How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

I agree with you.
When you are an adult and preparing a big presentation or conference, you still have to run your home and care for your kids. Time to learn.

My son is doing about 1 hr a day.
He is capable of doing everything round the
house etc but it’s agreed that he does absolutely nothing until after his GCSE’s apart from put his clean washing away (or just wear clean clothes from the pile I put on his sofa). He has quite a bit of cash as I give him an allowance and he works on Sundays so can buy whatever he wants really (I appreciate that’s a luxury that many people don’t have.) If you can afford it I would fund the snacks your child wants for the revision time.
My son isnt rude or argumentative though. The difference may be the fact that your child is doing 6,hrs a day, which is a lot.

Exactly.

I have a big client meeting on Thursday of next week. Does that mean I don’t make lunches for my daughter to take to school? I don’t wash her clothes, help her with her hair, her teeth, make dinner for her? Of course not. 16 is plenty old enough to learn these skills.

Students rooms often become pigsties over the few weeks of exams- if by “ pigsty” you mean unmade beds, overflowing laundry basket etc. Things don’t actually degenerate into utter filth over an exam period. Most students shower, flush the loo, do an urgent laundry load here and there. I’m yet to hear of a student dying of an unmade bed.

Again, there are minimum standards to uphold. You need to be able to teach your children to manage their workload, and that includes the general duties around the house. Making your bed each morning takes under a minute.

There really are, I have huge insight into this as I have relatives at that age with all the advantages you can imagine, they are helped with everything in school, personal statements for universities take 4 weeks for example, graduate positions helped by networking. I actually feel I let my son down as I didn't help him with the personal statement (as he didn't ask) until UCAS fee had to be paid. In the end it was fine and he has offers from four out of the five but i do wonder about the fifth. Ultimately, I can't pay for those advantages, he does have some as attends a good sixth form college as a result of where we live but things like this (housework for two months) are not worth the potential disruption at a crucial time as far as I am concerned. My Mum was the same with me and learnt how to do housework and didn't leave stuff to rot in public areas at university halls as I'm a considerate person.

Why, what happens if they don't, isn't it up to a student who is a young adult?

But you're an adult, sorry but conference prep is not the same thing as your first ever big exams at 16.

It’s just slovenly and shows a general disrespect for yourself and your surroundings.

Getting into a made bed each night is a nice experience - why would you not want to give yourself that? Having a tidy room shows a general respect for yourself, why would you not want yourself to be in a pleasant space? Having dirty dishes lying around your room, unwashed clothes and a messy room isn’t putting yourself in the right headspace to focus.

A client meeting is presumably a standard aspect of your role.

It is nowhere near the same as revising for and sitting 20+ exams.

A parent who isn’t washing their DCs’ clothes during their GCSEs to allow them to focus on revision and downtime is seriously letting them down.

You seem determined to insist that only GCSE exams can be stressful. Stressful times are not an excuse to not look after yourself or your surroundings.

No, they’re not. They’re teaching them resilience

Allowing dc to focus on their studies during exam time is fine. They don’t forget how to do chores just because there’s leniency around exam time.
Its great if they’re ambitious and are studying hard of their own accord.

She's not sitting 20 3hr exams in one day... they'll be spread out, of varying lengths and perfectly manageable.

That’s interesting. I can remember having 2-3 exams per subject and doing 10 GCSES in the 90s but we also used to have a lot of course work which counted towards the grades. I know the conservatives decided to change the system to be more exam focused so I can imagine studying/higher volume of exams would create more pressure for kids.

Op, maybe it would be helpful to look for a book about revision techniques to make smaller chunks of reading more efficient. I’m fairly sure there is research to say the quality of study is more important than the quantity. Exhaustion disrupts the way the brain works and makes it harder to think so be careful about that.

'allow'? He can put his own washing away if he wants but we have big drawers for efficiency reasons so DH and I fold it and it is in a pile on the end of his bed that he will put on drawers if on his room but otherwise I would just put it in I have found them sitting on a chair as he is concentrating on revision, guess what? the world didn't end!

My room at uni was sometimes a pigsty, not communal areas as I was at university to learn my subject, if an essay had to be in, I would abandon my cups and go to the 24hr library, needs must. I wasn't there to learn how to clean, now as someone in there mid 40s, I can run a household, have mastered the art of cleaning up and organising my house!

Sorry for poor grammar!

I suppose if your standards are low, you’ll allow your children’s standards to be low.

It is just not comparable to conference or meeting preparation and I bet you wouldn't have been very good at that at 16!

Sounds like they’re just stressed. 16 year olds are actually still children too emotionally and developmentally - it’s hard to remember that at times. This is probably the first time they’ve experienced this kind of stress.
I would let most of this go but set a weekly budget for things like coffees. Maybe give cash each week temporarily if the card situation isn’t working

They can relax in the 8 hours surrounding the 6 hours of "revision".

Ten minutes doing the dishwasher is not a big ask. Especially as they somehow manage to find the time to go to coffee shops...

That’s what I think.

Perhaps all the time spent commuting to meet their friends can be spent at home!

I think you are on the wind up. My cleaning standards are exemplary but I don't think cleaning should be a main goal in life, it isn't an achievement in my family or DH's, I suppose for some it is a reflection of their character, especially if they all are a bit insecure...