Has anyone ever became a guardian of a child suddenly?

[lightlycultured]

If so, how did this affect your relationship? Likely to get guardianship of niece following sudden death of my sister. It has caused some resentment with partner already, particularly as we already have a child and only wanted one however no one could have anticipated this. Haven’t even had a chance to grieve with this looming over us.

Yes if there’s other 50+ relatives who would potentially take her in, then surely they can also help instead if you do?

Them helping financially with monthly amounts towards her would help financially with that side. If multiple family then a joint effort. Towards day to day, expenses, private mental health for grieving, classes etc. even if it only ‘helps’ relive so much pressure on you. Them paying for a cleaner or gardener for example would free up some of your spare time to be with two children

And day to day time to help. Like you said about being in many places. Would grandparents/ other relatives collect from school a few days, or have a few days in school holidays? Or help by having both your children one afternoon on the weekend.

So sorry for your loss, how tragic for the young girl too losing her mother so young.

I think it’s understandable your partner is anxious, as this is a huge change in his life, and one he doesn’t have much say in. You should hopefully be ok juggling dropping off 2 kids, it’s not easy but wrap around care or childminder would make life easier, and at some point in next couple of years they will both be at the same school. Listen to your partners concerns, but I guess you need to make it clear that you are going ahead with this with or without his support. It’s a big thing, and it almost feels like you have no choice in saying yes. I hope family will step up to support, i’d call them all in for a family meeting after the funeral. Work out the logistics for now, and when school starts and ask who can commit to which days etc. I’d be vocal about help you need as this should be something the whole family step up with, not just you and your partner.

I was the child, many years ago. Was a ward of court then subject to a guardianship order and brought up by relatives who thought they were past the days of raising kids. I would not be the person I am today without them. I’ve got a good life - I’m well educated, good job, lovely little family unit of my own now. Didn’t hear from my father again until I was in my 30s so don’t think you need to worry about that.

Ask nursery or school for an early help assessment, this will open up access to support services. I don’t know what area you are in but there can be support available for children when a parent dies, support with helping a child deal with the changes and any behaviours that may result from this. She maybe seeming okay now but sometimes it’s when things become the new normal, that these things surface, but it is also support for yourselves. Becoming a guardian of a child who has lost so much will be difficult at times, but you are also navigating your own grief, which in itself is a big thing.

This sounds so tough for you OP, especially whilst you are grieving your loss too.
I think if you are going to go ahead then as PP suggested some safe space for DP to express concern openly and honestly. You need to ask relatives to help either financially or with time and hopefully you can get some logistics sorted. It's hard with those ages but maybe if you can find a school near the nursery or vv that may help? you can try to slot her into the school you'd want your DD to go to? Can you find a local childminder or something to help with pickup or drop-off?
But mostly big hugs OP

I haven’t but a close family friend has. It’s difficult and has put a strain on the relationship (they are both older, own children adults) but they are amazing people and the child is thriving.

The circumstances were the same and the child was the same age.

I would say you need to rally your village, all relatives need to be on board to support you as much as possible, practically and emotionally.

When it is done officially and she becomes a child in care you will have your pick of schools even if they are full.

https://kinship.org.uk

This website has lots of info.

So sorry for your loss OP and your poor sister.

You would be doing a wonderful thing and it sounds like you genuinely have your niece’s best interests at heart which is most important.

What I would say is you don’t necessarily have to give you your career, there would be only two years between them which means only two years of juggling different drop offs so I would do anything I can to get through those two years without quitting your job if you do love it. You may be entitled to some sort of adoption or special leave through work so check that. Consider a rota for pick ups, drop offs etc sounds like a lot of family around you which is good. Make sure your DP is doing his equal share. Holiday clubs, after school clubs etc once DN is more settled.

I know someone who took on a niece on a similar situation at almost identical ages to your niece and son and while not without its challenges of course, it is beautiful to see how the relationship between the cousins has developed. Your son will be too young to remember a time without her in time.

