So... I ruined my son's day out

[MeanWeedratStew]

Long story short: My teenage son went to the cinema with friends today (it's school holidays where we live). He has a bank account that's attached to mine. I checked it early this morning, saw that he had plenty of money in it, figured he would be fine.

What I didn't realise, however, was that his account has a weekly spend limit as a default setting. I, as his parent, have to manually change this limit online. I didn't know this. My son's card was declined and he missed out on seeing the film with his friends. He is now home, understandably upset with me, and I feel like the world's shittest mother. I feel like I'm always double and triple checking everything to do with my kids, and I just can't believe I was dumb enough to overlook this.

If you want to kick me while I'm down, then... bring it on, I guess. I feel I deserve it.

If you can commiserate with a story about a time your felt you failed your child, please share. It might help me to feel less shit.

I'm not sure why people don't read what OP's writes.

She says "What I didn't realise, however, was that his account has a weekly spend limit as a default setting. I, as his parent, have to manually change this limit online. I didn't know this."

He's 13, not had the account long and I doubt (after what was probably a massive ball ache just setting it up with everything being so chuffing complicated these days - I know I nearly lost my shit trying to open an account online for my young teenager a few years ago) even thought to check about a spend limit.
She knows now and will know for any younger children she has.

Sending her 13 yo to the cinema with friends really isn't infantilising him.

And lucky you that your teenagers never needed any parental input in managing their money. It's unusual I think.

It’s more a criticism of banks that these features are being offered tbh. In my view, it’s totally inappropriate for parents to have access to teens’ bank accounts, never mind being able to set spend limits.

I took DS1 to the bank when he was 11 and he set up an account of his own. From then on, I had nothing to do with it and the bank would rightly have told me where to go had I tried to get involved.

This is something parliament should be looking at as it encourages helicopter parents and is an invasion of privacy.

He will ruin many more of your days out in the years to come. Plus a few sleepless nights.

Completely agree @SeaSwim5 . A 14 year old should be perfectly capable of understanding both how much money they have and how long it needs to last, as well as dealing with the, almost certainly minor, consequences if they mess up. It gives them the chance to learn important lessons in a safe way, an opportunity these parent- controlled limits remove.

I'd get him a normal account if I were the OP.

Why do you need kicking?
None of this is really your fault.
You weren't aware that there was a spend limit therefore it's not your fault.

Of course your DS is going to be upset with you but I'd try not to take it to heart and explain it to him when he's calmed down.

Am wondering why his friends didn't chip in and pay for him..... Maybe there wasn't enough money between them

Only on Mumsnet are men not allowed to be sad.

OP didn’t say silent treatment
silent treatment if usually not abusive - it can also be processing
disappointed child is allowed to be sad

My sons always paying for his mates when thing like this happen. At 13 it's easier just to get them a normal bank account. Mine has one with nationwide. No limits or having to pay for his card. I'm surprised some snacks sent him over the limit. Must be a very small limit even with cinema prices
Just get a normal account

Again…OP did not realise the account had a spend limit.

The spending limit must be quite low if he used it up on snacks (although they are massively over-priced at cinemas).
The whole idea of a spending limit on the account sounds OTT to me. He needs to learn to budget and to be resourceful, but the spending limit removes the means to do this. Unless he has a history of splurging money on crap or has learning difficulties, the spending limit isn’t helpful.

Don’t blame yourself, blame the bank. Then send him to see the film with another friend, pay for them both (buy the tickets online first). Job done.

Get his own proper bank account. Either give him an allowance or tell him to get a job and let him crack on.
He's to learn to manage money so you giving him cash every time he goes out isn't an effective way of doing that.
All of mine had jobs at 13, my 14 year old has more money than me now in savings as she works hard and has learnt not to spend it on snacks at a cinema but buys them from the cheap corner shop.
It's horrible when this sort of thing happens but it's not that serious and a good lesson in how to manage situations.

Sorry hrtf why didn't his one of his friends just buy him a ticket?

It’s the holidays - he’s probably been out and about all week doing stuff

Why don't you read the thread? Then you'll get your answer.

Why dont you pay for both him and a friend who hasn’t yet seen it to go together. That will make up for it I’m sure

It's a shame a friend couldn't buy him a ticket.
Don't be too hard on yourself op. I know I'd feel sad for him though.

13 year olds who have barely started going out socialising without parents, do not think like adults. He didn't think to ask a mate to pay and then pay him back and his mates didn't think to offer. I had a similar thing happen with my DS12 last week. He was lucky I managed to sort it in time. Hopefully he will grow and become more resilient. In the mean time, take him to see movie, so at least he can talk about it with his mates.

Please don’t feel badly - honestly. Congratulations to you that you have a confident enough son who clearly has friends and a social life, to go out and do nice things and enjoy life. Lots of kids post pandemic don’t. You’d be surprised. Countless kids are sitting alone in their rooms feeling isolated and hopeless. He could be one of these guys. Then you’d have something to be sad, guilty, worried about. Give yourself an Easter egg and a pat in the back. You’re actually a great mum doing a fine job x

You checked he had enough money so the oversight isn't a biggy. Why didn't your Son's friends pay & he pay them back later or why didn't he ring you to see why his card was declined. He must have known there were funds in it. Don't blame yourself. You know now so can change the spend limit if needs be

Why don't you read OP's posts.
Your 'don't blame yourself' looks a bit lame after you've asked questions which OP has already answered.

I'm starting to think half the responses on these threads are bots because the majority aren't reading all the posts properly- Ai is notorious for missing pieces out of text