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Original poster

So... I ruined my son's day out

246 replies

MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 07:55

Long story short: My teenage son went to the cinema with friends today (it's school holidays where we live). He has a bank account that's attached to mine. I checked it early this morning, saw that he had plenty of money in it, figured he would be fine.

What I didn't realise, however, was that his account has a weekly spend limit as a default setting. I, as his parent, have to manually change this limit online. I didn't know this. My son's card was declined and he missed out on seeing the film with his friends. He is now home, understandably upset with me, and I feel like the world's shittest mother. I feel like I'm always double and triple checking everything to do with my kids, and I just can't believe I was dumb enough to overlook this.

If you want to kick me while I'm down, then... bring it on, I guess. I feel I deserve it.

If you can commiserate with a story about a time your felt you failed your child, please share. It might help me to feel less shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 08:15

Also, he's not being awful to me. He's just gone very quiet and withdrawn, as they do.

OP posts:
Youaremythtaken · 15/04/2025 08:16

MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 08:14

He's 13. Going out with friends is still a bit new to him. I know there are things he could have done, but this was a new situation for him.

I don't know why his friends didn't sub him, but I know he would never ask. To be fair to his friends, I think, like him, they just didn't know what to do.

As to why I didn't pay over the phone - it honestly didn't occur to me. I was so absorbed in trying to change the card settings online.

I can absolutely see how it could happen. I don't think a group of 13 year old boys would necessarily think to sub - or even have the money readily accessible to do it.

Just make some contingencies for next time.

TropicofCapricorn · 15/04/2025 08:17

MeanWeedratStew · 15/04/2025 08:03

I wasn't aware of the spend limit, so he definitely wasn't. He's only had the account for a few months and has used it a couple of times for small spends. I usually give him cash when he goes out but I didn't today (regretting that now). He'd already spent over the limit on snacks when he went to buy his ticket and the card was declined.

He did ring me when his card was declined. I then went online and spent a panicked few minutes trying to figure out how to change the card settings. By the time I'd sorted it, all the seats near his mates had filled up (popular movie) and he just wanted to come home.

Can't believe they left him!

Summertimeblahness · 15/04/2025 08:19

Surely it’s a good lesson for him not to overspend on snacks if he wants to go to the cinema. Isn’t the whole point to teach budgeting?
This is on him, not you.

1apenny2apenny · 15/04/2025 08:20

You need to nip in the bud ‘he upset with me’. I do think one of the reasons young people are struggling is that they just blame everyone else when things go wrong and they get away with it.

If he’s going out it is his responsibility to ensure he is organised. If he wants he can run things past you to check he has everything he needs etc, but make him responsible.

Hes 13 not 5.

CountFucula · 15/04/2025 08:22

Is this HyperJar ? They are a bloody pain for this.

it’s happened to my teens and I got the blame for it too. Not my fault, one of those things. Not your fault either!!!!

faerietales · 15/04/2025 08:22

Summertimeblahness · 15/04/2025 08:19

Surely it’s a good lesson for him not to overspend on snacks if he wants to go to the cinema. Isn’t the whole point to teach budgeting?
This is on him, not you.

He had enough money - he just didn’t realise there was a spend limit.

Irritateddaily · 15/04/2025 08:22

1apenny2apenny · 15/04/2025 08:20

You need to nip in the bud ‘he upset with me’. I do think one of the reasons young people are struggling is that they just blame everyone else when things go wrong and they get away with it.

If he’s going out it is his responsibility to ensure he is organised. If he wants he can run things past you to check he has everything he needs etc, but make him responsible.

Hes 13 not 5.

Why in the world would a young teen be aware of a spend limit on their account that they didn't even set up !!! By the sounds of it it's managed by the OP that has nothing to do with him. Give over.

IKnowAristotle · 15/04/2025 08:23

Your 13 will respond as a 13 year old but this is literally what life is. A series of minor inconveniences that you learn to plan for as you get older.

Irritateddaily · 15/04/2025 08:23

1apenny2apenny · 15/04/2025 08:20

You need to nip in the bud ‘he upset with me’. I do think one of the reasons young people are struggling is that they just blame everyone else when things go wrong and they get away with it.

If he’s going out it is his responsibility to ensure he is organised. If he wants he can run things past you to check he has everything he needs etc, but make him responsible.

