How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

There’s a limit to what DC can physically spend on coffee and snacks. Many parents spend tens of thousands on private education for their DC or in ‘rewarding’ them for results.

Personally I would be delighted my DC are working hard. If they feel working in a coffee shop (as many adults do) is beneficial for them and work is actually getting done, a few quid for lunch would be here nor there for me.

Absolutely ludicrous in my view that parents would choose to make an issue of this in the GCSE period.

6 hours a day is not a lot at all for DC wanting top grades.

There is a lot of content now in GCSEs and many subjects to cover.

Easter is the time to be knuckling down. There is a whole summer afterwards to be with friends.

Are they getting any exercise? I insisted when mine was doing similar. I forced them to go out once a day for some exercise even if it was a walk.
It makes a big difference.

Rudeness should not be tolerated. You can’t go through life snapping at people and behaving horribly when things get stressful. That’s a sure way to make people dislike you. I’m sure we’ve all worked with those kind of people and they are horrible to be around because you walk on egg shells.

I would have a firm but fair conversation that you appreciate the work and effort they are putting in to their exams, but rudeness will not be tolerated and they are still expected to follow basic house rules.

How much revision is actually going on when they meet friends at coffee shops..?

I disagree with PP about "Ignore the rudeness" and "Let them off jobs" as they are doing their GSCEs.
Giving them slack like this does not equip them for being decent members of society. Or a family. They may want 12 grade 9s..but surely not along with being an absolute entitled, rude, lazy arse?

Your DC needs to learn how to deal with stress/workload as well as putting the hours in.

Politeness and civility needs to be maintained (maybe a tiny bit of slack the night before an exam, but not now!)

Contribution to the family needs to be maintained. They can still tidy up after dinner/dishwasher etc. How long does this take? Again, some slack the night before their worst paper, but not yet.

We have to learn to continue to function during tougher times. To still maintain relationships. To contribute to the family. Doing so maintains the "goodwill" for want of a better word, so your sibling/parents say "Hey, I know you are worried about tomorrow, don't worry about the dishwasher tonight, we will pick up the slack". Shitting all over your family for a month beforehand just teaches them that they can behave how they like without thinking of the consequences just because, poorvthem, they have a "workload".

And the endless spending? No! How will they ever learn anything about budgeting. Give them a weekly amount. Stick to it. If it is gone by Wednesday then they have to live with it.

There is no need whatsoever for DC to be stacking dishwashers during GCSE period.

The DC’s school was very clear with parents that DC should not be spending time on chores like this during exam season.

Mine is doing 5 hours most days. Sometimes 6.
Follows this “routine”.
Gets woken at 9am. Works 10-12.30 (2.5 hours)

Lunch break includes relaxing and often playing piano for pleasure/chatting to friends/going in garden/walk.

Then works 2/2.30 - 4.30-5pm (2.5 hours max)

Then exercises. May see a friend. May do one hour extra in evening. Then will watch TV in French. Goes to bed 11pm. Rinse and repeat. Some off days in that too.

School told them to follow a school day as closely as possible and stick to a routine, exercise and also do down time. Plan revision in advance and stick to the plan. Try and revise all subjects, and not over revise certain subjects only.

This is mental to me. They are exams, not the end of the world!
Normal chores should continue. Stacking dishes takes 10 minutes of time.

The way some parents (and schools!) approach exams is crazy, and I say this is an ex-secondary school teacher! A couple of hours revision a day is PLENTY for a 15/16 year old. The world does not stop revolving because they have exams.
I had a string of competition ponies to keep fit and mucked out during exam months and my mum was quite happy for that to continue as it was my escape. I was still expected to be a nice human and do chores asked of me.

I hate to burst peoples bubble but provided kids get their maths and English and enough to get into their chosen sixth form or college, nobody gives two hoots about GCSE’s. The level of pressure put on kids over them is ridiculous.

Total nonsense. GCSEs are important for those aiming for competitive courses. They are also an opportunity to develop skills like self-discipline, which will be important in future.

The ‘new’ GCSEs are significantly more difficult due to the amount of content included. They are also more stressful than A levels in my view due to the number of subjects, including those which DC wont have chosen.

The DC’s school were very clear that students should under no circumstances be doing chores during exam season. They were told to report this if it happened and it would be treated as a pastoral issue.

@SeaSwim5 - did your school also tell them to follow a standard school day for revision roughly?

I think this is quite excessive.

I have sat multiple exams - GCSEs, A-Levels, university and the LPC exams.

