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Original poster

So... I ruined my son's day out

246 replies

MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 07:55

Long story short: My teenage son went to the cinema with friends today (it's school holidays where we live). He has a bank account that's attached to mine. I checked it early this morning, saw that he had plenty of money in it, figured he would be fine.

What I didn't realise, however, was that his account has a weekly spend limit as a default setting. I, as his parent, have to manually change this limit online. I didn't know this. My son's card was declined and he missed out on seeing the film with his friends. He is now home, understandably upset with me, and I feel like the world's shittest mother. I feel like I'm always double and triple checking everything to do with my kids, and I just can't believe I was dumb enough to overlook this.

If you want to kick me while I'm down, then... bring it on, I guess. I feel I deserve it.

If you can commiserate with a story about a time your felt you failed your child, please share. It might help me to feel less shit.

OP posts:
DataColour · 15/04/2025 09:54

CountFucula · 15/04/2025 08:22

Is this HyperJar ? They are a bloody pain for this.

it’s happened to my teens and I got the blame for it too. Not my fault, one of those things. Not your fault either!!!!

Hyperjar!

My 14yr DD had a similar thing. She went shopping with a friend for new clothes as she's shot up so much recently that she only had one pair of bottoms left she could wear so was desperate for new clothes. but her hyperjar card got declined because of having to be validated for extra spending and she couldn't call because her sim card was being changed over that day to a new plan etc etc so you can imagine her mood when she got home!

TheaBrandt1 · 15/04/2025 09:54

One of mine at 13-14 developed a worrying “kindness of strangers” theory if she got into any sort of confusion she just asked a kind looking random! All sorts of people would help her out on trains / buses in this sort of scenario!

BobbyBiscuits · 15/04/2025 09:57

So he spent all his money on snacks, before he bought the movie tickets? Then it's partly his own responsibility. The only thing you could've done better is just pay for the tickets over the phone when he rang you. It's really not the end of the world. Just say you gave him cash, and he lost it?! I know teens do stuff like that all the time. It's just a tiny bit unfortunate but blame the bank, not yourself.

Lilactimes · 15/04/2025 09:57

MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 07:55

Long story short: My teenage son went to the cinema with friends today (it's school holidays where we live). He has a bank account that's attached to mine. I checked it early this morning, saw that he had plenty of money in it, figured he would be fine.

What I didn't realise, however, was that his account has a weekly spend limit as a default setting. I, as his parent, have to manually change this limit online. I didn't know this. My son's card was declined and he missed out on seeing the film with his friends. He is now home, understandably upset with me, and I feel like the world's shittest mother. I feel like I'm always double and triple checking everything to do with my kids, and I just can't believe I was dumb enough to overlook this.

If you want to kick me while I'm down, then... bring it on, I guess. I feel I deserve it.

If you can commiserate with a story about a time your felt you failed your child, please share. It might help me to feel less shit.

I have done this before.
it’s good to have a weekly spending limit.
you can however override it on Go Henry immediately. Or if you’d known, maybe bought the ticket and he could have collected it at the cinema.
im sure there were many ways you could have fixed it - IF you had known in time!!!
He needed to let you know!!
Hopefully a big learning curve for him re communication. X

MarkWithaC · 15/04/2025 09:59

valentinka31 · 15/04/2025 09:49

I say my kids must always have at least £20 cash on them.

Not your fault, you tried, he should have called you bless him.

He did call her Hmm

101Nutella · 15/04/2025 09:59

I don’t think you need to punish yourself or feel bad. Life is just obstacle after obstacle and we all navigate ourselves round then.

i do think you need to teach him the life skills to be a bit more resilient to think of other options in the face of adversity. Rather than panic go home. Perhaps now he will carry an emergency tenner around with him etc.

we are learn through trial and error; it looks like today was a learning experience for him.

Humpsr · 15/04/2025 10:00

You have my sympathy.
Upsetting but he will get over it.

How about inviting the kids to yours to hang out and have pizza?

Helen483 · 15/04/2025 10:01

The thing that stands out for me here is:

  • your son is upset with you ... why? It wasn't your fault
  • you are also blaming yourself ... you need to stop that straight away

This is a life lesson for your son about being prepared for setbacks and being resilient/resourceful in dealing with them.
You do him no favours if you let him take the attitude that someone else is to blame every time something goes wrong.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 15/04/2025 10:04

No matter how hard we try, we always like shit parents at one time ir another.
When my ds was going for a week long p7 trip away, a pair if my knickers got attached to the velcro on his trainers, you can imagine the horror when he unpacked in the dorm....
I still feel bad 20yrs later 😪😂

Lilactimes · 15/04/2025 10:08

Lilactimes · 15/04/2025 09:57

I have done this before.
it’s good to have a weekly spending limit.
you can however override it on Go Henry immediately. Or if you’d known, maybe bought the ticket and he could have collected it at the cinema.
im sure there were many ways you could have fixed it - IF you had known in time!!!
He needed to let you know!!
Hopefully a big learning curve for him re communication. X

Show quote history

Sorry - just read all your posts and he did call you… You’re still not a shit mum!! You’re fallible and you sound lovely and caring.
feel for your son, but he will def learn a lesson from this and will always check from now on or ask you to adjust his limit before trips or holidays xx

Sparxdislike · 15/04/2025 10:09

Me and my friends always pre book cinema tickets so this doesn't happen. Normally just book a group and then send the money over. Tricky if you don't know the parents.

I would suggest next time he buys the ticket first and this is a bit of a life lesson for him. I have a limit on my son's card. More incase he loses it and someone goes on a spending spree. You did everything you could. He did ring you which is the right thing to do. It's a shame it happened but it won't happen again.

