How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

@verycloakanddaggersi have no idea where 4 million came from-I must have been still asleep.😳But around 100 is still right….

I think some of the stress probably comes from being told they’re running up a debt?! They can’t work, they’re revising. Can’t you take the younger siblings out of the house for a day or so so they can have some more relaxed studying at home? Have you done anything to accommodate them at the house?

When I was studying for my GCSEs the house was almost always quiet. Granted my brother was a year older, so he was revising for AS Levels, but my parents ensured I had snacks, coffee etc., in the house and left me well alone. Are you making the house a welcoming environment for them?

Looking back GCSEs are not that hard. But at the time, they’re literally the most stressful thing you can go through.

In terms of where the pressure is from I see he has an older brother- did he do very well? You won’t be putting pressure on but seeing a sibling do well or maybe the school atmosphere again maybe not from teachers.

Sounds like they’re stressed to the eyeballs. I think I maybe did 1 hour a day revision for GCSE and did well. 6 hours is too much imo.

I don't think 6 hours is that unusual, both my DDs did/are doing full days of revision during the Easter holidays. GCSEs have been updated since you did your exams and are more content heavy and less course work based these days.

Having said that they might not be revising in the most efficient manner or they've not been steadily revising throughout the year and are now panicking. Or they are just getting stressed, my younger DD is getting more and more stressed even though she has been working steadily and did well in her mocks. I spend a lot of time encouraging her to take proper time off to see her friends/family or do a hobby. Her behaviour hasn't noticeably deteriorated though and I know she's working, and with both of them I've reminded them that after GCSEs they have A levels, degrees, work and family and the stress just keeps increasing as you get more able to cope with it.

Right, so in adult life, any difficult thing they have to go through, they've learned to cope with it by spending recklessly?

Nah bollocks to that.
You don’t get to be a dick because you chose to ‘revise’ 6 hours a day and get a free lunch out everyday!
Its time to learn some responsibility and spend what they’re allowed or can afford and tailor the studying to what they are able to cope with

Lol,.get them to show you the stuff they've covered / planning to cover in 6 hours, and what they're doing as revision.

Frame it as interest and support.

There's no chance they're studying a solid six hours.

They're wasting their time doing this.

5% of all grades were a 9 last year.

www.statista.com/statistics/282422/gcse-grades-in-england/.

No of course not. But if the OP hasn't taught budgeting up to now, is this particular month or so the most opportune time for this particular lesson? I'd save it until after the exams.

The child can very easily take a lunch and snacks with them when they're out and about. There's no need for them to be spending lots of money al the time.

Why not?

Just tell the child that they can't do this. If they want they can spend X amount per week nothing more. After that have food and snacks from home.

It's 5% of just over 5.8 million entries (GCSEs sat) by 667,000 students.

So surely there were 290,000 grade 9s awarded?

However , the students that got ALL 9s is around 1200 students.

(And they're all on Mumsnet apparently - as you'll get someone going my DD got all 9s and so did all her friends, it's not that unusual 🤣)

www.gov.uk/government/publications/infographic-gcse-results-2024/infographics-for-gcse-results-2024-accessible

How? I'm intrigued you could revise 13 subjects in 1 hr a day. That's only 2 hours revision per month for each subject. How can you get top grades across the board with that little work? Do you have z phenomenally retentive brain that could recall material from classes you'd done at the beginning of the 2 year syllabus?

If it's affordable, I would think it's a nice thing in a very stressful time. Snapping at you if out of character is going to be a manifestation of the stress they are applying to themselves, it sounds like the outcome of ultra focus, again I would remind them to be polite in a light way but not be harsh about it. I have a DS studying more than 6 hours a day on A levels but he is going to his Grandma's flat to revise which is very quiet and I just took him to my Mum's house which is detached, quiet and rural as he didn't want the distractions of his bedroom. Unfortunately, our neighbours are doing an extension and using our drive for scaffolding, initially they promised it would be over by now but it isn't and it is too noisy. When we stayed with my Mum, he put his phone upstairs, worked downstairs and hardly had breaks, my Mum said, "he worked like a Trojan horse" but A levels are a bit different and he needs 2 A* A for the university he wants to go to. All the pressure he is applying worries me but it seems to me that the exams are earlier than in my day (late 90s) and over really early!

Good luck to your DC!

@CurlewKate yes they do give specific feedback and I personally think it is helpful. It, like a lot of popular subjects, was just massively oversubscribed and we rightly or wrongly believe they culled anyone with a grade 7 to just leave everyone with grades 8 and 9 because they are classed as an A star.

The reason I mentioned it is because the landscape for unis has changed a lot since I went (dark ages with slate boards) and an entry grade is just the lowest they will take applicants in on. Because predicted grades are not foolproof if the entry is A star AA then they are far more likely to offer to those on 3 A stars or more because if they drop a grade it doesn't fall below the entry. Some places are incredibly reluctant to accept someone who didn't meet the grade offer.

https://www.durham.ac.uk/study/undergraduate/how-to-apply/decisions-and-replies/if-you-are-unsuccessful/#d.en.1241574

@TropicofCapricornI’m pretty sure I’m right about only about 100 get 12 9s. All 9s is different, of course.

I’d cut them a fair amount of slack personally. It’s great they are motivated to spend a decent amount of time revising (I think 6h a day during the Easter holidays for upcoming GCSEs sounds about right personally especially if aiming for the top grades, which isn’t to say that’s easy, and some people genuinely do revise effectively in groups or in an out of home setting etc).

