Has anyone ever became a guardian of a child suddenly?

[lightlycultured]

If so, how did this affect your relationship? Likely to get guardianship of niece following sudden death of my sister. It has caused some resentment with partner already, particularly as we already have a child and only wanted one however no one could have anticipated this. Haven’t even had a chance to grieve with this looming over us.

I work in this area- OP when you feel up to it, make contact with children's services again and explain you need support. Without it, tell them the chances are high that your DN could come into the care of the LA (even if you know she won't). Explain you would like to care for your DN but have reservations due to limited support. They should assess you and DP to be her Special Guardians and get means tested financial support through an SGO support plan. You get the child element of fostering allowances whilst the assessment is being undertaken. An assessment would be completed and then presented at a panel to approve you before going to court for the formal order to be granted. Ensure the Support Plan fully meets your needs and ask for more support if you need it (extra financial support for wrap around care etc).

If your DP has some concerns, it's better this is fully explored now rather than she moves in and she isn't fully accepted as part of the family by him.

Request a Family Group Conference so all relatives get together and can formally have a Family Plan on how you will be supported by them on an ongoing basis. Also ask for support specifically for your DN in the form of counselling.

You could also explore adoption and for this you can get some financial assistance initially (settling in grant) and can also get adoption leave. You would need to be assessed for suitability for adoption.

Both SGO and Adoption are the least intrusive of orders and won't need ongoing social work visits etc once granted. They both however take time to get into place roughly 6 months to a year depending on your Local Authority. For now though, look after yourself.

Wishing you all the best. Your DN and DC are very lucky to have you.

If death in service benefits exist through an employer I think it might be that these go straight to the beneficiary - bypassing the estate- and so wouldn’t need to be used to pay off the debts of the estate. If relevant, do please take advice on that.

Wanted to say the same thing.

To those saying they’re shocked at op’s partners response…

A grandparent who cares for their grandchild recently described it to me as like they are grieving the retirement they thought they’d have. Whilst they wouldn’t see their grandchildren anywhere else - it certainly isn’t how they planned for their lives to turn out, and it’s reasonable I think that it takes people time to come to terms with that, and to feel a loss for what they had planned and looked forward to. That doesn’t make them bad people.

It is a big upheaval, especially as the children are so young and also the fact the niece is older than the daughter.

In standard adoption the adopted child has to be younger than birth children for a reason (to do with not upsetting order in the household, and the adoptee is likely to be needing more attention so an older child will cope better).

I think the OP needs to be asking wider family for support, not just for the niece but their whole family unit. They are all going to be impacted and need help adjusting from an emotional and practical and financial point of view.

TwinklyOpalShark Me too! Dad died when I was 8 ,suddenly in the night. This was early 70s .No counselling then at all. DM and DGP didnt like talking about it as I would "get upset" apparently! I know what you mean by screwing up your life ,I think about him most days and how much he missed .GDC,my wedding. DD graduation ,and upcoming wedding this Summer .I feel like a shadow still hangs over me or as someone else said a tail behind me

That’s really interesting. I had kind of assumed a younger child might find it easier as they tend to look up to older children.

You do need to have the relationship chat and long term commitment chat. I know posters keep saying DH but he's not- he's a DP and the reality is that does make a difference for you. Please don't overlook this- your relationship stability is key to making it work.

OP, I don't have any advice, but I am a mum in my 30s.
If anything happened to me, knowing my child would be cared for by their aunt is all I could hope for. I know she'd fight through fire for my child.
What you are doing is incredible. Thinking of you.

I am sorry for your loss OP. No personal experience. Not sure if it has been mentioned, but you could look into being a kinship caree for your niece. I think then you might get more support from the council, but not sure what it would entail on either side. Could you in the short time take some leave from work for personal reasons (carers leave or even potentially sick leave as you are bereaved), and then look into wrap round care options for your niece and primary school. It sounds like giving up work might not be in your best interests (unless you want to of course). Ask around for local childminders too. Good luck.

So sorry for your loss, OP. The most rewarding thing I ever did, was very worried at first. She was 6, a lovely cousin, and totally part of the family from the get go. I already had 3 children, 2 bits,1 girl. Courage!

No advice but I’m so very sorry for your loss. It would break me if I lost my sister, to then have to take in a mourning child must be beyond difficult. I hope you both find love and support through this horrible time xx

Yes, lots of people will have. But what an incredibly unhelpful attitude from your partner, sorry but he sounds a dick. Has she inherited much money, maybe that will make him feel better!

Gosh your LA is generous to give part fostering allowance in this circumstance.

Where I work the LA wouldn't give any financial support pre order unless child is placed with relative as a looked after child.

Furthermore as this would be OP notifying the LA of intention to apply for SGO there isn't any panel for them to attend. The LA is providing an assessment for when the OPs application gets to court. Once OP notifies the LA they're going to apply for SGO you have 13 weeks then OP can do court application. It isn't a 26 week PLO timescale.

