I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

She'd messaged her. So you think OP should have just ignored the message or told a lie? She doesn't want to be friends with her - why do you think she should force herself to maintain a friendship she doesn't want, or keep someone hanging on when she doesn't want to be friends? Let her go, clearly and kindly - that's the most loving thing to do.

I think you have been very hurtful OP, my best friend from school is still a friend, but most recently there were 4 years between catch ups in person and sporadic contact over that time.

Unless someone has wronged you, you don't delete them from your life, you just catch up now and again, as suits. If her planned drop in was at a bad time, declining is fine, but saying I don't want to be friends is just rather childish and cruel.

sounds a bit extreme to me. I’d have just not bothered reaching out to her in future but happily had a catch-up chat if she offered to drop by. Formally declaring the friendship over was OTT and self-important.

but hey-ho, I guess it’s done now

Personally I'd find this kind of an inappropriate friendship. I always find the concept of a 'work mum' inappropriate, and when you factor in that you were her manager it gets even weirder. That's a power differential that may have meant she felt she couldn't say no when you expected emotional support from her.

You don't once mention a way in which you repaid this support to her, by the way. It sounds very one-sided. It sounds like you didn't offend her either - just that when her real children needed her more, she just didn't have the time to keep playing mum to you. She probably thought you would have moved on and found more of a support network by then. (Hence the husband comments.)

I'm curious if this 'mum' role was something she played into, or was just how you saw this woman? Just because she was old enough to be your mum, and showed concern for you, doesn't mean the motherly role was one she wanted. Maybe she wanted a friend she could be on an equal footing with, and pulled back when she realised you would always view her as a comfort dispenser.

If you hadn't blocked her, she might have explained. But I suppose you'll never know now.

Seems a bit dramatic to me. I have lots of people who I was close friends with that I haven’t seen for ages. However, if they told me they wanted to stop by as they were passing I would be happy to catch up if I was free. If I wasn’t, I would say maybe another time. That’s just life isn’t it? Things evolve and that’s fine.

This made me cry..
My friend who lives 5 hrs away from me and who I only see/speak to a few times a year was the first person I told (after family) when my mum died just before Christmas..
For the same reason your friend did..

It's horses for courses, surely. Some people obviously do feel they need lots of contact and face to face catch-ups, others don't. I have friends I can go for years without seeing, but when I do see them it's like we've never been apart. This doesn't bother me at all.

Obviously for someone like you, that doesn't work. And that's fine. Nobody's obliged to be friends with anyone. You wouldn't want to stay friends with someone who was only sporadically in touch - and I wouldn't want to stay friends with someone whose friendship could only be maintained with regular contact. We're all different.

I think it's fair enough given she's cancelled your visits with little notice and then thought she would just drop into you. I don't think the length of times between seeing each other is so much the problem.

Well I'm meeting up with a friend next month who I haven't seen for 25 years. We met when we were both starting out our working lives in London and then, after a few years, I moved abroad and when I came back to the UK we lived at the opposite ends of the country.

Talking to him on the phone the other day it was as if we'd spoken only last week.

I know it's different for everyone but I think if it was a close friendship initially and drifted because of geographical location then it's easier to pick up. Obviously if there have been other issues over the course of the friendship then it might be different.

I don't recall ever having ghosted anyone or officially ending a friendship.

I think friendships can continue with minimal contact..I have some friends and family I don't see often but it doesn't mean I don't think about them or still consider them friends or family and I know they think the same .
Sometimes life just gets in the way of meet ups

@Ishouldgodostuff you haven't explained why you wanted to end it

You seem to want opinions on what you've done but it's hard to know what to say if you don't explain why - though you are of course fine to say "It's not working for me anymore". Because sometimes that's all it is really.

if you feel she was flaky by cancelling and you feel there was nothing left, I understand that. But as you didn't explicitly say it, I feeling we're missing something

FWIW I would much rather friends had actually said the words rather than try to slow fade or ghost. So I think it's unfair to criticise you for actually saying "it's over".

I wouldn't do this. I reckon I could pick up with school friends I haven't seen for 40 years because of mutual indifference. It reads like you wanted to have the last word after your friend cancelled on you. No need, really.

I disagree with the people who said that you should have seen her and pretended that things were ok. A literal waste of time as you’ve gone off her and yanbu to say don’t come. I think it’s rude to say that you’re coming over uninvited without checking the other person’s schedule unless you’re super local so it doesn’t matter if you were in or not.

I disagree that dumping her with reasons was kind in any way but maybe you felt better about telling her how angry you were about the previous incidents. I’ve replied to many posts where the OP is upset about being ghosted because they don’t know why and I always say that if they knew why, the other person isn’t going to listen to the justification for your behaviour and reconsider their decision so a different loose end is created. You saw this woman so irregularly that it would be easy to fade her out so the 12 months becomes longer and longer.

I have friendships that have lasted despite no contact in between and that might be because I’ve lived in a few countries and places so distance friendships is normal. However they all give the same energy and effort that I do which makes me feel pleased to see them after a break for years.

Yanbu to end a friendship (they aren’t obligations ) but I think that you’re kidding yourself that it was kind in any way.

I agree. Plus the fact, that although work friendships can be intense, they often naturally fade once you leave.

It sounds as if she was trying to force a friendship that was dying a natural death, and had a dummy spit about it.

Yes I’ve got loads of friendships where we pick it up after a few years, I think we’d all run out of friends if we got rid of people we haven’t contacted for ages.

I feel the same way. I’ve got a friend that I’ve known 35 years, we’ve seen each other twice in the last ten years, speak on the phone a lot and that’s fine.

I disagree. Some people are in our lives because we need them at a particular time - they're the right person at the right time. Some friends are nice to occassionally meet up with because of shared history. Other friendships are deeper and can indeed last forever regardless of how often you see each other or speak.

By the time this happened, I HAD moved on, changed jobs and was in a much better place. I also had a very good set of friends who I'd known before her, and since her.

I didn't need or demand anything from her. I simply saw her as a friend at that time. I used that 'mum' description to emphasise the support I had when I needed it, at that time, for a short time. There was absolutely no power differential. She had retired, and I had changed jobs.

I didn't want comfort from her by this time. Life had moved on and I didn't need her or want to take time away from her children. She was one of those people who thought a woman couldn't be happy without a man, and it was misguided concern for me.

I blocked her after two weeks when I received no response at all. You misunderstand, but that is typical on here. People read into posts what they think.

You are at peace with your actions. Not something I would have done though, I would just have let things gradually die.

I feel very sorry for your friend. I'd be pretty hurt in that instance. It seems rather unnecessary to cause hurt, especially as she doesn't seem really to have done anything wrong.

You are clearly proud of your behaviour, hence announcing it on mumsnet. You were cruel, just horrible.

Why is it cruel to tell someone that you don’t like them always cancelling plans on you last minute?

Isn’t the actual behaviour (the friend repeatedly cancelling plans last minute) more cruel? OP could have made other plans on those times she blocked out to see her friend.

I think it’s was very unkind too, I wonder how you would feel if someone did the same to you OP. I think you’ve revealed a rather unpleasant side of your character seeming to take delight in your decision and revealing it here.
Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and touch many different aspects of our lives, each one unique and special in its own way.

It’s like those people who only invite recent friends to weddings but not the more longterm ones, and then find it weird when they get an invite to an old friends wedding.
If people only have current friends in their lives then they won’t have many people

Another one who agrees with you, this is my experience.