I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

Another one who agrees with you @NordicGiant this is my experience.

I suspect OP was hoping that in posting on here she’d have her actions validated in the form of a whole heap of “no is a full sentence” “you go girl”, “it’s your right to choose who to be friends with” etc etc.

This would have dispelled the uneasy ick she was probably feeling deep down, knowing she’d been unreasonable, excessive and hurtful.

I find it strange that you did this. She might well have had problems that you don't know about and she was making an effort to come and see you. I think you are being unnecessarily harsh.

And me.

I doubt she was worried, what could she be worried about after not contacting you for 12 months? It’s just more entitled behaviour from her. She’s basically saying she can cancel on you last minute whenever she wants, but when she wants to see you, you have to make yourself available. You’re well rid, OP, your instincts are correct.

She wasn’t making an effort to drive 3 hours to OP, she just told OP she would be dropping in as she’s passing through the area.

Spoken like someone who probably doesn’t have many people in their life due to their cut-throat approach.

I agree.

Also, she might have dropped in and you had a wonderful time, and thought to yourself 'just like old times/nothings changed'. Why deny yourself that?

I have some great friends but they are all busy having children and don't have as much time for me or the friendship anymore and I have felt more than miffed over it on occasion, but they'd be devastated to think I didn't want to be friends anymore and the rare time we do spend together is wonderful.

What a nasty post. About par for people who think OP should stay a doormat to someone who treats her badly.

We can't assume anything with friendships. My most long-standing friendship is of 50 years! We unfortunately don't live in the same country any more, but we see each other maybe once a year as her parents still live nearby so we'll get together then usually.
We are closer in adulthood than we were in childhood - and even though we are only in sporadic contact, when we do see each other we just carry on from where we left off.
In terms of what you did, you obviously felt the friendship was fading and she didn't, maybe? It's better than being ghosted as at least you know where you stand, but still not pleasant. I'm more in favour of letting friendships fade, but not ghosting or completely cutting off like that. One of my best friends has been ghosted and de-friended so many times it's ridiculous! I can see why but we know each other so well so I just sort of absorb it and when she annoys me I have a self imposed break from her for a bit (as v intense).

I'm not reading into anything but what you said. You're the one who said you were her manager. I also don't think it's an accident that you called her a "mum". That's a certain type of relationship, and it's a word I would never think to use about someone my own age. It says a lot about how you viewed her, even if you think it doesn't.

I notice you still can't mention a time you reciprocated this emotional support to her, by the way.

Maybe she was "one of those women who thinks a woman can't be happy without a man". Or maybe she just felt that way about you, specifically. That you needed a more present emotional support in your life than you were getting from your friends.

As for the "I blocked her after two weeks, typical of people on here to misunderstand" comment . . . that's just batty. It's not a misunderstanding if you never said something! You didn't, and then you jumped straight to "you misunderstood" instead of admitting "I was unclear". Which, again, I think says more about you than you realise.

Not a doormat, just a natural human understanding that life gets busy and true friendships can be picked up after years. It’s a beautiful thing. ♥️

You conveniently ignore that this friend has repeatedly cancelled on OP last minute. And now just tells OP she’ll be dropping in.

Nothing beautiful about that, or your needless attack on me.

You sound gleeful about what you’ve done OP. Are we all supposed to congratulate you? I think you’ve been a bit unnecessarily cruel personally.

I think it’s very strange to do what you’ve done. People come in and out of your life all the time. You live 3 hours away from each other, of course your relationship will change. But if a friend wants to call in and see me after 3, 5, 10 years of not seeing them I’d still welcome them. In fact, I had a friend get in touch recently who I hadn’t seen for 8 years. She was in the area and called in. It was l lovely to see her. I don’t know why you told your friend not to come.

Of course friendships can last as long as you want. You do not need to call time just because you have not seen someone or if they can not see you. Perhaps if they kept cancelling and never make an effort. You could stop reaching out and see what happens. But friendships are supposed to make you feel good and if they are making you feel bad, then cut your losses. I rarely see my childhood friend, but we are in touch via email sometimes multiple times a week or it may go a month or so w out an email (we live in different countries). We see each other whenever I fly home, so like once every couple years.