I feel you're maybe mixing public and private law processes although obvs SGO is same section 8 Order.

So sad you lost your sister, and a little girl her mum your niece is lucky to have an aunty who will love her and bring her up.
Could other family members help with childcare while you take your niece on permanently .

The Family Rights Group are a charity that works to support Kinship Carers. They have a helpline.

www.frg.org.uk

They are great!

How awful @BlossomIsSoPretty. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family. I hope that you were cared for lovingly.

Look into kinship care rather than special guardianship. Explain to ss that you will not be able to support both children without the additional support offered to kinship carers. This pays a fostering allowance which would be able to pay for some wrap around care or a childminder to drop off and collect from school.
Sorry for your loss x

Yes, sort of. We have guardianship of a granddaughter. My DD1 died when DGG was only a few months old, and DD2 and her DH took in the older boy (who has special needs). At that time my (youngest) DD3, still lived at home with us, and offered to take DGG, but as it was our home, DH & I were considered the main carers. As this was all done officially, thru social services, we were able to get an agreement that if we took on guardianship, SS would pay me the going rate for fostering, on the grounds that I needed the money to pay nursery fees so that I could continue to work. They were just glad to have a "simple" (for them) solution readily available. DGG is now a teenager, and we love her to bits. Her older brother is still with DD2 and her family. They did not go the Special Guardianship route, but stayed as foster carers, for which they were paid an allowance. We would all have stepped in regardless of the payments, but it did help with having to make adjustments to work, and having the time to give to the DGC without cutting back on our own lives. DD3 now lives about 25 miles away, but is a very hands on Auntie and helps us a lot. Not sure I've explained this well, but... When people inevitably say "I don't know how you do it", well we love her and we just couldn't have let either her or her brother go into care, so we took each day as it came, and made it work.

Meant 2 boys, 1 girl

It had happened to Diane-Louise Jordan. I think it happened when she was a presenter on Blue Peter.

It happened to a friend. Not the same circumstances because her little nephew's mother was then still alive, but too addled with addiction and mh problems to care for him. He was five when the arrangement was made, and eight when the bereavement finally happened. My friend was child free by choice and led quite a bohemian lifestyle so the change for all was hard. The relationship she was in also ended because the man wasn't up for parenting in general, never mind someone else's small child with trauma and corresponding behavioural issues.
However- having to get herself into a 'proper' job to look after the child did wonders in the end. The nephew is about 16 now and doing very well. There wasn't financial help except from the child's paternal grandparents (his dad was also an addict who died early)- is that a channel open to you?

I did, after my dad died. My 12 year old brother came to live with us. We were also a 1 child family. My (now ex) husband was supportive. It was very difficult financially. It was emotionally difficult for us all. Then there's the behavioural issues we faced with my brother. We lost our mum when he was 4 years old and then our dad. I had help from extended family and friends.
That doesn't necessarily mean you will face the same issues, a supportive partner is a must tbh.

I'm so soon for your loss and I truly hope everything works out really well.

This has been on my mind recently as we are amending our wills and have just spoken to my sister about her and her husband becoming guardians for our girls should the worst happen.

I am assuming no similar discussion was had with you and your hubby? Whilst I initially was really sad and cross at your hubby's reaction, he may be feeling protective of your own child, thinking it may negatively impact their life as less time and money for her. Or shocked if it wasn't discussed. So maybe reassurance is needed over how it could work.

On that basis, there are a lot of benefits to having a sibling (which this would be similar to). Maybe highlight these.

More practically, you mentioned it being hard as lo in nursery and niece starting school. A lot of primary schools have preschools attached, so from the age of your lo turning 3, you could have one trip as opposed to 2 seperate trips to nursery and school. If parents (from either side) are around, I'm sure they will be understanding if spoken too and could help too with school drop offs and pick ups to support this arrangement.

Again, also on a purely practical note, I assume you would have some financial support for taking on your niece as everything would be left for you or her (sale of cars, house etc) and parents would want to support.

I am so sorry for the loss. But I am sure your sister would be grateful and proud of you for stepping in. This love between you demonstrates one of those sibling benefits I mentioned xxx

I was in a very similar position to you. My DH were agreed on the decision though. As much as we thought it was the right thing to do or a good thing to do it was VERY difficult.

Initially the child mixed okay with my child but as time went on my child struggled with the amount of time I had to spend sorting out stuff for the other. My child lost half of her mum effectively. The other child had 1.5 mums in her eyes.

It was exhausting. I had to give up work, as I was sorting out probate, parental responsibility court proceedings, our own grief whilst trying to help the children adapt. It nearly cost us our marriage during the teenage years and now we have a NC relationship with our relative. Think very carefully. Especially as you and your DP are not on the same page. He will blame you when things go wrong. Which they will.