Make sure you access support in terms of counselling as well OP as you will need emotional as well as physical support.

Wouldn't you be eligible for adoption leave? Ask your employer. The terms are usually the same as maternity leave, and that paid time off from your work would give you headspace to work on the logistics and get your niece properly settled in.

Happened to a work colleague of mine - overnight they went from a couple with no kids or indeed ever wanting kids to parents of 3.

As a PP said, rally your village - make it very plain to everyone concerned they need to step up with time or financially. Obviously, plan for the worst case, but be loud about what help you need; don't assume they will realise or offer. My colleague use to say her main job was to be the kids' advocate - particularly in the early days - and to make sure everyone in their world knew what was expected of them.

And definitely check with your work. My colleague got a form of maternity leave to get things settled, this was useful to set up new routines, find childcare, deal with all the admin such as local authority stuff, changing school places.

I haven’t read the full thread but this charity for kinship carers can offer support, guidance and info. https://kinship.org.uk/

What a wonderful thing you are considering doing for your niece. Wish you all the best.

This happened to my friend's sister, my friend died very suddenly, and her sister took her DD in. Sister had been one and done and found herself with two.

We all think she was amazing to do it. Luckily her DH was supportive and the girls settled well together.

She formally adopted (eventually) and was able to take a year of adoption leave to sort the practicalities; she had a lot of support from family and her sisters friendship group. E.g. I have one day a week with the DD where I do school pickup or holiday cover.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you find a way through this for everyone.

So sorry for your loss, OP.
You said everyone looks to you to have Dn and the rest are in their 50s...I would urge you to have a good chat with everyone including those older relatives. One is tempted to think a young family would suit a young child best but with many people now having children in their 40s, it's not that unusual to see people in their 50s with kids. They are also likely to have more time (if retired or semi retired) and less responsibilities (presumably with grown up children rather than a toddler) than you. In fact, you said the granddad is looking after her now so why not offer to split the care: let them be the primary carer and look after her in the week and you have her on weekends and holidays.
Take care of yourself, sending you strength.

I worry about you not having married woman’s rights and possibly having to give up your job. Especially as your partner is not 100% on board. From what you said she may also have SEN. As others have said, there is little financial or practical support for kinship carers. There is a worse case scenario where you end up with both children, no job and minimal financial support.

Are any of the age 50+ relatives in a better situation (free time, money) to care for her? Or give you guaranteed help (wrap around childcare, financial help) so that you can continue to work while you have her? It sounds as though other relatives share her care now, so can they continue to do so? It feels as though you need a very honest extended family meeting where all of this is calmly discussed.

Hi OP

has anyone posted that you should be able to receive this allowance to help with costs :

https://www.gov.uk/guardians-allowance

As mentioned by others i would also check to see if your sister’s employer had death in service benefits : even the most modest jobs can have them, especially now with compulsory pension enrolment

Hi OP - just a few resources that might help you if you find yourself in a “need to know details” mindset

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers/
https://kinship.org.uk/

There are lots of different legal orders you could look at - Child Arrangements Orders or Special Guardianship Orders being the main two. Some kinship carers are actually foster carers but this has much more professional involvement and intrusion.
When the dust has settled a bit I would strongly advise sorting out some form of legal order for whoever ends up being your nieces main carer, so someone holds PR for her - not least because this allows a child benefits claim to be submitted. A child unexpectedly joining your household is also exempt from child benefit caps I believe.

Support from the council is variable - mine has lots, a dedicated kinship support service with benefits advisors, therapeutic support, a youth group. Others seems to have nothing 😞

I’d echo the recommendation for Winston’s Wish also.

So sorry for your loss 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Can the other relatives help out financially and logistically (help with school run or childcare, take her for weekends sometimes etc.)?

