Why do I ‘save things’ rather than enjoy them?

[TwentySeconds20]

In the sense of ‘too good’ to use yet.

So, a beautiful bottle of expensive bubble bath, bought for me by a friend.
A gorgeous, velour set to wear to relax at home, bought for me by my son.
A box of special chocolates given to me by DH.
None used.

i have a drawer of unused gifts, some, in my head, saved for a tombola, just because I think that would be better value.

My DM regifts, I don't even do that, they just sit there!

Anyone else do this?
Why? 😵‍💫

Was that the thread made by an OP who had this problem? Posters persuaded her to wear her 'saved for best' clothes and make up etc; and she did! she posted about going out to do something mundane looking and feeling fabulous! it was a lovely thread.

I’m usually too impatient to let the champagne chill (we do of course)!

and just remembered a lovely gift I got off a client (I’m a mn) maybe 12/13yrs ago

was from fortnumandmason and a box of really costly chocs - think almost £80 when looked online 🙀🙀

i couldn’t justify eating the chocs till one day thought sod it and opened and had gone mouldy and was out of date by 2yrs

I was gutted 🥲🥲🥲🥲

and decided from then I would use stuff whether perfume candles food etx

few years later I got a bottle of
Dom Perignon Vintage Champagne, 2013

worth £200 - I had to google and was omfg

opened it when mini blondes was 1 and drank with family on her first birthday

it was nice but dare I say a £5.99 from Aldi bubbly just as nice

😂😂😂😂

taste test I couldn’t have said it was worth the price but appreciated the thank you

Same 🥲🥲🥲

I used to be a bit like this too OP, I think it's quite common. As a child I also was only given things for my birthday or Christmas, and had best clothes that could only be worn on special occasions. Maybe it's a generational thing?

Anyway, open those chocolates today, and then this evening have a bath using the bubble bath and then put on your velour leisure set!!

Edited for typo

We’ve never felt the need to save chocolates in this house!

After MiL died there was a huge dinner service, soup tureen and everything, that had belonged to her mother. I don’t think she’d ever used it except at Christmas. TBH I didn’t even really like it, and we didn’t have room anyway, so the whole lot went to a charity shop.

Use them! I had a relative and when she died her house was full of unused things. Presents still wrapped, a tub of soap flakes from the 30s set solid. The Irish linen sheets still folded and tied with ribbon that broke along the folds. The 20s flapper dress that collapsed into a pile of beads. Her daughter had it ingrained into her not to use “stuff” so much that when she finally decided to wear a string of real pearls all she could hear was her mother’s voice telling her she couldn’t. (She sold the jewellery)

My mother was like this even if she got us something we was to keep it in the box and pack it away.
Xmas time if we got anything any good must keep it in the box and store it away no point in getting anything.
She was the same with clothes silly really by thime we was allowed to wear it it was to small.
My step dad got her a coffee hot chocolate set once came with alot of things by the time she went to use it it was manky and had to be binned.
As an adult if i get anything i use it if i buy something i use it lifes to short.

I do this. I think it's because I'm terrified I'm going to ruin them! (Clothes)

I don't do it so much with chocolate and bubble bath. But the temptation to do it is there.

I've had low self esteem in years gone by (not so much now) and I think some of it was a "I don't deserve nice things" mindset

My parents were like this, especially my Mum. She would prefer to wear the same bobbly clothes or even my old shoes than get something of her own. I think it was scarcity mindset and poor self esteem, she didn't feel good enough to have nice things. Or she was always scared the nice thing would get ruined or taken away, I.e. a stain on some furniture.

She passed away two years ago and I was helping my Dad sort the kitchen out and found brand new frying pans and kitchenware, with the packaging still on and she was still stubbornly using the frying pan with the handle nearly falling off!

I try not to be like this, if I've been gifted something. I think what has helped is using something in an intentional way. So rather than just scoffing the chocolates, I'd dim the lights, put on a nice film and have the chocolates there so it felt more like an occasion. Saying that I know I have some fancy candlesticks gifted to me that are still in the box...

I don't use nice things. It just isn't done. I don't use nice household things, and I don't wear nice clothes. The household things because they are "too good" for me and the clothes because I would be accused of trying to look nice and it's really not worth the aggro.

My parents were so like this with a real ‘save it for best’ mindset, they had china, glasswear, table linen that was only for ‘if the queen comes’ 🤣 They downsized a few years ago and found all the ‘for best’ stuff during the move, chucked out all of their day to day stuff and only took the good stuff with them! Now whenever I got round I get coffee in a china cup, water in a crystal glass and food on their wedding dinner service plates. My mum also wears all of her good clothes on a daily basis, lays the table with posh linen for dinner and is working her way through the backlog of perfumes she saved. The only sad thing is that they waited so long (70 plus) before finally enjoying their things.

I know what you mean, I was brought up with the same mindset, as was my mum and her mum so it's passed down. I've so many beautiful things (my mum has even more as she's a hoarder) nut they sit on the side or in a plastic box she buys to hold them when the last one is full in mum's case) and never get used.

Occasionally she might have an attack of the clear outs and donate them brand new and unworn to the charity shop. Another waste of money. (not giving it to charity, the never wearing it or using it herself after spending it.) if its not charity it's ebay or vinted for a fraction of the cost.

I'm trying to get better and to work on her mindset too.

The money is gone either way be it food, clothing, electrical, handbag etc etc. You won't get it back, especially not at the same level it cost. What's the point in it sitting in a box causing you mild (or more) anxiety or guilt they it's sat there watching you and you've got to find an occasion that feels right to wear it sometimes alongside other brothers and sisters waiting for the same thing?

