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Original poster

Has anyone ever became a guardian of a child suddenly?

165 replies

lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 20:57

If so, how did this affect your relationship? Likely to get guardianship of niece following sudden death of my sister. It has caused some resentment with partner already, particularly as we already have a child and only wanted one however no one could have anticipated this. Haven’t even had a chance to grieve with this looming over us.

OP posts:
anon2022anon · 16/04/2025 20:58

No, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss, and the little ones.

Breezeee · 16/04/2025 20:58

Not been in your situation but sending you love through this hard time.

Danikm151 · 16/04/2025 21:01

If it’s caused resentment from your partner you may need to face the prospect that your relationship may not last should you decide to go ahead with the guardianship.

If you do- never let your niece feel like an inconvenience- it’s not her fault.

do you want to take her in?

Peacepleaselouise · 16/04/2025 21:02

I’m so sorry for your loss. I haven’t and I don’t mean to minimise what a big thing this is but I’m a bit shocked that your partner is not 100% supporting you. I’m very confident that should we need to care for our nieces and nephews on either side in this kind of tragic circumstance, we would be of one mind that it was the only and right thing to do.

TeenToTwenties · 16/04/2025 21:03

If you want helpful advice, try the fostering and adoption boards. There is a breadth of experience including 'kinship carers'.

Be kind to yourselves.

(Also however being the guardian may mean making decisions in your niece's best interests which doesn't necessarily mean living with you if that isn't going to work)

Sorry for your loss Flowers

mildlysweaty · 16/04/2025 21:03

Danikm151 · 16/04/2025 21:01

If it’s caused resentment from your partner you may need to face the prospect that your relationship may not last should you decide to go ahead with the guardianship.

If you do- never let your niece feel like an inconvenience- it’s not her fault.

do you want to take her in?

Absolutely this

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 16/04/2025 21:04

Danikm151 · 16/04/2025 21:01

If it’s caused resentment from your partner you may need to face the prospect that your relationship may not last should you decide to go ahead with the guardianship.

If you do- never let your niece feel like an inconvenience- it’s not her fault.

do you want to take her in?

This.

I would get into couples counselling quickly if you can.

Ohioatdawn · 16/04/2025 21:07

Goodness, how can he feel resentment in these circumstances?
Poor little girl.

Waterlilysunset · 16/04/2025 21:08

Fuck me nothing would make me hate my husband quicker than them having an issue looking after an orphaned blood relative

TeenToTwenties · 16/04/2025 21:08

Washing powder so clothes smell the same
Photos of her mum in her bedroom
Space to talk
Memory box
Boundaries to feel safe
Winston's Wish (I think)
Explaining house rules, but maybe adapting

How old is she and how old is your DD?

Original poster
lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 21:08

Danikm151 · 16/04/2025 21:01

If it’s caused resentment from your partner you may need to face the prospect that your relationship may not last should you decide to go ahead with the guardianship.

If you do- never let your niece feel like an inconvenience- it’s not her fault.

do you want to take her in?

I am prepared for that. I would choose her every time. She deserves as much love as any other child and I can give her that. He has always been an amazing uncle to her and he’s an excellent Dad, so he can too. It’s just a stressful prospect which I understand. We both work full time, toddler in nursery. Niece is just about to start primary. Logistically seems almost impossible so I understand his concern, though ultimately I want to give this little girl the world. It’s hard to find people who have been in similar situations.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 16/04/2025 21:09

Are there any other family members that could take her if you didn’t, or would it mean the care system?

If he would see her go into the care system, it does not reflect well on him at all. I couldn’t be with someone who would stand by and let that happen to my niece or nephew.

TeenToTwenties · 16/04/2025 21:09

Where is the Dad?

Eldermillennialmum · 16/04/2025 21:12

I'm sorry for your loss OP and I can understand your husband position but I would be the same as you and take the child. As PP says it's important she's not made to feel unwanted so maybe speak to him and explain why this is so important and he needs to think about whether he is in this with you as if he's not fully in it won't work. It sounds harsh but that's the truth. It may just take him some time to get his head around it.

Original poster
lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 21:13

mnahmnah · 16/04/2025 21:09

Are there any other family members that could take her if you didn’t, or would it mean the care system?

If he would see her go into the care system, it does not reflect well on him at all. I couldn’t be with someone who would stand by and let that happen to my niece or nephew.

She wouldn’t go into care if I said no. All other family members are looking at me now though. The rest are all in their 50’s. We said we would discuss it after the funeral but I’m getting questions every day regardless and I know which direction it’s heading.

OP posts:
Moonsonetime · 16/04/2025 21:14

I know someone who this happened to the little girl became number 3 and the youngest- was about 4 or 5 too and they just got on with it. It was dealt with all very matter of fact which stopped any school gate chatter about circumstances.

Original poster
lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 21:15

TeenToTwenties · 16/04/2025 21:09

Where is the Dad?

Hiding out somewhere avoiding the warrant out for his arrest for refusal to pay child support I assume. Not the nicest of people, hasn’t seen child since she was a baby anyway and not on birth certificate.

OP posts:
Moonsonetime · 16/04/2025 21:18

You said DP not DH. Will this mean you stop working? You are financially in a bit of a vulnerable position at the moment if you are not self sufficient as you are not married so be very aware if adopting your neice makes this more so for you. You are right to be cautious because you don't have the financial protection of marriage.

GJMJ · 16/04/2025 21:20

I’m sorry for your loss, poor little girl xx
we have stipulated in our wills that should anything happen to myself and husband our children would go to my brother. She will be looked after best by you.

TeenToTwenties · 16/04/2025 21:20

Have you heard of Special Guardianship Orders? They might be relevant.

tryingeverys · 16/04/2025 21:23

The poor child. I’m so sorry. Who is looking after her currently?

Koolforkats · 16/04/2025 21:24

I’m an adopter who adopted similar age child, but obviously very different situation in that we went through long process to prepare and sought to be parents to that child. What I would say is use the support of the other family members. They can be valuable in helping out with days out etc for your niece to give you space while you adjust. Routines are really helpful to help traumatised little ones feel safe and as mentioned above memory box, opportunities to talk about mum, and discussion with her about what she calls you. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing your partner has worries if it’s come suddenly. It’s natural and may mean he’s just coming to terms with the enormity of it for all of you.

Ive heard really good things about Winston’s Wish re bereavement support.

Original poster
lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 21:24

Moonsonetime · 16/04/2025 21:18

You said DP not DH. Will this mean you stop working? You are financially in a bit of a vulnerable position at the moment if you are not self sufficient as you are not married so be very aware if adopting your neice makes this more so for you. You are right to be cautious because you don't have the financial protection of marriage.

I’m worried I won’t be able to work. Myself and 2 kids to be in 3 separate places at almost the same time each day. To be completely honest I’ve always loved my career so it is another source of grief. No possibility of flexibility. I’m not sure how marriage would have made the difference though, he would have always had the option to leave married or not and not have to support surely? Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Original poster
lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 21:26

TeenToTwenties · 16/04/2025 21:20

Have you heard of Special Guardianship Orders? They might be relevant.

Do you know much about these? I assumed that’s what it would be though not sure entirely what the other options even are.

OP posts:
Original poster
lightlycultured · 16/04/2025 21:30

tryingeverys · 16/04/2025 21:23

The poor child. I’m so sorry. Who is looking after her currently?

She is going between 3 households at the moment though spending most weekdays with her Grandad and his partner. She doesn’t seem phased by this as was used to spending a lot of time with us overnight anyway.

OP posts: