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Original poster

How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

428 replies

Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 05:22

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 17/04/2025 05:48

Sounds like they’re stressed to the eyeballs. I think I maybe did 1 hour a day revision for GCSE and did well. 6 hours is too much imo. It’s also not an excuse to be an asshole.

However I don’t see how a child can run up ‘debt’ to their parents for snacks and drinks. You either say they can have the money or they can’t have it. Revision isn’t an excuse - snacks and drinks aren’t needed for revision. And I doubt they’re doing much revision on these coffee dates.

Tell them if the revision is causing them to be so horrible then they need to dial it back and learn to balance stress with life.

TeenToTwenties · 17/04/2025 05:51

I would cut some slack, but there have to be some boundaries for communal harmony.

Also it may depend on whether they are actually revising, or just saying they are.

Original poster
Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 05:53

Thanks. The six hours is their choice. They are very focused on wanting only 8s and 9s which is a burden they have put on themselves and is not coming from us.

They have my card on Apple Pay. It’s never been a problem before as they are usually very responsible. I could remove it now but they would see that as undermining of their revision. Often they go to the local library for the day to study away from siblings etc and then they eat out at lunch which is part of the expense but one they think we should support given the revision.

OP posts:

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16 year olds Families
Sadsadworld · 17/04/2025 05:58

If you can afford it and you believe they are working effectively this way/out of the house, I would support that.

Being rude/not clearing plates I would try and maintain rules on.

DeskJotter · 17/04/2025 06:00

Jesus, cut them some slack while they are revising. And pay for their lunches and snacks during this time. Can't believe you need to be told this.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 17/04/2025 06:01

I suspect the stress comes from not actually revising as much as they say they are. Meeting friends in coffee shops and going to the library and buying lunch out are classic revision avoidance techniques.

In your place I'd be having a private chat about how things are going, how far along they are in their revision plan, etc. If you are predicted good grades and revising that much you shouldn't be that stressed. The behaviour isn't acceptable. I had a part time job when doing my GCSEs and still found plenty of time to revise.

ChompinCrocodiles · 17/04/2025 06:02

I think I maybe did 1 hour a day revision for GCSE and did well. 6 hours is too much imo

Yes, this.

I know plenty of people who've excelled in their A Levels and not put anywhere near 6 hours a day in.

SilverButton · 17/04/2025 06:07

As this is out of character and there are just a few weeks left to go, I would be inclined to cut them some slack.

CurlewKate · 17/04/2025 06:10

Basic civilised behaviour is non negotiable-although obviously cut a little slack at stressful times. But 6 hours a day is far too much. Apart from anything else, it’s not sustainable. The pressure must be coming from somewhere-what has the school told them about revision?
Can you put a block on his spending? Agree a reasonable amount and limit tit to that.

Oblomov25 · 17/04/2025 06:13

Hmm I think 6 hours is too much myself. Ds2 is not doing that much. Basic manners rules in our house still apply at all times, so some of what you've written wouldn't sit well with me. It wouldn't be ok to behave that way in our house.

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 06:13

My DD did the same amount of revision last year, as she wanted (and did achieve) 12 x 9’s. She did not become rude though. I wouldn’t have cut any slack for rudeness. I would probably give money for coffee / cake if she was going to revise, but I take a hard line on rudeness and sulky behaviour from teens. Revising doesn’t mean you can’t spend 5 mins unloading the dishwasher.

Original poster
Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 06:14

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 17/04/2025 06:01

I suspect the stress comes from not actually revising as much as they say they are. Meeting friends in coffee shops and going to the library and buying lunch out are classic revision avoidance techniques.

In your place I'd be having a private chat about how things are going, how far along they are in their revision plan, etc. If you are predicted good grades and revising that much you shouldn't be that stressed. The behaviour isn't acceptable. I had a part time job when doing my GCSEs and still found plenty of time to revise.

I agree this might be an issue and have broached the subject of shorter periods of more efficient revision. They just bite my head off and insist they are studying hard all the time.

I am about to wake them up as today they want to try six hours before lunch and a free afternoon to relax. Maybe that will work better for them than letting it take up the day.

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 17/04/2025 06:15

6 hours a day over Easter holidays is fine, though on the higher side as to what most will do.

Posters saying what they did back in the day are largely irrelevant, since the number of exams and volume of content has increased a lot since GCSE reforms around 8 years ago.

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 06:18

ChompinCrocodiles · 17/04/2025 06:02

I think I maybe did 1 hour a day revision for GCSE and did well. 6 hours is too much imo

Yes, this.

I know plenty of people who've excelled in their A Levels and not put anywhere near 6 hours a day in.

Most kids don’t do 6hrs but a few kids, my DD did also as she wanted top grades. I’d say 1hr a day isn’t enough when there are so many subjects to revise for. 2-3 is probably ideal.

