I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

Sorry I don't understand this at all. Seems really unnecessary to me

I don't think you were wrong, OP. Sometimes you have to be more definite than passive in order to let go of something that niggles at you. This niggle was your friend.

You broke the friendship for a reason and that's ok, you can now forget about her and move on unencumbered with her in your life.

You are both right. A friendship can definitely survive distance with limited contact.
But if you feel you have nothing in common with her anymore the. You are not obliged to maintain the friendship.

Yes sometimes its hard to say reasons why. I do hate ghosting though. I find people odd at moment they keen to catchup I offer dates. No reply. Disheartening. Op I dont like flaky behaviour in friends.

I've never understood the mentality of 'staying friends' with people who have shown with their actions they don't care about you, have no interest in you, make no effort to be a part of your life, or even respect your time. If someone treats me that way no I won't pick up where we left off, I'm done, whether I declare it or not. Probably if it was someone I was close to and I felt they deliberately faded me out I would be more likely to say something. Especially if they flake on me all the time and then expect me to drop everything the moment they finally show up. Ghosting can be more hurtful than saying something as well.

If it was someone more casual overall that I wasn't that much bothered with in the first place, then yes I could let it go and pick up where we left off. But that's only because they weren't much to me to begin with, someone to pass the time with, no more.

I feel like people often just take the people in their lives for granted and then get annoyed they aren't allowed to have the status of 'friendship' while putting absolutely nothing into it. So I support your decision

Honestly? Unless they had greatly upset me, I'd not have done that to a long term friend, even if distance had occurred. I just find that sort of thing really unnecessary, upsetting a person who has done you no harm, because you want to make a point of 'calling time'. Friendships are not like romantic relationships where you need to explicitly 'finish' with the other person. You can stay on friendly terms, send a message at Christmas and birthdays. It takes a couple of minutes and is so much less fuss than the emotional high drama of sending a Dear Jane message. It also keeps the door ajar. Lifes long, things change, and you may have rediscovered what you valued in each other in time.

I think the point is, if you really like someone, you don't let it get 10 years without contact. I really don't understand why you would just let someone fall out of your life if they actually mean something to you. It's not that hard to send messages these days. That's why I don't get this mentality

So many people prefer to hide, run away or lie.
There is nothing wrong with clear communication. It doesn’t have to be nasty, it can be gentle, but clear communication is so much better. Everyone knows where they are, not wondering what they’ve done, or what happened.

I’m torn, because on one hand I think we all have the right to end a relationship (romantic or otherwise) that isn’t working for us without having to prepare a thesis level justification. But on the other, I agree with you about a performative element for some people. It’s like it has to be an event.

I’ve seen quite a few “Should I leave this WhatsApp group?” threads on here where chats have slowed, meet-ups died off etc… It also feels a bit like the OP wants to be seen to be leaving. Nothing would actual happen if they just left the group at the bottom of the list; they don’t gain anything by deleting it - they just want the others to know. It’s the same with people who make a point of deleting Facebook friends they don’t speak to that often. It makes zero difference to have one more friend on their list, and they could easily scroll past updates that aren’t of interest. But they want to send out the message that they’re far too important to bother about your updates if they don’t hear from you weekly.

With that in mind, I wonder if the OP was hoping to trigger a string of “OMG I’m so sorry! I really didn’t mean to upset you, how can I make it up to you?? 😢” messages - and has “made her peace” with her decision now she hasn’t got them.

That is mean of her to dump you without explanation. I'm going through the same thing and it's very confusing and hurtful. I'm sorry she did this to you, especially when you were experiencing an exciting phase of life. I think it's possible she dumped you because she was jealous of your pregnancy. Mine did it when I landed a well paid job.

