Has anyone ever became a guardian of a child suddenly?

[lightlycultured]

If so, how did this affect your relationship? Likely to get guardianship of niece following sudden death of my sister. It has caused some resentment with partner already, particularly as we already have a child and only wanted one however no one could have anticipated this. Haven’t even had a chance to grieve with this looming over us.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your niece is lucky to have you. I hope things work out.

Childminders do school and nursery drop offs, nice continuity for young children, choose carefully and it'll be fine. I was given a list of local childminders by ss and visited all of them, small town. I found it easy to choose. Strict rules about how many children they can care for, I chose one who decided not to go for the maximum she was allowed.

Very sorry for your loss

i think your dp is in shock, I hope he wil come round

totally reasonable to ask extended family to help contribute financially and practically

I am shocked there is not more support available to help people in this situation which although rare is a very very difficult one for all concerned

Goodness OP what a hard situation you are in and you must be grieving so heavily and worried about your DN and your own DC.
I thought the post from the poster with experience who talked about “the ideal thing” and “the next best thing” was so prescient and helpful.
You will be in a maelstrom of emotions but you need a v clear head now to make life easier in future.
Do not let other family members railroad the conversation. They are doing this for selfish reasons. Stand firm. Say, “I will make my decision and speak to you all about this when DP and I have agreed”. Use DP’s reluctance to your advantage.
This is a massive ask and although you would do it in a heartbeat, it will be easier in every way if you put rules/ help in now (even if you never need them).
First secure your own future by ensuring you have 50/50 split of assets if you ever separate. Oxygen masks on first etc. (You should be aware and doing this in any case for your own DD’s sake)
Then sit down with DP and discuss EVERYTHING. How he feels. How you feel. What practical and financial resources you need to make this new arrangement work for all of you including DN.
Write it all down, including DN’s future counselling needs.
Everything you can think of for the long term. Decide how much practical support, respite care of the DCs, wrap around care etc, you will need to keep the family working together.
Do not countenance giving up your career. That is non-negotiable. Write down every resource you need to keep both of you FT employed. (Even if one or both of you decide to go PT at some point)
If you decide to leave work that has to be your decision but you must not be forced into it through lack of help.
Decide on what help you need in the holidays and build in time for your own relationship. I.e both girls go to GPs for one week of summer hols each year. DN goes to relatives one weekend a month to build her wider family bonds and give your DC time with her parents. Again you may not always want to utilise it but you need all these agreements in place now.
Once you and DP have worked out what you need to make this as stress-free and happy for all four of you as possible, call a meeting of the wider family.
Set out the resources -financial and practical-that will allow you to look after DN as comfortably as possible given the circumstances. Divvy them up. Do not leave until you have all agreements in place.
DN is the whole family’s responsibility. You are stepping up and doing the lion’s share. But you and your sister presumably have DPs alive. They have responsibilities too. Make this clear. If they cannot contribute practically with care, they need to contribute financially to let you buy in help. Not just child care but a cleaner etc.
Hammer out weekends and holiday respite too. Get agreements as to who is exactly doing what. Get it in writing and give everyone a copy. Set a date for another family meeting some months down the line to review the situation where everyone can have a say.
Look at everything you can do to make it easier for yourselves. Could DN stay at nursery with your DD for another year? She may not be ready for school so soon after the loss of her mother. One year later may benefit her and you.
Use any levers you have to get both girls into the same school. You say your employer has no flexibility but this is an extreme case and I’d be asking for statutory adoption leave to settle DN in. I really would make it clear that you need your employer to step up and help you do this. DP must do the same with his. Involve the in-laws. They may have no responsibility to DN but they can support DP, DD and you through this with help and care.
It’s an amazing thing you are doing. But it’s a hard thing. Be strong and tough now so you can be gentle and loving going forward. Look after yourself. Build in date nights and time for just you and friends.
it’s a bit naff but it might help to think of yourself as the CEO of your family. This is a time of great change for the family and you need to put the resources and help in place to keep it running smoothly. Good luck. X

Sorry for your loss 💐

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your niece and their loss.

personally no, but I do know of someone who has but under different circumstances, they were single and 49.
they had some help from social services with things like (council run) childcare before they started school as adult had to work ft.

honestly it has not been easy and she has remained single, but she found a way and although often very exhausting it is also rewarding.

whatever school they attend, ensure they have regular ELSA sessions who will have trained people to support them in Prinary and Secondary. In Secondary look for schools who have the best support (ELSA / Bereavement etc) as hormones etc this can be the time that their anxiety / frustration can surface. Take all the support you can. Often Secondary schools have Parent Bereavement sessions. Brief the schools in full, they really do put a lot more emphasis on mental health now, albeit can be a national lottery how much the schools have available.

Starting early will help a lot.

I hope your niece will be ok too, wishing you all the best.

Tbh I can easily see how it could happen if becoming her guardian could mean long term hardship for your family. Like if your house isn’t really big enough and you can’t afford to move, or if there is a big age gap between your existing children and the niece, so you’re faced with having to be a hands on parent for much longer than you had anticipated.

I am so sorry you lost your sister. 💐💔

I think the rest of your family really needs to step up now to make this possible. Don't even think of giving up your job. Tell your extended family about to make this happen you have to have help with school times, either practical help or financial help.

A go fund me page for £500, 000??

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, this was in reply to a poster who suggested this. Apologies for this. I've just read your original post. I wish you the very best of luck. You are a very kind, caring person and whatever lies ahead your wee niece is lucky you are her aunt. 💚

Ridiculous comment

A previous poster made this suggestion, I was querying it!!

Yes, sorry @ForeverLoveCeltic, I was agreeing with your bafflement. It was @lightlycultured I think

What was me? I didn't suggest a go fund me.