The pressure for my DD came from herself and her own drive to get top grades. Her dad and I tried to get her to take a couple of days away in the Easter break but she was having none of it. It’s difficult as you know they need to take more breaks, but you can’t force it. I was glad when they were over. Not looking forward to it again next year for A levels, and also uni entrance exams to prepare for in the Autumn term. We have never put any pressure on both our DC for education, but both have a lot of drive to achieve.

Original poster
Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 06:18

12 9s! Well done to your DD.

I do wonder where the pressure to achieve like this comes from. My eldest wasn’t this hard on themselves and they were at a more pushy academic school than my 16 year old who is at a good state school but not a selective school or a hot house. For their cohort they are doing really well but they put so much pressure on themselves to be the best.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 06:19

TeenToTwenties · 17/04/2025 06:15

6 hours a day over Easter holidays is fine, though on the higher side as to what most will do.

Posters saying what they did back in the day are largely irrelevant, since the number of exams and volume of content has increased a lot since GCSE reforms around 8 years ago.

Exactly, so much content and not sure how 1hr a day in the school hols would be anywhere near enough with many kids doing 10 plus GCSE’s. My DD had 25 exams.

MumChp · 17/04/2025 06:20

I wouldn't accept bad behavior.
And hard work - yes, but I work 8 hours a day. I wouldn't feel sorry but help them set up a 4 hours schedule. Our schools never expected 6 hours in holidays.

Landlubber2019 · 17/04/2025 06:21

Oh dear, I would be looking to dial back on the pressure and expectation to achieve only 8 and 9s. Is this realistic goal?

I would continue to fund their cost and snacks but no way would they have full access to my bank account. Why can't they use their own account and link it to apple pay?

My concern now is how the heck are they going to cope when the exams start in a month, when they seem overly stressed now?

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 06:22

Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 06:18

12 9s! Well done to your DD.

I do wonder where the pressure to achieve like this comes from. My eldest wasn’t this hard on themselves and they were at a more pushy academic school than my 16 year old who is at a good state school but not a selective school or a hot house. For their cohort they are doing really well but they put so much pressure on themselves to be the best.

Mine go to a state school, but it is graded as outstanding by Ofsted. My kids just had their own drive and internal pressure to get good grades. I think the school obviously encouraged a certain number of hours, particularly over the Easter break, but my DD definitely did a lot more than this. I was very concerned about burnout. Once the exams started, things calmed a bit. The months leading up to them was definitely the worse for how much work she was doing. It’s certainly a stressful period. Roll on June!

CurlewKate · 17/04/2025 06:23

@ChocguzelWhat has the school suggested?

Original poster
Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 06:24

Landlubber2019 · 17/04/2025 06:21

Oh dear, I would be looking to dial back on the pressure and expectation to achieve only 8 and 9s. Is this realistic goal?

I would continue to fund their cost and snacks but no way would they have full access to my bank account. Why can't they use their own account and link it to apple pay?

My concern now is how the heck are they going to cope when the exams start in a month, when they seem overly stressed now?

I think it could just about be realistic but I also think it’s an unnecessary and arbitrary goal. Their mocks were 5x 9, 3x 8, 2x 7 and a 6. They want to get the two 7s and the 6 up to 8s. The 6 is chemistry which they really struggle with so that’s the biggest challenge.

OP posts:
Emanresuunknown · 17/04/2025 06:26

Chocguzel · 17/04/2025 05:53

Thanks. The six hours is their choice. They are very focused on wanting only 8s and 9s which is a burden they have put on themselves and is not coming from us.

They have my card on Apple Pay. It’s never been a problem before as they are usually very responsible. I could remove it now but they would see that as undermining of their revision. Often they go to the local library for the day to study away from siblings etc and then they eat out at lunch which is part of the expense but one they think we should support given the revision.

OP you sound like you've fallen for the lines your teen is spinning, hook line and sinker!!

You are just taking them at their word when they say they are revising for 6hr at the library and you are allowing them to spend what they like buying snacks and drinks 😳

They've just worked out if they say 'revision' you give in!

Bet they are not doing 6hr revision per day. I call bullshit, they are hanging out with their mates eating nice snacks and drinking posh coffees. You've been had

WhatMe123 · 17/04/2025 06:27

Well firstly it's great they're trying hard but that's a lot of pressure they're putting on themselves. I'd be quite worried about that tbh. Second you should cut them slack as they're clearly stressed however I wouldn't accept a monster living in my house I'd still set some boundaries. Like they don't need to stomp and shout at everything do they that's just rude. You need to set this boundary now as you've got a lot of studying still to come and sounds like you'll be in for a rough few years if you don't

MumChp · 17/04/2025 06:27

And I would cut down on buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc.
I would happily bring snacks and stuff from Tesco and they can invite friends over to study.
But tbh it's fun meeting out spending money on lunch. Nothing to do with revision. I would be happy to pay one day out but not everyday.

Landlubber2019 · 17/04/2025 06:28

It's great that they want to do well and their predicted grades are good. Yes the 6 is lower, but its still a good pass. Do they want to pursue chemistry,? If not why a high grade so important?