How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

But do you think that depends a bit on the style of learner?

I think A levels demands more real ability whereas the broad but shallow sweep of gcse suits the diligent. I think sometimes those who performed well and very diligently at GCSE get a shock … But I still do t think that’s a reason to just not really bother with gcse preparation.

I’m afraid that’s how the world works.

I would have much preferred after a day of revision for my LPC exams to have done nothing. But I had a young child. I’m not sure that her nursery would have accepted “sorry, I’m revising!” as an excuse to not wash her.

If they’re following the school day plus homework, that’s essentially the 9-5 schedule. That’s 3 hours before sitting down to study and 5 after to do all sorts. Including chores.

Well that's a new one on me! I think you are projecting based on what you say/do yourself. No one is asking this kid to do all the housework and the shopping. GCSEs should not involve this sort of pressure either - sounds more like writing a dissertation.

But that’s why university is generally full time.

Eta you’ve given well to juggle things round a Dc etc, but that’s not the typical study experience. Many students do a working day of study, especially around exams.

If the groups of young people convening at my local Caffè Nero are anything to go by, a certain amount of work is getting done, albeit in chunks of time with breaks for chat etc. Six hours seems like a lot, however, even at CSE level (I am that old😁) I was doing a minimum of three hours for six subjects and a similar amount when I went on to do GCEs, so it's roughly equivalent.

It's not unreasonable to have certain standards for behaviour. The fact that you're revising and understandably under stress, does not mean that those around you deserve to have their heads bitten off for the crime of existing. This doesn't mean that siblings and other family members can't be considerate; after all, the further up the academic ladder you go, the more likely it is you'll move out, with all the advantages that can imply for everybody. But exam stress isn't a licence to lose your rag every time a family member makes a noise louder than a goldfish burp. Similarly with household chores; mine were kept to a minimum while the hot meals continued to arrive, but the exam period doesn't create a moratorium on other life-phases, including bereavement. My parents had to negotiate that without a lot of additional input at home from me (I was in the middle of A' Levels.) I redeemed myself by getting the results I needed to leave home for university - this made some space in our very full nest - but 42 years on, I'm aware of the fact that the compromises were much more on their side than mine. I'm also aware that I seem very wise and rational now - at the time, I was appalling to live with.

Not really, because teens need extra sleep. Like I said, mine is sleeping 10 hours!
School (competitive grammar) told them this is not a holiday but revision is just like school. You can take off one day on the weekend, but do something soulful. They also told them they are getting extra holiday in June and the whole of July off so to knuckle down for now, because it matters. Vast majority of these kids are aiming for Russell group unis and medicine etc and will need to get top grades. It is good solid advice to just follow their normal school routine and build in exercise and if they are all doing it, they will do well as a cohort.

2 hours is nowhere near enough for the vast majority of DC to do their best.

It is no wonder there’s such variation in results across schools and ethnic groups if that’s what some parents are encouraging. They are letting down their DC with the bigotry of low expectations.

And so is the revision that these children are apparently expected to do! I’m sorry but the world doesn’t stop because of their exams.

My ds does around 1020-440 with short breaks, then music rehearsals and occasional friend meets in the evening. He had a couple of days of near the beginning of the holidays and two or three afternoons where he has extra music (chorister and Holy Week) but has carried on otherwise. Also a few trips to the gym. He doesn’t seem very stressed but he is aiming for more 7/8s, (will hopefully get one 9) and is only doing 9 subjects.

It is quality of revision not quantity.
Perhaps that’s where a lot of Schools are failing? Our kids were taught ways to revise that worked for them. 2 hours quality revision with a brain that is not tired, bored or fed up will absorb and remember more than that of someone plugging away for 6 hours in a way that might not actually be beneficial to them.

On the chores, mine is still changing their sheets, cleaning their bedroom, making their bed, taking washing down, did some babysitting for £ for cousins (at their request), made dinner once or twice, stacks their own plate in the dishwasher, brings their own multiple mugs down to the dishwasher! But they are not having to walk the dog etc as normally, only if they want to.

I have always taught all of mine to eat healthily and tidy up before revising. Because tidy space, tidy mind. And this DC is quite messy/chaotic, so doing some basic chores is part of the revision, in a way.

The trouble is, exams and grades are more important than ever (unfortunately) the world of work is far more competitive than in the past and your DC will be competing with many that have been afforded advantage like private school and intense tuition. My opinion is if you can't afford all of that, then you do what is in with your ability. I don't personally care about housework but I don't have any family rota anyway. Manners wise, my DS studying for A levels is very laid back and wouldn't show his stress by snapping anyway so it isn't an issue but I think I would just remind them to be polite but let most of it go if I was in the OP's position.

And I should add, Universities do give two hoots and so do graduate positions, I have current experience of all of this with children this age, friends' and colleagues' children this age and niece and nephews. They all look at GCSES. I don't know when you completed your education but it is a different world now!

Quality and quantity are required at GCSE. There is no way that they can cover the content required in 2 hours with the best techniques in the world.

But they can absolutely cover it while being a functional human. Half an hour to clean their space, stack dishes and be a decent member of the family after their revision is done for the day is not going to harm them.

I think it’s true that gcses are more easily overlooked than other aspects if the A levels, undergraduate degree etc are much better. However, if they are going to develop the skills for later, they need to be learning them now. And often it takes time to develop efficient study technique - regardless how well the school has guided them. There’s a difference between being shown and doing it yourself. The reason gcse is an ideal time to practice study technique is imo because the gcses are that bit less important.

Totally agree. There are some parents who spend hundreds of thousands of pounds to maximise their DC’s future opportunities.

Clearly that isn’t possible for many, but I find it mind boggling that some will then quibble about their DC doing laundry or buying coffee during their GCSEs in that context.

In my view the other decent members of the family should realise that GCSEs are a very difficult period and free up half an hour for them to relax by clearing the sodding dishwasher themselves.

And act as if it’s allowing them to never make a bed in their life.

I was in a very competitive uni course and I can tell you there were a lot of unwashed coffee mugs and unmade beds around finals in our lodgings!!

Again, if they’re following the school day + homework time that you said they are, that leaves approximately 8 hours a day to do other things.

Within those 8 hours they can surely find time to put a wash on or empty the dishwasher

Sorry, new MN doesn’t allow cut and paste so I have to quote whole post.

What does “treated as a pastoral issue” mean? A phone call home to tell parents their teenagers should not be washing up or putting the bins out, or bringing washing in from the line?
My son doing his regular stuff around our home is not standing in the way of his study or down time.

Yes but a GCSE student is a child, you are an adult studying and yes, that is life, my DH qualified as an Architect when our first was born, he was working as is required part three, hanging to visit and stay in a different city for the lectures and exams whilst I was at home with our baby. That baby is now revising for A levels and there is no way we'd want that for him, he is out DC we want the best for him so real life can take a back seat a bit as far as we are concerned.

So you don’t allow your son to even fold and put away his own washing?

So when he’s at university his room will become a pigsty, because exams trump everything else? When he’s having a stressful week at work? There are minimum standards that need to be adhered to no matter what.

Totally agree. And while studying with a baby is to be applauded in that it is hard work, it’s neither the norm nor the ideal. Some uni courses don’t allow it.

It’s just me and DS at home. He’s taking exams in his stride. There’s no way I’m trailing around after him doing all the housework like he’s royalty. I’m making sure I’m as present as he needs, ensuring he has a quiet space to study and he has resources, but the world keeps turning.