Hes 13 not 5.

Yeah because it's so rare and unheard of to buy snacks before a bloody film. What is wrong with mumsnet this morning all the weirdos are out.

Littlemisscapable · 15/04/2025 08:27

Look it's disappointing but not the end of the world. Don't maximise the drama of it. This is what being a teenager is like. Make sure he has emergency cash in the back of his phone.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/04/2025 08:27

This happens to my similar aged daughter all the time. She to akes out her phone calls me immediately and asks me to transfer extra money/remove the block etc while she's at the till. I do this straight away and problem solved. You are not a mind reader. He needs to learn to communicate with you. T ll him to take it as a learning opportunity and that he needs to be be aware of the spending limit, work out how much he's going to spend and flag to you if it's goyto be a problem. He's 13 not 3!

Youaremythtaken · 15/04/2025 08:28

IKnowAristotle · 15/04/2025 08:23

Your 13 will respond as a 13 year old but this is literally what life is. A series of minor inconveniences that you learn to plan for as you get older.

This is a really good way of looking at it.

I also don't see why everyone is trying to find someone to blame or be pissed off at - the 13 year old wasn't 'wet' or being irresponsible. His friends weren't naff. They were a bunch of young teens navigating an inconvenience when they are still getting used to be responsible for themselves.

I guarantee you more than one of those teens will have gone home and told their parents what happened and been advised to sub their mate next time it happens. We've certainly had those sorts of conversations.

DecayedStrumpet · 15/04/2025 08:28

Aw that is a shame, but at 13 they're not great at reacting to the unknown are they!

Have you enough spare cash to do a family trip to the film together instead? ...Or is it Minecraft and you'd rather chew your own foot off?

Ellie1015 · 15/04/2025 08:28

It is disappointing but dont be too hard on yourself, these things happen.

I am not surprised friends didnt sub him as cinema tickets as they may not have had enough spare. Perhaps some had already paid before your ds was declined. I wouldn't be worried about that.

Emergency cash in phone case seems like a good solution going forward.

Loubylie · 15/04/2025 08:28

It's annoying. But he will learn from it. That's the growing up process. In the meantime, he's got more days of holiday left ... hope he's got more fun stuff planned.

EmotionallyWeird · 15/04/2025 08:30

It's unfortunate, but you both learnt something and it sounds as if he isn't lashing out, but just needs a bit of time to cheer up again. Be kind to yourself - making a mistake because you genuinely didn't know something is not the same thing as making a mistake because you forgot or couldn't be bothered.

murraymcgill · 15/04/2025 08:30

@MeanWeedratStewit's not you fault he should have called you

Anonykunt · 15/04/2025 08:31

If you want to kick me while I'm down, then... bring it on, I guess. I feel I deserve it.

Come on. Get a grip.

fiorentina · 15/04/2025 08:34

My DD went out with a friend yesterday and her card was declined and her friend just paid for her. His friends sound a little selfish to be honest to leave him like
this. These things happen so please don’t beat yourself up.

Limer · 15/04/2025 08:35

Not your fault OP. Not your son's fault either. Neither of you should be feeling guilty.

Good opportunity for a life lesson for your son, and if one of his friends is ever in the same situation, he can sub the friend.

Enoughisenough689 · 15/04/2025 08:35

Don’t make the mistake of being too apologetic op. IMHO, dc, and particularly teens, react to these things as you react to them. In other words, if you blame yourself too much then they will blame you too!

Yes it was disappointing and perhaps slightly embarrassing but these things happen. Maybe it will make him more fully appreciate the times when money was automatically at his disposal?

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 08:36

@murraymcgill he did!

Fedupwiththecuts · 15/04/2025 08:36

Honestly, I see this as a lesson in life. Stuff happens , disappointments happen and we learn and move on.
Resilience is learned by making mistakes and surviving. It's a good skill for life.
Disappointing but he knows for next time and really, no harm done. There will be plenty of future opportunities for mistakes with actual consequences.
Once I was living in a foreign country and had no money. My mum had transferred some but it didn't transfer for 3 days (good old days). Nothing she could do, no-one's fault and I survived. I certainly hope she didn't beat herself up over it as you are doing. I learned to budget better and ask before I ran out of money!

almostbloody50 · 15/04/2025 08:37

Why didn’t one of his mates pay??

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