Has anyone ever became a guardian of a child suddenly?

[lightlycultured]

If so, how did this affect your relationship? Likely to get guardianship of niece following sudden death of my sister. It has caused some resentment with partner already, particularly as we already have a child and only wanted one however no one could have anticipated this. Haven’t even had a chance to grieve with this looming over us.

It must be a huge shock to be suddenly put in this situation, and I'm very sorry for your loss. To reassure you, I and thousands of other families are doing exactly this and it's totally fine.

You just need to have some wraparound care for school, and have a school and nursery that are in the same direction and as close as possible.

Thanks for all this info. I’d hate to put her through something then realise we couldn’t do it, though I don’t think I’d do that anyway. I think with a 4 and a 2 year old we know we’d suddenly have no time or space. It’s the kids I worry for, both demand quite a lot of attention understandably. 4 year old possibly ADHD too I worry I can’t give her what she needs/deserves. It’s nice to hear from someone in a similar situation I hope the wee man has settled in well.

My youngest child has a life limiting condition so I can totally understand your concerns about time/space/etc.

Tbh what settled me into saying yes was that a very elderly relative said to me that it's not ideal, but the ideal isn't possible for him. His mummy is now dead and so we had to move to the next step down which is "the next best thing".

And it's a hard decision because that involves making the decision to be "the next best thing" to your own child as well. It's not a decision anyone wants to make.

For me I believe I can give the children the best that I can, and better than the alternative (for DN that would be care). That's not ideal. But it's the best I can give. They've got a safe home, with food on the table, and it's not perfect but it's safe, warm and loving. They'll get the best opportunities that I can give them. That might not be as many as the only child of a millionaire, but it's still more than many many children get so I believe they'll do well in the long run.

DH and I do have a brutal honest policy with each other though. We have an hour a week, away from little ears, where we can both freely moan/bitch/complain about the extra worry we have, or the unfairness of Dds condition etc. there are no cast ups later or decisions made on the back of it. It's a free safe space to vent, and I thoroughly believe it's a very helpful thing.

My amazing sister became the guardian of my two youngest brothers when she was 22 and they were 9 and 11.
It was really tough but she did her absolute best.
I agree with another poster, ask family members to contribute towards cost of a childminder/before or after school club.
And can I say how sorry I am for your loss, and what a truly amazing person you are to take on the care of your niece.
You will do your sister proud x

Thanks for saying this. It’s made me cry actually. She’s the one who made me an auntie, we’ve always had such a special wee bond. Just want to do right by her and my own wee one.

I can undertake your partner's point of view and don't think it reflects badly on him. Taking on an additional child is huge, especially one who has suffered such a loss.

I agree. People are being very harsh. It’s much easier to say “I would do this in a heartbeat” than it is to do it.

This is a terrible situation for all involved. It doesn’t make it any easier for the OP to have people judging her partner for his perfectly understandable reservations.

Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss. How awful for you all. I've not been in your position, however, it does seem that you and your partner are best placed to offer your niece a stable home, particularly given the close age of your child.

I understand some of your reservations. I remember how, when I had a baby/toddler, older children seemed more daunting and much older by comparison. But now I look back and see them as just babies. She's just a really little vulnerable baby herself still. I think that you will adjust quite quickly.

It's only a matter of time before both children will be at the same school together and then logistically things will get much easier.

Could other relatives help with school runs? Could they have her for a night/sleepover on a weekend, particularly whilst you all readjust. I think that once that you have got your head around all the logistics and made the arrangements, then things will fall into place. It's just that right now it is a lot to take on board, particularly whilst you are grieving.

Sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say don't feel pressured or put pressure on yourself.

Whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Sorry for your loss. I wish you the best of luck in caring for your niece.

I’m so sorry, my brother in law’s wife died and it’s horrendous.
Wouldn’t the death nullify any funds due? I would have thought legally the father has a right to have his child over the aunt or grandparents. What have social services said?

Are you certain your sister didn't have life insurance or assurance before she died? Many companies have a death in service benefit.

If neither of the above apply and there's no money in her estate then see if there's anyone else in the family who can donate some money towards nursery/wrap around care etc. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders.

Also worth looking into whether you'd be eligible for further benefits or funding from the government.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I had a work colleague in her 50's take in her daughter's two very young children, aged a few months old and 2 years old. It wasn't due to death, but a really complex social situation.

She now has guardianship. There has been a lot of hassle in terms of finances/support for childcare etc, as I believe you don't get as much support as a foster carer, for instance.

So sorry for your loss anyway OP. It sounds like you love your niece. I'm so happy she'll be with a loving relative. Hopefully your husband will come to terms with it and is just in shock.

I don’t know, maybe. Doesn’t matter anyway as he wouldn’t pay. He doesn’t have any rights he isn’t on the certificate and he wouldn’t want them anyway. They have said “good luck, we’re here if you need anything”.

I am so sorry for your loss. You sound an amazing aunt.
Contact Kinship care for more advice. I am sure you will be able to claim Kinship care payments from your local authority.
kinship.org.uk/

No, just a lot of debt. Maybe a pension worth a few thousand at best. She was only 30.

OP, I feel for you. Sending a hug.

Hope it all works out. Life has a strange way of throwing curve balls our way.

I bet you are shell-shocked. Find friends to lean on. You would be surprised who would end up helping even if you don't know it yet....

I would take my niece in a heartbeat in this situation.

Well done for stepping up, plenty wouldn't.
Get your niece some (lots of) counselling.
I lost my dad when I was very young. It's screwed up my entire life. I needed help, and didn't get it. Counselling was offered, but my mum said I didn't need it. And I really did.
Good luck.