I was contacted by a social worker to ask me if I would take in my nephew who was going to be removed at birth. I ultimately decided against it as it would mean moving him to another country thousands of miles away from his siblings and other relatives who might have been able to keep contact with him and personally I'm not sure I could have coped and feared having to give him up and unsettle him more. I sometimes regret saying no, and wonder how he is doing now but I think I made the right decision and as he was a newborn he stood a very good chance of being adopted into a family ready for him. Very different to your situation with a child that already has a relationship with you and other relatives.
I wish you all the best, and hope your partner comes round once the shock wears off and he gets used to the idea.

Can you and your husband have some kind of round table meeting with all relevant family, excluding your child and niece obviously.

Spell out what they are all asking of you and set out what you will need from each of them e.g. guaranteed school drop off and pick ups x days a week, x evenings of childcare so you can work and a promise that she will go to one of their homes 1 to 2 weekends a month without fail, hopefully this will assure your husband you will have some help.

Obviously you don't want her going here there and everywhere all the time and you want her to feel like a full member of your family, but at this stage your husband probably needs some guarantee your lives won't be turned upside down (even if they likely will) and he won't completely lose the little family he has and loves as it is.

Good luck because this is every parent's worst nightmare and your little niece is so lucky she has you.

I have done exactly this, though caveated that mine was due to my sibling’s MH and inability to care for a child rather than someone passing away. Took on guardianship of my nephew at 2 years old, he’s 10 now so the processes may have changed but still happy to chat. You can message me x

So if it was the other way around would your partner expect your child to be put I. Care by your family?

how old is neice? Why would the children need to be in 3 different places. If she move in with you, she would eventually need to go to the same school as yours of the closest one to you. Maybe let her see out the year

I’m assuming the other relatives are your sister’s parents/ aunts and uncles as they are in their 50s. In which case they may have more ready cash than you. Consider asking for a direct debit contribution if they can’t help with the practicalities eg £50 pm to help with bills.

She can go to the primary near your house, they are usually within walking distance. Send her to breakfast club. He drops off your and you drop off neice.

Hi @lightlycultured - I’m so sorry for your loss and for what you’re going through.

I am a single mum with DD and my DN stays with me a lot as he’s from a troubled broken home. It’s been difficult but very rewarding and actually my DD has really benefitted from the friendship/ relationship.

I think it’s great you’re doing this for your DN.
As many others have said, do look into adoption leave at your work. If you choose a school your toddler will end up at this will make it easier in the future so the logistics won’t be ongoing of the different pick ups etc
Money solves many problems and perhaps setting up a GoFundMe , plus committed and regular financial and practical ongoing help from relatives is a very fair thing to ask.
Buy in as much practical help as you can with your financial help - cleaner/ shopping delivered etc will help you get through the week.
Two cousins being brought up together can be wonderful and gives them support for eachother throughout life.
Sending lots of strength and love and it really feels like it will work out well for you xx

How old is she? If she’s nursery age or school age then you can still work. I don’t have any nieces or nephews yet, but I’d become their guardian if anything happened to their parents. It would be different if you already had 3 children and didn’t have room for your niece.

So sorry for your loss OP.

It will be important for your to get advice because depending on what order you get, will also impact what financial support you are able to receive.

Kinship charity have a free advice line, they also have lots of free workshops which you can join in person or online. There is one on financial support.

Some organisations are also now offering kinship care leave (you can chat to Kinship about this too).

https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/training-and-events/

and if you want to know what’s available by your local authority you can check here:

https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/kinship-compass/

Your dc should be able to go to the same school as a 'sibling' even though they are strictly speaking cousins if they are living in the same house. I would though get DN into a school which is nearby and your dc might have got a place at anyway.

I think for the first few years you should try to enlist the grandparents in helping with drop off and pick up to school. Hopefully they will be able to continue when it is your dc too. Even if you have to drop her there on the way to nursery it is likely to be earlier than a childminder/ breakfast club. Maybe drop to four days but do not give up your job. You are vulnerable if not married, although hopefully your name is on the deeds of the house.

Things do get easier as they get older, 2 and 4 is probably the most challenging time.