Has anyone ever became a guardian of a child suddenly?

[lightlycultured]

If so, how did this affect your relationship? Likely to get guardianship of niece following sudden death of my sister. It has caused some resentment with partner already, particularly as we already have a child and only wanted one however no one could have anticipated this. Haven’t even had a chance to grieve with this looming over us.

@lightlycultured

Many years ago we nearly ended up with 4 additional children. I won't lie, it caused a lot of anxiety and stress at the time and a fair few rows. But the reality is we wouldn't have let the children go into care without trying to make it work first. Give your DP time. This is as much a shock for him as you. Plus he may be resenting the "expectation" placed on all of you rather than the actual decision. It is worth keeping talking about it.

What I would say is get yourselves proper support and negotiate with other family members what they can do up front to help out - e.g. school run etc, cook dinner for you all once a fortnight etc. And get your niece into local schools etc earlier rather than later. If this is to work long term, she needs to become part of your family and your routine (with flexibility so she can still see friends etc). Luckily she is young enough that she won't have deep, embedded friendships yet and - because she is still at primary school there will be lots of pastoral care at school.

Ask for adoption leave /parental leave from work for a bit and treat this (in a practical basis) as if you had chosen this and make sure you access the right benefits etc.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. It will feel incredibly daunting right now, but in 12 months time will be a very different situation.

So difficult for you all. I know my aunt would have taken me in if anything had happened as a child but you need all the support you can get and I'm not a specialist 🌺

Sorry for your loss, OP.

My advice is for further down the line assuming you go ahead. Once the initial shock is over and things settle down, its imperative your wider family don't treat the children differently and do little extras for the DN because of the original circumstances, as nasty as that sounds. The original circumstances should be left in the past. It will create huge resentment with your own DD, once she gets older and perceives what will look like favouritism. Wider family might not even be aware they are doing it, but you will need to police it like a hawk.

An example would be your DN having her special time with grandparents, but your own DD not having that special time of her own. They are the same grandparents.

I'm speaking as the blood child in a situation identical to the one you find yourself in now, just with more children involved and all a bit older. Yes, the circs are tragic but they must not be allowed to continue being tragic once the dust has settled. You will have two equal children, being brought up by loving parents so there is no need for family to continue feeling sorry for DN and trying to 'make it better'.

Sorry to be a bit brutal at this early stage, it's just something to put to one side for later on.

I wish you all the best x

I hope that you get the help you need Op & that other relatives step up as well.

Whilst they might not want the full time responsibility, if you will take that on then I hope they help with school runs, before & after school care & so on.

Perhaps obvious things like this need pointing out?

I’d do whatever you can to continue working - maybe take some special leave if necessary. You need your income if things don’t work out with your partner.
You say you’ll need to be in 3 places at once - I’d look to find support from others for nursery / school drop offs and over time get both children to the same school and routine.
i hope this works out for you all.

So sorry for your loss.

I haven’t read the full thread so don’t know if anyone has offered advice on this, but saw that you asked about Special Guardianship Orders (SGO).

It would be worth seeing if a solicitor can give you half an hour free legal advice, but I wouldn’t think you would need an SGO - an SGO would need the Local Authority to assess you to see if you are suitable, and the benefit is that it gives you parental responsibility above and beyond everyone else with parental responsibility, which I assume there isn’t anyone else given your sister’s death and your niece’s dad not having parental responsibility (you do need to double check he definitely doesn’t have it).

a Child Arrangement Order would give you parental responsibility without needing assessments etc.

If you were named in a will you will already have parental responsibility but I assume from your post that there wasn’t a will.

Best of luck.

Suggest you look into "family group decision makimg" if your local authority offers it. Also hs some other similar nanes

Social work facilitate a meeting to aid family to come up with a plan, and write it up

Even if, say, one person offers to take the child out once per month and another offers a sleepover every two months, it's not a lot of help, but valuable and more likely to happen if written into a plan

I know someone who took in her nephew. Various family members offered to help, but quickly drifted away

I also knew someone who was raised by his sister after his parents died. She did an amazing job and they were extremely close

So sorry for your loss.