All the study guides for parents say try to not sweat the small stuff at this stage of things and also it’s helpful to make sure they have favourite snacks etc around. If they’re usually well behaved and responsible with money I’d probably let the snacks etc slide though also reasonable to set a hard budget for them if it’s getting really out of hand especially if you’re genuinely struggling to afford it etc. Same with chores though also reasonable to set a minimum expectation (for me I ask my son to do 15 minutes of household help a day mainly cos I really need the help as a single working parent -timing of his choosing generally and I set the task depending what I need most help with that day). I would focus on rudeness if I wanted to tackle one thing, it’s good for kids to understand that no matter how stressed they are, they still have some responsibility for their behaviour towards others and it can affect others negatively, though a certain amount of slack can generally be cut from those who love them at such times.

My usually very kind and pleasant son became a moody snappy rude nightmare around GCSEs, and it’s happening again though to a much lesser extent actually (I think because at least he has less subjects now and they are ones he’s chosen, plus he has the possibility of resits if absolutely needed etc) for A-levels. He’s doing 4 hours a day with Fridays off because that’s the maximum he personally feels is reasonable and that he’s able to cope with in terms of a work/life balance without feeling completely demotivated and low in mood over it all. I still think it should be 6 ideally, but it’s his life ultimately and 4 is still a good amount at least and a lot of his subjects are things like maths where a lot of it is applied knowledge and he has a natural talent for. I’m picking my battles!

He reverted to normal as soon as the exams were over and in fact as a pl said about now is really the peak of stress in terms of timing and it eases up slightly for most once the actual exams start. I did have to speak to him about rudeness to me around GCSEs as it was genuinely at the point where it was starting to affect my own mood especially as we usually get on very well and he’s my main source of company really most days (I have bipolar disorder and am a single parent). To his credit he did stop and listen and tried hard to moderate the snappiness to me after that.

Tbh unless the rudeness and spending is off the scale, I agree with this. It would be very easy to have a much sterner and more effective talk after the exams, especially about budgeting: well done for getting through it but we need to have a talk about how you handled these aspects…

Although they act as though they don’t care, teens do mostly still care how they treat parents and making a big issue out of how poorly they are navigating it this close to exams is only going to add layers of stress for them.

I’d gently remind them about politeness and budgeting ( “I know you’re stressed Dc, but please don’t snap at me” in a calm voice) but the heavy-handed lecture and spending cut-back can come after the exams. It’s not long now.

Trying to do 6 hours revision before lunch to keep the afternoon free is ludicrous. I wouldn't be waking him up either. He's old enough to be more responsible and it'll just be another flashpoint. I think you're going to have to get tough.

The other thing I would say is number of hours of revision ( speaking from uni experience here) can be very misleading and a bit of an arbitrary measure.

One student’s six hours can be equivalent to another student’s intensive three hours depending on how efficiently they study. It’s very normal, especially when younger, to let the clock do the talking rather than actual progress. Students tend to count time in which they are sitting in front of their books thinking what they will pack for their summer holiday but not necessarily focusing to full capacity.

DS2 is doing GCSEs this year. I absolutely do not accept rudeness towards me or others. Shouting and picking fights isn’t on, and I wouldn’t accept him spending way more than I’ve given him.
Being a bit snappy and on edge maybe. Being supportive doesn’t mean you let them off being rude and disrespectful.
Learning good study habits includes looking after your own wellbeing, not just racking up hours with your books. They’ve got weeks to go so I’d sit down with them and try and work out how you can help them manage their behaviour.

So I looked back as I still have a shared spreadsheet from Ds1 doing his GCSEs in 2019. It lists his Easter revision. He started at 8am, did 45 minutes on some subjects and 30 minutes on others. 1 hour for lunch, 15 or 30 minute breaks and finished at 4.30pm, plenty of time for gaming after that. I was his beck and call, drinks, snacks, chat, playing him motivation songs for fun (One Vision, Queen and Lose Yourself, Eminem) he didn't have to do any chores either.

I will caveat this with he was predicted 6s and aced out mainly 9s and some 8s. So he did work hard and smart which is important and it paid off. That meant essay planning for History and English Lit books and poetry based on past paper questions. Being tested on science questions rather than just reading it over.

I never had to learn 15 poems, themes, structure, form, picking out language and explaining two different interpretations of the word. I helped where I could and he had a count down on the wall to the exams and another one for when it would all be over and a list of things he wanted to do over that summer. I would make sure that his revision is effective.

That sounds tough op, great you're reflecting on the best way forward.

PPs have covered lots. But I just wanted to say - if the snacks are sugar laden or fried that's probably not helping? I remember when I was doing my professional exams, it was the first time I had unfettered access to whatever I wanted to eat (during school exams I studied at home and parents bought the food, during uni I didn't have the funds for lots of snacking), and I reached for easy snacks as it was "easier" when revising. But, I had the worst mood swings...a lot of it was due to stress and I needed to learn to manage that, but it was exasperated by the sugar/junk food which has a similar impact on me even now.

6 hours a day is absolutely not excessive for someone aiming for all 9s!

There’s a really bizarre attitude amongst some when it comes to GCSEs that DC should just be happy with passing- not helpful for those wanting to do competitive uni courses or just work as hard as they can.

I would be backing off majorly during this time. They are stressed enough already and I certainly wouldn’t be adding to it by bickering about stacking dishwashers or a few quid for coffee.

6 hours a day is a lot. Mines been doing a couple of hours and is with her friends the rest of the day. Burn out is not good.