Thanks to everyone who has commented with any advice, guidance and kind words. I can’t reply to everyone, I think I’m emotionally exhausted but I take it all on board. Ultimately I love this wee girl so much and will do my best for both kids. I believe partner will come around, he is just worried too. He is wonderful. The replies have given me faith that it will all click into place, somehow at some point.

You sound like an absolutely wonderful, caring and responsible woman, I think your niece (and your own little one) are really lucky to have you in their lives. I'm so sorry about your sister: it must be the most traumatic and shocking time for you, even without having to think about the wellbeing of her child.

I haven't any experience in this at all, but perhaps more of us should give some thought to who would care for our dependants. I often wonder what on earth would happen to DS2, who is autistic with LDs, if my DH and I were in some sort of joint accident.

OP I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think your partner's immediate reaction to this sudden, unexpected situation is wrong at all. In fact to me it shows he understands the gravity of it. I'd be more worried if he'd just said 'sure, no worries' as I'd be wondering if he had really thought it through. An additional (traumatized) child will have potentially huge consequences for your family not just over the coming weeks and months but for the next couple of decades. So for the sake of the child and your whole family it's much better for you to talk those things through now rather than a few months down the line when times get tough, which they will. You're doing an amazing thing.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You sound so lovely giving this poor little girl a life with you.

Sorry if someone has suggested, but it occurred to me that if you're getting a lot of pressure off the 50 yo relatives, perhaps you can be honest with them and say you will have to give up work, you would appreciate some financial help from each of them to support you during this time. I don't think that is unreasonable, if they're pressuring you right now.

lightlycultured

I am so very sorry for you loss.

"I believe partner will come around, he is just worried too. He is wonderful. The replies have given me faith that it will all click into place, somehow at some point."

I am so pleased to ear you say that.

I hope the wider family will all offer to help with either drop off or pick ups etc and also contribute financially if possible.

I could be wrong but it is my understanding UK kinship carers can get payments like foster cares, which would certainly help. Please take all assistance offered.

https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/advice-and-information/financial-support-and-benefits-for-kinship-carers/

No idea if this organisation will be useful or not.

We have a birth child, now 20, and an adopted son, who is now 14, adopted over a decade ago. We have found our local county council adoption services to be brilliant with support etc. Your local area may not be so, but I hope you will get whatever support is right.

Good luck. XXXX

Check if your work offer any kind of leave to cover adoption/fostering.
Look at getting your neice and DD into school and nursery near to each other, even if it means moving one or both. Or get other family signed up to help with drop off, pick up and before/after school care.
Plan to continue neice staying regularly with grandparents.

Had a relative die young recently with several debts and no assets. Most (possibly now all) debtors have written off the debts on being told the estate is valueless.

A lot of childcare/wraparound/travel problems can be solved with money. See if you can write a list of what additional care you’d need. Childminders sometimes do pick ups. Cost it up and ask the many older relatives if they can help pay. I’ll bet they do not want to do full time parenting again but would like to feel part of the solution. You say she stays with grandparents alot? If you could make that a tradition that she stays there one weekend a month or whatever, they will all have fun and you get some time to concentrate on the little one. She could do the same when older if you like. Be specific about what the relatives can do to help!

We took in my partner's nephew at 16 when his mother died (his father had died a few years previously). I won't lie, it wasn't easy, but we pulled together and the three years that my nephew spent with us gave him the stability that he had sadly lacked with his mother (they'd moved house often). He ended up becoming the first person in our family to go to university.

It was hard on my stepdaughter, so when we bought a 3 bed property a couple of months after taking my nephew in (albeit 30 miles away as that was the only area we could afford), we ensured that she got a better bedroom than previously (in fact, she got the loft conversion roof, the best bedroom in the house!) We also got a dog which we'd always wanted but were never allowed in our previously rented 2 bed flat.

I hope things work out for you. Pull together, keep talking to each other and make some time for yourselves in amongst everything else. You're doing a fantastic thing and you'll get there.

Condolances to you, Op. What a shock!
You will pull through; all the best.
The little girl needs you to be the main decision maker and her main protector. Great that you are already close.
Always accept help, before you think you desperately need it. You seem like you have a caring extended family.

It would be worth charting a yearly plan for holiday care etc.So nobody is surprised or put out to have your niece for a holiday.

Start up a Go-Fund-Me page for educational fees and extra curriculum activities, and housing for your niece. A target of 500000 could be your aim. You could be responsible for the fund until she is 25, at which time she could access the funds for housing and education herself.

My neighbour's sister had five children (in the 1970s) and that sister's DH's brother and wife also had five. The BIL and SIL died leaving five school aged children.
My neighbour's sister and her husband took all five in, bought a minivan and became a remarkable family with ten children.
They were truly inspirational and all the kids did well. Kept the family home rented out for the kids until it was sold for the five to have cash to fund their own house purchases.

My school friend grew up from a new born with his Uncle and Aunt and cousins because his father, who was left with three other children and a newborn when his wife died was unable to care for the baby.

A fellow I was in university with was one of eight children when his parents died in a car crash. A foster carer and her husband cared for them all like they were their own kids. They were amazingly kind and generous. My friend was quite sad because of loosing his Mum and Dad when he was sixteen though.

Another local woman has taken in her two nephews due to their parents addiction problems. She is a nurse and single. She sold her house and bought a very large one and told the boys that it would always be their home - sweet hard working woman. The boys are behaving well and are successful at school.

There are a few instances in our family tree, back in the early 1900s, where newborns were raised by their Aunts or Uncles - slotted into their family - when their own parents died in childbirth, or of TB, or were unmarried without support.