I would have hoped a friend would have paid for his ticket but maybe they didn't have the funds?

skyeisthelimit · 15/04/2025 10:11

It was sad for him and it is a shame that his friends went in without him but they probably thought that he would get it sorted. It is a good idea to go through all the various possibilities with him. You could have booked a seat online possibly as well. We always book in advance due to the cinema being a 40 mile round trip.

Can you pay for his friends to see it again with him?

At 13, he is old enough for a proper bank account with a debit card. DD opened an account with Santander when she was that age.

We also use Revolut. I have an account with them and she has a Junior card. It costs £5 but sometimes there is a promotion for a free card. I can then top that up instantly from my phone.

I have never paid fees for an account to manage money.

DD mostly uses Apple pay but also always carries her debit card and £20 cash minimum. I have taught her that it is best to be prepared for all eventualities. We live in a rural area and it's not unusual for power cuts or card machines to stop working. Also if her phone dies then she can't use Apply pay.

NameChangedOfc · 15/04/2025 10:15

Youaremythtaken · 15/04/2025 07:59

Why would you deserve a kicking over that?
It's obviously something that's easy to overlook.
Its disappointing for him of course but not the end of the world..now you both know to check this before he goes on a day out. No big deal.

This

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/04/2025 10:16

It's a life lesson but at 13 a hard one, as at that age it's not so much about the film it's the experience with his mates. Especially with Minecraft, apparently it's quite audience participation heavy. At that age, if things got sorted but I couldn't sit with my friends I'd probably come home upset too, because I'd feel ostracised and in my teenage hormone riddled mind it would be ruined! Ruined I tell you! 😂

They don't have that mindset yet of solution thinking, (so someone covering him for a ticket), just blind panic!

Anyway, I imagine it's the sort of film they'll want to see again and again. If you can afford it maybe get him to pick a friend or two and cover the tickets for them to go again? It's not what some people would do, they'd probably see it as a "teachable moment" or that the OPs son should just get over it, but it's what I would do.

Plus - that way you don't have to take him to see it as a family. Think of it as donating your ticket, so you don't have to sit through it yourself!

Snugglemonkey · 15/04/2025 10:17

yomellamoHelly · 15/04/2025 09:05

It sounds like he could have done it if he'd bought the cinema tickets first. Maybe this'll teach him to prioritise the order of his spending (which I would say alot of people have to do).

I thought that too. Useful life skill.

Laidir87 · 15/04/2025 10:18

This is why I always use cash.

LongDistanceClara44 · 15/04/2025 10:26

No one did anything wrong, 13 can still be very young for problem solving and knowing what is the right thing to do. I always think disappointment is the toughest emotion to deal with at any age. He'll get over it, just needs time and distraction.

Rhaidimiddim · 15/04/2025 10:28

He needs better friends. Could none of them loaned him the money?

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/04/2025 10:28

Don't beat yourself up, you didn't realise. This is a chance to teach flexible problem solving. It's a common problem that a payment method fails for one reason or another, especially when travelling abroad.

As a child his only solution is to call mum. As he grows into an adult he can learn:

  • think in advance, take a backup way of paying in an emergency.
  • learn to ask for help, when appropriate, from those around you,
  • deal with disappointment when a plan goes wrong through no-one's fault.
Original poster
MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 10:29

It is a real bank account, and he was using a debit card. It’s an “youth” account in his name, but set up so that I can also access and manage it.

I’ve heard very little about Revolut. I think it exists in my country, but I only heard about it on my last trip to the UK.

Thanks to those who replied. Many of you have been helpful in one way or another and I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
QuickPeachPoet · 15/04/2025 10:40

Some friends he has! Swanning in and carrying on with their plans and leaving him outside. I would be furious if I was one of their mothers. Mine are too young to be out alone yet, but when they are old enough, I will be reinforcing the stick together rule. They should have waited with him until the problem was resolved or left the cinema.

sprigatito · 15/04/2025 10:46

Learning to survive small disappointments is a vital part of growing up. I would be sympathetic, and would apologise once for not noticing, but I wouldn’t be self-flagellating over it and I wouldn’t tolerate protracted sulking. It’s a trip to the cinema, not the holiday of a lifetime. He’ll get over it.

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 10:49

Hwi · 15/04/2025 09:45

He has shitty friends - what, they did not trust him to pay them back for a shitty ticket? It is an excellent lesson for him - my dc's friends (and it goes both ways) would have lent this pathetic amount of money without question.

Every post of yours just makes you look lovelier and lovelier 🌺

lessglittermoremud · 15/04/2025 10:50

Similar has happened to us but I got a text message to say his card had been declined so I went straight on the app and managed to sort it out in minutes. We use Go Henry here for both our oldest children, it’s not free but I find it really user friendly. Lots of people use HyperJar locally but I never really got to grips with it (but I think it was a me problem rather then anything else).
Its such an easy mistake to make, I set up the spending limits when they got their cards and forgot to up it as they got older and more independent.
Ive now removed the limits because I expect them to manage their own money and they can move their own money between their savings and normal spending. If they spend it all then it’s tough, we did the emergency £10 in the back of a phone case, which was spent on non emergency stuff so I haven’t replaced it.
Im sure the embarrassment will make him quiet for a little bit, but sometimes stuff goes wrong, even for grown ups and we can only try our best.

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2025 10:54

Doesn’t he know the limit and didn’t he check it? And really couldn’t any of his friends loaned him the money? Not sure why it’s your fault.

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