I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

If you're at peace with the decision, fair enough, but I can understand her being hurt. I have a very good friend who I haven't seen for over a year. It's often like that but when we do get together or talk we pick up where we left off - there's no awkwardness or anything fake. I have other friends where it's the same. You have different expectations of friendship, which is fine, but the unfriending thing feels cold and unnecessary to me.

No, she should have said "sorry, I'm not available". Because they live so far apart, it would have naturally just stopped, without the bridge-burning and drama.

And if the ex friend asked again in a year's time? Well, OP might have felt like a catch-up then.

This. And the refusing to engage any further is actually really arrogant. You have basically shut your friend down and not allowed her to have a voice. Not brave.

But OP is saying she doesn't feel like this is the kind of friend where they pick up where they left off.

If it was that kind of friendship then she wouldn't have ended it. She obviously feels that it wasn't a good friendship.

In which case, she did the kindest thing and ended it clearly.

Or do you think she has no right to choose her friends?

I don't get this at all. It's hurtful to be avoided (i.e. ghosted) and it's disrespectful.

So you would ghost someone but never tell them clearly just in case you felt like picking them up again at a later date?

No. I'd rather someone make it a clean break than mess me around like that.

That’s way worse. It’s cruel to leave someone hanging like that, with no idea what’s happened, or what they did.

But there is not need to "end it", aside from spite. They'd not texted in 12 months.

When did we lose this British ability to 'pick up on subtle things'? There are some posts on here which make me wonder if we lost our Britishness altogether - posts like 'my bf does not want to go on holiday with me, as he prefers to go on holiday with his friends' or such like. It is astounding that we lost the ability to communicate through subtleness. I knew even 25 years ago that my then bf went off me when he hesitated in a non-relationship related conversation once or twice and - I knew immediately and I reciprocated by gently withdrawing and letting the relationship fizzle out without any scenes, or 'explain why not me' demands. Not everything has to be explained - you said she cancelled on you after your 3 hours in traffic to come and see her - in my understanding that was her ending your relationship with you there and then. It is shocking she can't read the signals she herself sends. People should pick up on signals, if they can be bothered to be attentive - signals are abundant in how people greet each other, their responses to texts, etc. etc. I think it is crass to demand an explanation - it is so pushy, and sometimes the person does not know why they don't want to communicate/be friends/bf or gf with you, they just feel the relationship is off, and we should pick up on that and not corner them into defensiveness.

People who see friends as really close and are prepared to give a lot of themselves to the relationship are the ones who have more expectations too and are really hurt when it’s not mirrored.
So I understand why you did what you did but also I have to say that people who are less involved/ less invested often end up more popular with more friends.

Saying no to a coffee with someone you've had no contact with in 12 months isn't "leaving them hanging".

Maybe re-read the quote I was replying to!

I've done this, when someone I was friends with - a former work colleague, in actual fact I was her manager, but she was a 'mum' figure and supportive to me when my relationship was going wrong and I had a miscarriage. Years later but after lots of meet ups and chats she started withdrawing, which coincided with her daughter getting married and having children. She was never free because she had to "help Helen" but she regularly met up with other people from work (these were older women). She said she was stopping buying Christmas presents, then birthday presents because she couldn't afford it (she was loaded and we had a £10 limit) then it was always busy, too busy to meet.

She never replied to emails or messages properly, one words and thumbs up, that sort of thing. When my cat died and I got a 'sorry' that was it for me.

I messaged her and said that when she said she didn't have time to meet what she was really saying seemed to be she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I thanked her for her support, said I was sorry if I had upset her in any way as I was unaware of what that was, wished her well, said I wouldn't be back in touch though and then blocked her on all platforms. Never seen or heard from her since or any of the others. I wondered if it was because of the age gap, they were all old enough to be my mum and I was their manager.

I'd no idea what I had done wrong. The only thing I can think of is when she used to keep going on about me finding another husband and asked me what my type was, and I said I didn't find bald men attractive, she has three sons and guess what they are all bald. It didn't mean I didn't think they were good guys though. I didn't even think of that when I said what my type was and wasn't.

It's the only time I've ever done it because people have to mightily piss me off for me to dump them totally. If they annoy me (in general rather than specifically) I tend to still see them but in a group so they're diluted so to speak. I did this with a friend of a friend, and am so glad I did, because she died suddenly last year. We shared a birthday too, and it is coming up soon so it will be poignant. I wish she was still here.

a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off

To me, this is the bit where it turns from a friendship into a convenience-ship. The friend wasn’t looking forward to seeing OP and either made excuses or genuinely would rather do something else with someone else, even though she had a plan with OP. And then she announces she’s calling in. Not a request, an announcement, an assumption that they have the sort of friendship where you can state that. They, in fact, do not have that sort of relationship any more. I think OP was right to draw a line under it all.

Onwards and upwards OP!

Did she actually cancel after OP spent 3 hours in traffic? I read it as OP planned to travel to see her (or somesuch), but this was cancelled before OP travelled.

I stand by it.

I meant that there was no kindness in cutting off people you barely talk to anyway, because there's no point.

Ok so she cancelled your visits a couple of times and then didn’t text for a year. You were clearly upset by this. Then when she said could she visit, you said no and said the friendship over because of her previous non contact.

That’s your prerogative of course. But I’m not sure why you’re coming on MN to tell everyone if you’re so sure you did the right thing.

I’m talking about letting relationships fade away, it’s similar to ghosting and it’s cruel.
I disagree that there’s no point, because the op said the friend has asked to meet.

Honestly? It sounds like you got the hump at her for cancelling on you, and have been waiting for the opportunity to pay her back by doing the same to her. But that didn't feel like punishment enough when the moment finally arrived, so you texted her to 'kindly' end the friendship.

And now you're here on Mumsnet to play poor little me and get your applause. It's not very nice.

To all the people saying you have the right to end the friendship - of course you do. But you've been stewing on this for months. You could have sent this text to her at any point. But you didn't. You held off until she tried to reconnect and you got to punish her for it. That's what everyone can see is unnecessarily nasty, and that's why you're getting "harsh" comments.

There's a massive difference to driving 3 hours to see someone, which I assume would require an overnight stay, and popping in for a coffee when you're passing.

The trip is basically hosting for the weekend and requires a lot of time and effort, so it's natural that someone would cancel if they had other things on.

I have loads of friends I'd love to have lunch with but wouldn't want to host them for a weekend.

Heartedly agree

Relationships fading away is just what happens when you live three hours apart. Have you never moved cities?

Agree 💯

I’d be so sad to be formally dumped by an old friend , it’s an odd thing to do and unnecessary , you could just be unavailable if you feel uninclined to meet up and not let her know you wish no further contact , it’s no wonder she is concerned and wants to check you are ok

you have no idea what is happening in other people’s lives and why they may not be meeting your expectations of what a friendship should be , I personally like to keep all doors, and possibilities open
I chatted to a old ex of mine briefly last year , it was lovely to catch up probably will never hear or see them again but certainly did not feel the need to tell him to do one

i have done it once but this friend was not a good friend and had done many many things that were unacceptable

what you did is not brave, it’s rude and attention seeking.