Oh well I guess it depends. Personally I was best friends with someone for several years from childhood. Then we entered different lives - her job was weird hours, she got her first serious partner who took up her spare time, I barely saw her. Then she had kids and I didn’t so other than babysitting duties here and there I still didn’t see her much. Then just as her life settled down and she had more regular hours and spare time, I met someone and had kids so we were still at different stages and had different priorities. Social media by this stage meant we could keep in touch more and we did send messages a bit but still we weren’t as close as we had been. We both had other friends that we made at work and whose lives were more in line with ours. We still made the effort to meet up at Christmas and birthdays or for special occasions and were bridesmaids for each other. The thing was when we did manage to meet up it was like we’d never been apart. I missed her sometimes and I’m sure she was the same. Finally my kids got old enough to not need me there all the time and we both had time. We started meeting up more often and now it’s back to how it used to be. We are so close and i trust her more than anyone. It’s just for a few years we were in different places. But we knew and understood that. Neither of us got upset over it. But if you need someone who can be there more often and don’t accept that she currently has other priorities then maybe you shouldn’t be friends.

You do understand that this is an anonymous forum? None of us know you. We can only respond to you based on the information you provide. If you were confusing or left things out, it's nobody's fault but yours.

I'm sorry for what you went through. But I stand by the judgements I made about you. I don't know what this response was supposed to achieve, but you've only dug yourself in deeper, really. This woman "supported you in the absence of your mother" - but you didn't see her as playing a mother role? This is bunk. It's clear as day you projected a maternal role onto her, and I'm guessing she pulled away to escape it.

How else do you explain the "months of evasiveness and slow withdrawal"? And the one word "sorry" when you told her your cat died? You don't have to tell me, but it's worth thinking about. People don't generally go from kind and caring to checked-out, for no reason. The most likely answer is that you put too much on this woman without offering much in return. Or that she simply felt the friendship had run its course.

You say you'd moved on with plenty of other friends and were happy, but you don't come across that way. Most people would think this was a work friend who was there for you during a hard time, but the friendship drifted. It's natural, now you don't see each other every day, and you're in completely different seasons of your lives. Your response, however, is incredibly hurt and angry, in a way that only makes sense if you expected more from her. And why would you expect more than she's already given? Because you projected a mum role onto her. That's why.

Even this whole "I blocked her and I don't do that lightly" is coming from a very emotional, angry place. Why block her? She's not harassing you. Why make such a big show of burning that bridge, when you could just let the friendship fade out? I'm not interested in fighting with you, but I think some self-reflection would do you good. There are things that are painfully obvious to a stranger, that you can't see at all.

Hate me if you want. I wish you happiness.

This

I too didn't feel ghosting a long term friend was right. I felt I owed her an explanation. This is my experience

We met when I was doing a masters in a western US state, after moving there from the UK just after finishing my undergrad. She was doing an undergrad degree and was slightly younger than me. We saw each other through marriage (both), divorce (hers), infertility (mine), adopting children (me) failed relationships (hers), and sobriety (mine.)

Point is, in the first ten to fifteen years I felt, and feel looking back, we supported each other mutually. When she divorced, I spent a huge amount of time with her. I celebrated as she got put and formed new friendship groups, got excited about a past time gain she'd given up due to her marriage. I felt she celebrated my sucesses and supported me as well.

Over the years, I realised our dynamic was changing. She was very interested in my failures, not any success. She mocked my accent, claiming I mispronounced words when I used a British accent. She spoke constantly about how bad the religion I practice is. It was subtle, but there.

Finally, after 25 years I realised it had become toxic. I stopped drinking and she reacted in hindsight badly. I wasn't the friend with problems she could commiserate with, and in some ways feel superior too. She berated me it I did activities without her, but left me out. So was increasingly rude when she did come out; I asked her to come out to a play with a group.of friends for example. She arrived late, spilt beer over me and complained about the seat we had kept for her. She broke her ankle and I went over every morning for six weeks and cleaned her cats litter trays as she couldn''t kneel. I broke my ankle and she offered to do nothing.

I can't quite explain it, it just slowly happened and I didn't notice. Until I did.

I just sat down one day and realised I dreaded her calls, we had nothing in common anymore, she expected 100% from.me but gave me nothing back. Friendship is never even, and shouldn't be transactional, it isn't that I expect I give you an hour, you give me one back, but this was just off. We weren't having conversations anymore, just her calling me to tell me complaints. When we did made plans, which she frequently cancelled, it almost always turned out if we did meet, she wanted help moving something (a trip to a garden center turned into me moving bags of compost for her.)