I treated revision like a 9-5 job. 6-9 before revision was like before work. Wake up, coffee, breakfast etc. 9-5 was studying, with coffee breaks, an hour lunch break and then by 5-6ish, revision stopped. I would go to the gym, do housework, laundry etc. revision is important but not so important that the rest of life stops! What next? They don’t shower?

Yes- they were encouraged to follow a standard school day plus ‘homework’ time. They advised this should include break and lunch times as normal, plus shorter breaks when they would be moving between lessons.

Exercise and down time was also encouraged, but they were told that big days out with friends should take place after exams.

I know my DC would be much more stressed if they’d been gallivanting about with friends all day rather than working hard.

It’s a shame that so many DC have their future options limited unnecessarily at age 16 purely due to not working hard for their GCSEs.

With respect, I’m not sure this is accurate.

I do agree that GCSEs are not “the end of the world,” and need not determine the future completely, but they will play a part.

Certainly some Dc won’t want to go into competitive courses, which is fine. But if they do want a competitive university course, they will need to demonstrate competency in other ways if the GCSEs aren’t where they need them to be. Just having Maths and English won’t get them anywhere near a competitive uni course. That’s not to say falling short of a string of 9s is the end of the world; unis and employers take gcses in context and they are probably the least important of a bundle of criteria. But if you really prioritise their dishwasher stacking at this stage, they may be stacking dishwashers ( or similar) for many years to come.

ETA one of the most important aspects of gcses is actually preparing them to know how to succeed in the later ( and more significant) challenges if A levels, university and career. Not many people get through uni exams on two hours study.

A pastoral issue if you ask your kids to tidy their dishes away or lay the table?
The world has gone mad.

Thanks goodness I worked in a sensible school where results were fantastic but kids weren’t put under ridiculous pressure to alter their whole lives over some exams.
And yes, my exam classes achieved fantastic grades, just so you know.
I’m proud of how we approached it. I’m proud that we didn’t push children to revise for 6 hours a day.

A-levels are a world away from GCSE’s in content/style and what is expected, regardless of fewer subjects. The fact you think otherwise shows your limited understanding. The amount of kids who drop from high GCSE grades to mediocre A-level grades demonstrate this every year.

There are more options open to young people than ever before. The GCSE system does not have the long-term impact that it used to. It’s your A-level results that are the key to university, that and a good personal statement.

There are also functional skills courses for those who fail maths and English. It’s not the end of the line like it used to be.

Actually having just disagreed with you on the gcses don’t matter, I DO agree with this observation: that success at gcses doesn’t determine a level ( and other more important) success. BUT I do think gcse is the time to be getting into gear for what those later courses will demand.

I think it’s your reading comprehension that needs work. I didn’t say GCSEs were more difficult than A levels, I said they were more stressful. Ime that is true as DC have a high number of subjects to cover, including many which they wouldn’t have chosen.

It is also my experience that the ‘bright but lazy’ crowd who scrape through GCSEs with mediocre grades will struggle at A level. They will lack both the subject knowledge and study skills needed, which those who worked really hard for their GCSEs will have developed.

How long to some folk think stacking the dishwasher takes?

Honestly, it is healthier for everyone if there is balance in everyone's lives. 6 hours revision before lunch is unrealistic and, frankly, won't happen because no one concentrates for 6 hours solid.

GCSEs are important, but not the be all and end all.

I agree that GCSE revision is a good starting point, absolutely.
But I’ll never agree that children should be revising for 6 hours every day in the holidays. 2-3 hours is enough. A good mix of revision and fun/normal life.

Yes we cross posted.

I do agree that gcse isn’t the be all and end all some treat it as. Straight 9s means relatively little for the different style of study that A levels and uni demand. But I do think they can’t just decide not to really bother with gcse if they are going to hit the studies hard down the line, if only because it’s time to begin developing a work ethic.

But you did your GCSEs before the change to greater content and the LPC is open book so a doddle in comparison!

Believe me, GCSE’s are not more stressful to most children. The amount of young people who struggled at A-level exam time far outweighed those at GCSE in my 18 years teaching!

I also sat law exams before they were open book, at home exams. While heavily pregnant. I sat the LPC with a young child. Life goes on. The world doesn’t stop because you’re slightly stressed by exams.

I’m also baffled at the dishwasher stacking thing!

Stacking the dishwasher is shorthand for tasks other than revision and relaxation. Of course ten minutes is fine; but time is limited when they need revision time, downtime, exercise, sleep. Not many people could find several extra hours in their daily routine without cutting out at least some of their normal tasks.