You could not wake up the next day, fall in front of a bus or be diagnosed with something. You could live 5 more years, 10, 25, 50... All never allowing yourself those nice things you've already spent or been given. Why? Why are you not worth the thought or nice item?

Use it, in all the ways you have the nice things. Use them all and enjoy them and watch them being enjoyed by all! Remember people through them, feel as wonderful as you deserve to feel using them! Give yourself a break, life is hard enough!

I must go against the grain because I grew up in a household with very little money, but would use, wear or eat it immediately, should I get something nice. I’m not like that now, but I still don’t keep anything for best, due to all the pitfalls already mentioned. I am one for instant gratification though - I got in trouble at Christmas for eating all the special Christmas tree chocolates (too much temptation for a 6 year old) and once for pulling all the crackers by myself. Oops.

However, I am a bit of a hoarder re anything with positive memories attached to it, and I’m awful at throwing anything away (just in case). So I do hold on to things just not “for best”. That’s what I need to work on.

My mum bought us a lovely cutlery set when we got engaged and she comments often how astonished she is that we use it every day. What is the point of it if it’s not being used??

Exactly this - if you don't wear it then you're already living without it, so it's much better to wear and enjoy your nice sentimental things, even if it means there's a chance they could get lost or worn out. I also think that these things can only take on sentimental value (which for most of us is most of the point of "heirloom" type items rather than their monetary value) if they are actually used. An inherited necklace that you remember your mother/grandmother wearing and can now enjoy yourself is much more special than something that's been sitting unworn in a jewellery box for 50 years.

Enjoy wearing your pendant - it's what it's for and I'm sure your mum would have loved to know when she gave it to you that you would be enjoying it so many years later!

I don't know why some people do this. But if it helps I took all my deceased mother's clothes to the charity shop last week. Lovely thing after lovely thing, never worn. A total and utter waste.

Some people have nothing. If you don't want to use things give them to someone who will.

For me it's my childhood. Nice things were for other people who deserved them. I'm getting better and have lovely things but I do struggle to feel like I am worthy.

I used to do this and it's because i had so much other stuff sitting around I felt I couldn't justify e.g. opening a new hand cream when I had one already. I have gradually been decluttering and now when I get something new I think, yes, I will use it now because I actually need it. If you’ve got a lounge wear outfit already that you don't like as much as the new one, give the old one to charity or decide it will just be for cleaning the house. Then the new one is your current one.

@TwentySeconds20 I am sorting out my DMs house and it is heartbreaking the number of unopened presents I gave her over the years.

Gifts are generally given to people that you care about, to be enjoyed and because you think they are genuinely worth nice things.

Please use them, enjoy them and don't put them away to gather dust.

Saving things for best seems to be quite common, so perhaps it's a traditional thing that gets handed down. My grandparents (born late 1920s) were/are terrible for it, to the point that my grandfather was cremated in one of his "saved for best" shirts and suits! My grandmother is a bit more relaxed about it now, because she's 97 and realises that she's not going to live forever.

My mother, their daughter, also does this. She has a tea-set collection which she's had since before I was born. It wasn't until recently, when I said, "Why save it for best? You might die tomorrow, and it could be in a charity shop next week!" she was concerned that it looks too old-fashioned now. I reminded her that it didn't matter, as long as she likes it... and to be fair, they are much nicer than her trendy modern ones! I mean, square dinner plates...

I horrify them by using everything (e.g. expensive dinner set and extortionate bedding), rather than saving it for best... but maybe that's partly because I live rurally and no, I'm not nipping out to replace a bar of soap or some shampoo at 9pm! Thus, the expensive, fancy toiletries are used quite quickly in this house. Also, I refuse to deprive myself of the finer things in life. I get one life and I am going to make the most of it!

I think you need the mindset that once you’ve bought it, it’s worthless to anyone other than yourself. Incredibly little increases in value and if you did get that best occasion (trip to the palace, a wedding, Oscar ceremony) you’d want something new anyway.

The consumables is really upsetting tbh, all that waste of effort, money and goods! If you can’t bring yourself to eat or drink something give it to a foodbank or a friend. I hate it when you’ve treated someone to something and they’ve just stuffed it in a cupboard, I don’t think they’re frugal or careful, I think they don’t like what I’ve bought them and I feel sad.

Ive always thought that this is an offshoot of having a Scarcity Mindset - usually the result of poverty in childhood, even if you have more money as an adult.

Even now, I still have to NEED something, before I allow my self to buy it. Just wanting it, isn’t a good enough reason.

I am still a work in progress in tackling this. Mind you, it’s probably better than being too ‘wanty’ and going into debt. Uh-uh - there I go again, justifying my scarcity mindset!

My mother does this and it drives me bloody nuts.

Went home to look after her when she was very poorly, and was deep cleaning, sorting thing out with/for her. Five bloody years worth of Christmas paper napkins and teatowels! I apologised and told her if she didn't like these things, she should have told me and I'd have stopped sending them.

No, she LOVED them. She was just 'saving them for special.' AAAAARRGGGGH! Went through her capri pants with her. I'm not kidding you, in excess of fifty goddamn pairs of bloody capris. Clearly, at least 20 pairs had earned a viking sendoff. Another twenty were pristine. But rather than chuck the ones that were more mending than wearing, and moving on to the others - she was 'saving them for special'!!!!!

Don't get me started on bloody candles. Candles that were at least 25 years old. I convinced her that maybe it would be nice to actually use some of them, especially since she was sincere in her belief that she'd be six foot under before Christmas. She was utterly mystified that candles could get to a point where they put their legs up and snuffed it, which these poor unused specimens clearly demonstrated to us.

I’ve definitely got better at using the nice things but was influenced by dm who

is like those described on the thread, born in the war and goes on about things being for best.

it probably stems from the parlour mindset where people only used it on a Sunday