I've got a friend I see rarely but whenever we do, we pick up where we left off. We message regularly but the last time I saw her was 2021. We had recently reconnected after 12 years and arranged to meet. I was unsure about it but we got got drunk in her back garden and had a great time. If I had decided I didn't want to see her, I'd have just slowed down communication. Why create animosity with someone if it doesn't need to happen? I think confronting someone in this way is only necessary if they are an active presence in your life causing you negativity.

I don’t think it’s an issue ending a friendship, are we meant to never say anything and just bumble along keeping the peace? Friends are people you see and share things with otherwise they’re just people you know. This never letting a friendship past its sell by date go is odd.

I agree, but it's far more usual to just let them drift or fall out because of some properly hurtful behaviour. If someone had let me down twice like this and without good reason I'd just say sorry, busy that weekend to the next couple of suggestions of getting together and then they'd usually get the message. Or if I really couldn't face it I'd explain that I'd been hurt/inconvenienced by previous flakiness and would not want it to happen again i.e. give them one last chance. But not cut them off bluntly and irrevocably.

Have you done this a lot? How has it worked out generally?

I had it happen to me once and I didn't appreciate the honesty, it actually took away from what had been a lovely friendship, when I realised that she was judging my value in her life. I didn't do anything awful, I just moved away and was less available.

I have lost touch with loads of people over the years and would be (mainly) delighted if our paths crossed again for whatever reason. I don't see this as ghosting, things just change.

It’s becoming clear why you have friendship issues..

No. I've been ghosted by someone i thought was a friend and it really hurt. I still wonder if she's okay and what the hell happened.

Why knock someone's confidence like that and hurt their feelings when you could kindly say, as the OP has, that you don't feel the friendship is there anymore and you wish them well?

Honesty is the best policy. I'd prefer not to be lied to.

For @SnoopyPajamas and at the risk of hijacking the thread, and for clarity:

I managed a team of staff, being the youngest person there. In my 20s, the team had some older members in their 50s
My mum had died a year or so previously. I had a miscarriage and subsequent marriage breakdown - one of the team members supported me at the time, in the absence of my own mum. That was what I meant by a 'work mum'. Not that I needed mothering at work or was having an inappropriately 'power imbalanced relationship' with anyone
I changed jobs and this woman retired along with the other older women in the team but they continued to meet up and invited me along too
This woman lived not too far away from me and we often met up for coffee or lunch ourselves, when she would talk about her four grown up children and when the youngest (a woman) married and had children she would show me photos of the grandchildren and talk about them most of the time at our meetups
She did not require or ask for any 'emotional support' from me. It was chatty meet ups and sharing what had gone on with our lives. If she had, then I would have been there for her. But she had a strong family unit and never disclosed any problems to me
She told me that all she ever wanted as a girl was to get married and have a family and was not career minded - that's her choice
That was not my choice. My marriage ended and I lost a child but I was not searching for another husband and I never gave off any vibes to anyone that I was. I was focused on my job, house and friends and social life and had moved on happily

I blocked her after months, going into a couple of years, of evasiveness and slow withdrawal. I don't do that lightly.

Back to the original post .....

Sounds like you called time on the friendship due to her flakiness more than anything else, which is fine. I do agree with previous posters though that you don't have to see people all the time for friendship bonds to remain. However in this case you clearly wanted a clean break, so fair enough and I admire you for telling her straight rather than wishy washy ghosting..

I feel very differently to you. I have a friend that I see at most twice a year (location, work etc) and we don't message much, but I would still call her one of my closest friends. We've shared a lot together and used to live together, been through some traumas, were each others bridesmaids, children, divorces Etc. We know each other inside out and don't need to see each other a lot to know that if we're needed we're there. I could never in a million years cut her out.

However, you don't need to be friends with anyone you don't want to be friend with.