Speak with SS about what help they can offer.
A relative of mine suddenly found herself taking on her grandchild who was only a toddler.
SS were fantastic and arranged for the child to attend nursery 3 full days a week.
Anything you will struggle with timings/drop offs etc definitely let them know.

@anon2022anon depending on how social services are involved your niece could be counted as having been in care, at which point you could jump the list for primary schools (I.e: send her to a primary near your other child's nursery/the school you'd like to send your younger child to).

If DN hasn't started primary yet, she isn't losing anything by starting at a different one.

Some schools have a sibling policy where children who live in the same house count as siblings, so DN going to your preferred school may help your little one get in too when the time comes. Just a fix that might help you retain your job and a doable school run

It could be worth checking with your company if they do adoption leave. I think statuary adoption leave excuses kinship adoption (which seems incredibly harsh in such tragic circumstances) but a lot of companies have policies better than the minimum.

That could give you some paid time off to sort out everything without loosing you carer and money.

It would be great if other family members could help out with the additional costs you will have but I’m not sure how you will broach that. Speak to your mum & dad about your concerns and see what they say.

Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup - you will need to look after yourself as well.

Don't give up your job especially not if you're worried how it will go with DH. He can help with logistics (probably the main reason he's not on board) or he can opt out of the whole relationship and pay for a childminder if he can't face a bit of parenting.

I have an acquaintance who became guardian to his cousin's son (I don't remember the details of how cousin died). The son was same age as my "friend's" own son. They've been raised together as brothers and are amazing. I don't know them well, but have admired them all from a distance. It's truly wonderful.
Best wishes to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. 💕

i think the worry about logistics is something that can be overcome- it is very common to have a 2 year age gap and one nursery and one in school.

You do all need to make a decision fairly quickly though so you can secure the rights school place for her if you need a different school to the one she’ll have been allocated. In some ways this point is easier than if she’d been in primary with friends. Wherever she starts, they’ll all be new. Assuming you are taking her, you’ll need to try and get her into your local primary so you’d have both girls in the same place. I’d have thought you’d need to have a fairly urgent chat with the council admissions team to work out if she’d count as a ‘looked after’ child for admissions purposes.

As others have suggested you need a family meeting to work out who is best placed to have her. It might be you but it might not. if the relatives in their 50s have more time and money to offer her, they might be better placed with support from you. Health considerations become important though. In my own family situation, my inlaws in their 60s would probably be best placed to taken on our children now if something happened to us but I don’t know how long that position would hold for. I think there is something about thinking about her needs at 4 and her needs at 16/18.

Of course you will, lots of people manage multiple kids and work. It'll feel like a shock to begin with but you'll soon get used to a new routine.

You do because he needs to be on the birth certificate in order to be required to pay child support. So there is something off here.

This is awful advice. One child lost their mother. You don’t prioritise the wellbeing of the child that didn’t in the way you’re describing here. What you do is ensure both children are loved and cared for in line with their circumstances.

You sound like a wonderful human. I haven’t read all the comments but just wanted to say that this is a time of real upheaval, you are dealing with both the practical and emotional consequences of losing your sister and the prospect of having an extra child in the household. Try not to be too harsh on your partner who might just need some extra time to think things through, and adjust to a life you both may not have chosen.
Seek out support. You are not alone and if social services are involved, lean on them and ask for support to be put in place. They are there to support families first and foremost, and will be able to help with your niece both emotionally and practically too. For example, they can help sort additional childcare, they could put some theraplay in place if needed.

Yes, your knowledge on the subject is off. He doesn’t need to be on the certificate.

So sorry you have lost your sister. I nearly became Special Guardian for a relative's child but fortunately he was placed back with one of his parents at the last minute.

