only if she could meet her mum and dad, I was mortified and said no! So I didn't go. I was so mad at my Mum, but obviously she was totally right. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted and I thought she was so cool and my parents were so horrendous. Obviously now I feel really sorry for her. She was left on her own all the time and her parents didnt care where she was and what she did.

FlakyCritic · 23/04/2025 12:09

PS 'Laughing' at posts just shows up who and what you truly are. Your poor daughter. Now 'laugh' at this.

TheaBrandt1 · 23/04/2025 12:14

Seems sad to have a total ban. Sleepovers were a big part of my late childhood and i have extremely happy memories of them. Same for my girls always with families we knew and liked.

To me a total ban is the equivalent of not allowing car travel because there might be an accident. Life is a series of calculated risks.

Original poster

NoSleepOver · 23/04/2025 12:16

FlakyCritic · 23/04/2025 11:59

If she was 5 or 6, I'd understand. But at 10? She is old enough for that. You're being selfish. There is helicopter parenting, but you are being cruel and selfish. You are ruining your daughter's happiness. Do you she'll look back on her childhood without sleepovers (when everyone else had them) and thank you?? Please get therapy. You might think you mean well, but deep down, you know you're only doing this on a selfish level for yourself, to reassure yourself. Your daughter's happiness should count, too. Please get some therapy. You're ruining your daughter's happiness. She's almost going into high school, ffs! What will you say then, when all her high school class are having sleepovers, and she can't because of her neurotic and selfish mother? Re-think, because you are WRONG on this.

I’m ’laughing’ because you sound like a nutter!
I’m being selfish for not letting my DD go to a sleepover? How is it selfish?
I’m ruining my DDs happiness by not letting her go to the first sleepover she’s been invited to? Okaaaay… never mind about any other aspect of her life hey? A sleepover is the be all and end all of life is it? Right.
You sound like you might be the one who needs therapy TBH

OP posts:

HolyStyleFailBatman · 23/04/2025 12:16

TheAmpleBalonz · 23/04/2025 00:40

This is a terrible thing to tell her. You’re basically saying to her that there’s something wrong with her and she can’t cope. This is why there are adults full of anxieties. Tell her the truth and discuss it rationally.

and if you can’t tell her that there may be predatory people about then she is going to be very vulnerable as she won’t know what’s happening if god forbid anything happens. It’s what predators rely on. Knowledge is power

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I didn’t make it clear that what I told my daughter is true, she does often wake with bad dreams and needs comforting to get back to sleep. She obviously is already aware of this and so it made sense to her as a reason not to do a sleepover.

I believe she has vivid dreams because she is a very creative person, but don’t know really

Tiswa · 23/04/2025 12:17

@NoSleepOver are you taking any of the actual advice though that although your concerns have merit your role is to be truthful and listen to your daughter as you start to navigate the next stage of parenting (one which is harder in a completely different way) and one in which it is about giving her the ability to make choices and protect herself

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 12:21

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 11:33

Aye sure ill put my daughter at increased risk of SA so your job on the residential is easier 🙄

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No, it's about you as a parent preparing your child for things they may find difficult.

But I am well aware there are plenty of lazy parents who can't be arsed and happy to leave the parenting of their kids to teachers.

Also, it is no teachers 'job' to do residentials at all. It is entirely based on the goodwill of teachers VOLUNTEERING their time.

MrsSunshine2b · 23/04/2025 12:24

HolyStyleFailBatman · 23/04/2025 12:16

I didn’t make it clear that what I told my daughter is true, she does often wake with bad dreams and needs comforting to get back to sleep. She obviously is already aware of this and so it made sense to her as a reason not to do a sleepover.

I believe she has vivid dreams because she is a very creative person, but don’t know really

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If your 10 yo is regularly having disturbed sleep due to nightmares, you need to be getting help for her, not just claiming it's because she's creative and curtailing her social life.

FlakyCritic · 23/04/2025 12:27

NoSleepOver · 23/04/2025 12:16

I’m ’laughing’ because you sound like a nutter!
I’m being selfish for not letting my DD go to a sleepover? How is it selfish?
I’m ruining my DDs happiness by not letting her go to the first sleepover she’s been invited to? Okaaaay… never mind about any other aspect of her life hey? A sleepover is the be all and end all of life is it? Right.
You sound like you might be the one who needs therapy TBH

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You're the one that is wrapping your daughter in cotton wool to the extent she is 10 years old and hasn't even had a sleepover yet. That is not normal. That makes you sound like a nutter. And yes, you are selfish because you are thinking about your discomfort with it, and not about the socialisation and the happiness your daughter will feel.

LadysSmock · 23/04/2025 12:27

FlakyCritic · 23/04/2025 11:59

If she was 5 or 6, I'd understand. But at 10? She is old enough for that. You're being selfish. There is helicopter parenting, but you are being cruel and selfish. You are ruining your daughter's happiness. Do you she'll look back on her childhood without sleepovers (when everyone else had them) and thank you?? Please get therapy. You might think you mean well, but deep down, you know you're only doing this on a selfish level for yourself, to reassure yourself. Your daughter's happiness should count, too. Please get some therapy. You're ruining your daughter's happiness. She's almost going into high school, ffs! What will you say then, when all her high school class are having sleepovers, and she can't because of her neurotic and selfish mother? Re-think, because you are WRONG on this.

Are you okay? This is such an extreme response. ‘Ruining her childhood’?!

canthavethatonethen · 23/04/2025 12:29

And when she reaches 16? What's your excuse going to be then? There might be alcohol or drugs in the building, or an older brother who might be a rapist, or the house could burn down, or they might show a horror film, or someone might be looking at porn on youtube?

Come on. This is not about keeping your dc safe, this is about your own insecurities. You are going to have to let go at some point.

FlakyCritic · 23/04/2025 12:31

canthavethatonethen · 23/04/2025 12:29

And when she reaches 16? What's your excuse going to be then? There might be alcohol or drugs in the building, or an older brother who might be a rapist, or the house could burn down, or they might show a horror film, or someone might be looking at porn on youtube?

Come on. This is not about keeping your dc safe, this is about your own insecurities. You are going to have to let go at some point.

Exactly. It's all about the OP.

How to tell DD no sleepovers

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