So, I set up a time and to meet with her, She arrived almost an hour late, which was fairly normal, with little apology.

I ended the friendship. I told her that while we had had good times, and had been supportive of each other, in truth that hadn't been the case in the last few years. I explained we had grown apart and I felt it was time to acknowledge that and move on. She demanded why. I said we had nothing in common anymore. We really hadn't had a good conversation is months if not years, that we both were more comfortable spending time with other friends. That neither of us were bad, we had just moved on.

She got irrate and left, turning to tell me I was an awful human being and if this was sobriety I should drink again.

She posted a long tirade on social media about being stabbed in the back.by her best friend

Afterwards, I ran into mutual friends several.times. I would never bring her up, but to a person they did. And they would say some version of you helped her so much and she treated you like dirt.

Now, almost ten years later, I'm glad I spoke to her face to face. I'm.glad I didn't ghost her. It was one of the most painful things I've done, but I felt I acted with integrity. She doesn't I would guess. I wish her well.

@LateLifeReturnee

Such an interesting post from you.

I cannot begin to tell you how this has resonated with me. A friendship of double the decades of yours is coming/has come to an end. I'm relieved to be honest. Sometimes if you've known someone for so long, it hangs by a thread because of the time, and not because it's rewarding.

Thank you very much for your post

@LateLifeReturnee . Wow . Your friend certainly was a bad apple in a bunch . She was actually abusive to you and in your situation you certainly did do the right thing by telling her to her face . It would have been like therapy for you to get it off your chest and tell her . You were not in the wrong . Ops case is completely different. She held a gripe because her friend canceled 2 meet ups and when her friend was in touch to see her she couldn’t wait to get her revenge. It was spite . That’s all . It’s her loss , she’s burnt her bridges.

this
I have not seem some of my most lovely friends for well over 2/3 years but we speak/text often. It is life, things get in the way, children young, family needs etc.
Just the way it is.

It happens when you move around a lot. You just can't keep up with everyone.

Where's a rolling eyes emoji when you need one? Why on earth would anyone hate you? Nobody has a clue who you are and you don't have a clue who the OP is. You're very smug and very unhelpful.

Same for me - and these friends feel like the “real” ones.

At least you told her and didn’t just ghost her.

Friendships can become uneven through time e.g children, partners/ husband's, work demands but the other person may not have as many or completely different demands.
But changing plans at last minute after the other travels that would be very thoughtless

@TulipTiptoer I'm glad you got something from it.

I have resumed friendships on returning home to Northern Ireland that I only had limited ( a coffee or night here and there over the 25 years, a letter in a Christmas card, and finally social.media) or in one case no contact in 35 years. The term anam cara or soul friend fits those friendships. I somehow through guilt, familiarity, or her being my first friend in the US ( though I made many more) allowed this to drag on for too long. I will.not do that again.

@Tourmalines you are right, my experience is different. I do wonder though if there was a little more to those cancellations. If I planned to travel three hours and the plans were casually abandoned by my friend, it would grate. It reminded me of my friends dismissive attitude to my time.

I didn't actually answer the OP original.question.

Some friendships survive minimal contact - you have a deep long lasting connection.

Some don't.

I have moved around a lot and I always keep up with the people who matter to me. The rest are just acquaintances

But surely the point of the OP is not whether friendships wax and wane, which they certainly do, it’s whether it’s appropriate for someone to state this openly.

If you live in the same town and are frequently making or receiving one sided requests, then maybe.

But if it’s a sporadic long distance thing then there’s no ‘ghosting’ it’s just letting things slide.

If the OP just said she was busy she was unlikely to think anything of it. It would have pottered on but there would always have been the option of opening up again later.

It’s not like a romantic relationship which is usually exclusive so everyone needs to know where they stand.

This was just attention seeking and spiteful.

Except she's obviously still thinking of her enough to make a thread...