My understanding is that special guardianship is the worst of both worlds - you don't have the full parental rights of an adopter, and you don't have the financial support of a foster carer. So my advice is to press social services on the terms under which you will take your DN especially as your partner has reservations. From what I read at the time I believe that if you push hard enough you can get financial support similar to a foster carer in this situation, which might help your partner feel better about it. You should also try to get a commitment from social services to support your DN with any counselling/SEN needs in the future which might crop up. The fostering/adoption boards would probably give you some useful help with this.

The point about not having exclusive parental responsibility under Special Guardianship is irrelevant in this scenario - no one else has parental rights either as dad isn’t on the birth certificate. Equally that does mean a child arrangements order should be “enough” for this child as someone just needs PR for her.

The distinction between SGO and adoption could be relevant in safeguarding cases - but a special guardian can override almost anything a birth parent disagrees to - off the top of my head I think the exclusions are a name change and a moving the child abroad.

In terms of being a family and friends foster carer - this places huge limitations on your family - regular social work visits, not holding PR, having to get permission from social care for all sorts of things. I’d think it’s probably only best for a very high-needs child where having professional support and oversight could open a lot of doors.

Don't give up work if you can keep it going op. The short term years of juggling childcare and school runs won't last forever and if you have a career you'd miss try and hold onto it.

The school and nursery being different places won't be for very long either. Eventually they would both be at the same local primary school.

You say niece is used to staying with other family members, I'd keep that going as it's what she is used to and will give you and your dp time to rest too.

Ask if any of them can do any before or after school care. Even if one grandparent says they can always do a Friday pick up for example it's one less logistical session for you to solve!

See if there is a good childminder at your local primary school. They're like gold dust but would be a massive help for you and a nice home from home type of childcare as well if you work full time.

I used a childminder for school runs until they were both at primary. Your LA may help with expenses. I’m not familiar with the system in England, but there should be support from your local Social Services for you as kinship carers, regardless of whether you qualify for a fostering allowance.

The kinship care team here can refer children for play therapy, arrange extended pre-school nursery hours, and give you names of local family solicitors experienced in residence orders, adoptions, etc. You may find that your DN come under the umbrella term of “care-experienced”. This is simply because she is not in the care of her parents. It can open up more support for you in the future, with progress reports and care plans both in pre-school setting and later in school.

I can fully understand why this is hard for your DH, and it saddens me to read the harsh responses. We have never regretted taking in our dgc, never even for a moment. But it changes relationships and plans for the future in ways that are sometimes completely unforeseen. It’s important to acknowledge negative emotions to each other as pp described.

I have support from outside the extended family, from nursery, school, from kinship care group with links to other organisations, Barnardo’s as the dgc get older.

Personally, I would get as much support as possible from SS, schools, etc, and then call on extended family to plug the gaps. Make keeping your job one of your top priorities.

I wish you all the best

I can understand your partners reluctance, suddenly his happy family is being altered and he's not had a say in it. Hopefully once the shock passes he'll come to terms with the situation. It's not as if anyone set out to cause this.

Op if you do take this on - and, being totally honest, you do sound like the right person for the child - I would not be at all afraid when doing so to be very clear about what help you will need from the other relatives.

Now is the time to establish that.

Logistics are one of the trickiest things in a busy family. Would having one relative to do after school pick up help for instance? Think what you would want/need and please don’t be afraid to ask. Taking in a child is an enormous ( though wonderful) thing to do and you don’t need to feel bad about asking for the help you will need to make it work.

I hope so much for the little girl’s sake it does work out. However, how does your Dc feel? Obviously it isn’t their decision but I do think you need to gauge a response. Oops ETA I just scrolled through your posts again and see your Dc is a bit young to ask. That’s probably a good thing! I think children probably “resent” an older “sibling” they look up to less than a younger.

I was that child. Aged 9. Lost my entire family in an accident.
Please make that child feel loved and wanted. If you can't do that then find somebody who can.