So... I ruined my son's day out

[MeanWeedratStew]

Long story short: My teenage son went to the cinema with friends today (it's school holidays where we live). He has a bank account that's attached to mine. I checked it early this morning, saw that he had plenty of money in it, figured he would be fine.

What I didn't realise, however, was that his account has a weekly spend limit as a default setting. I, as his parent, have to manually change this limit online. I didn't know this. My son's card was declined and he missed out on seeing the film with his friends. He is now home, understandably upset with me, and I feel like the world's shittest mother. I feel like I'm always double and triple checking everything to do with my kids, and I just can't believe I was dumb enough to overlook this.

If you want to kick me while I'm down, then... bring it on, I guess. I feel I deserve it.

If you can commiserate with a story about a time your felt you failed your child, please share. It might help me to feel less shit.

That’s fair enough.

Still, I guess I was always one of the friends who wouldn’t just leavd another behind. Not in a million years would I have just bought my ticket and gone in knowing there was a problem.

But that’s just me I guess.

Ah, that's a real shame for him but I think you're a great mum for facilitating his independence, this plus resilience are important things to learn. Better to learn at 13 than later in life when the stakes are potentially higher.

It might be worth discussing with him that the staff could have maybe refunded a couple of his friends' tickets and re-issued them with different seats so that they could sit in 2 groups. 13 year olds probably wouldn't think to ask for this, or have the confidence but that could have sorted the issue. Sometimes kids need to learn to ask staff to assist them. (Shame the staff didn't suggest this but then maybe they didn't understand the issue).

I'm trying to think of a similar situation I have been in but can't at the mo - there have DEFINITELY been several!! Its rubbish but you'll both get over it.

Just because something upsetting happened , it doesn't make it your fault or your responsibility.
Empathise with him, but please don't take it on as something you should feel bad about. Youre not a mind-reader

As the mum of a 13 year old boy I can see how this has happened. They are just getting used to going out on their own and don’t always think things through. I do think next time just get him to ask if a friend can buy and he’ll pay it back. My son and his friends often seem to end up doing this for each other for various reasons. Hope he gets over the disappointment. Maybe if he has other friends who haven’t seen the film he could try again another day?

Such a shame, but nobody's fault. It's a lesson's learned and hopefully they all know to sub a friend in a situation like this, in future.

I put an emergency £10 at the back of the phone for my DC for emergencies/plan B if a card isn't recognised for example. The originals are still there but they always have a back up for a small purchase if needed.

Honestly it sounds like just one of those things. I agree it’s rubbish of his friends to go in without him.

@spicemaiden he fits in well and has a lovely group of friends, but a few years ago it was a different story and I think I still worry a lot because of that.

I think it's a good opportunity for him to learn about asking for a friend to pay for his ticket and tell them that of course he will pay it back as soon as possible.

It's also a good opportunity for his friends to learn to offer to pay for someone and communicate that it's a loan until they're able to repay it. I'm kind of surprised that none of these friends stepped up to do that; I guess none of their parens have talked about or modelled that kind of help to them. Which seems a pity.

It wasn’t something you did wrong, you were both using a new piece of tech and learning as you go. Not a mistake on your part but a process. Now he knows to check his limit, you know how to change it and he also knows to ask you to change it. I also think he will have learnt to prioritise spending as when he’s a bit older sometimes money leaves your account at random times eg phone bill so always buy your essentials first when you’re on a budget. And at the cinema when it’s busy buy your tickets first before they sell out!

OP why not sit home down later, say it’s such a shame what happened at the cinema, what can we do to make sure next time everything goes to plan - and think of some back up plans/planning ahead for next time.

Ha - apologies! People commenting without reading all the OP’s updates is something that really gets on my tits, so absolutely fair call. I’ll try not to let the door hit my arse on the way out 😂

Could you arrange for him to go with one of his mates (they might not mind seeing it again), your treat?

Life has disapointments, he will get over it. Don't feel too bad.
My 7 year old has been performative crying on the floor for the last 15 minutes becuase he made his bed and the bed sheet is uneven.

Ah that's a shame. Bloody overly complex banking system at fault not you. What a shit feature. What happens if a teenager needs to access some emergency funds?

Don't friends just lend their mates money anymore? Unless they're really counting pennies I understand,but if not that was a bit mean of them

Don't beat yourself up. At 13 I doubt the kids would have thought to sub - at 16 they would. Upsetting for him for sure, but these things happen. He's allowed to be upset and embarrassed - that's normal...as long as it doesn't last too long!

Hopefully he's learned a valuable lesson; don't buy snacks in the cinema.

His card could get declined for a lot of different reasons, though. So also, always have a backup, when things are important to you.

One of my friends at 13 was running a loan sharking business in school.

Could he be embarrassed as his card has a limit and not really a cool thing for a 13 year old? My 18 year old DS couldn’t pay for a pint the other day as his has a 13-19 bank account and they can ban the sale of alcohol (only happened in this pub though). Luckily I was there too but had he been in a night out he would have to figure out plan b. Now we need to get him an emergency Revolut beer fund account 😂.

I kind of gif that feeling there was more to this.
Bless him.

I understand why he was flummoxed when it didn’t work but don’t understand when he phoned you why you didn’t just pay over the phone from your account rather than messing about trying to raise the limit on his card. You know how bank payments work so could have easily sorted this, you do bear some of the responsibility rather than the other 13yr olds that PP are keen to say should have covered your son. Other PP’s are obviously nicer than me not to point that out.

Aw don't be too hard on yourself. These type of things happen sometimes to us all. I've done it with DC's lunch card at school (ie not being topped up) - I felt terrible then, but these things pass and get forgotten.

I suspect your kid and my kid have the same account. I have 3 degrees in IT and it still took me an age to work out WTF was wrong with the account. My kid nearly couldn't top up his transport card! They don't make it easy...

He has shitty friends - what, they did not trust him to pay them back for a shitty ticket? It is an excellent lesson for him - my dc's friends (and it goes both ways) would have lent this pathetic amount of money without question.

If he never encountered minor problems and disappointments because Mummy literally thought of everything every time then he’d be unprepared for adult life. In real adult life occasionally minor problems occur like a cancelled train or a stolen wallet and sometimes people make minor screw ups like messing up a bank account limit. Learning to deal with these situations and also to extend grace to others who might accidentally make a minor mistake is all part of him growing up - he’ll be fine and he’ll handle the next situation a bit better having learnt from this one.

I say my kids must always have at least £20 cash on them.

Not your fault, you tried, he should have called you bless him.