Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

Couch it to him as he doesn't have to go OP.

If I was him it would piss me off but I would also accept that I have to slap on a smile because I'm in no position to do better. I would work my ass off to get into a better position though!

I'd have put up with a lot if I'd got free childcare off either my inlaws or parents! AND they paid for last year's holiday for the whole family when her DH was out of work. They sound like really kind people! They may be outspoken but I do think it's a bit rude to take the free childcare and holidays but otherwise make it really clear you want nothing to do with them. So I can understand why you're trying to keep the peace here OP! I think I'd just go without your husband. Most people wouldn't be arsey about a free holiday and your DH can always pay for his childcare and holidays himself if he really dislikes your parents that much.

I see that, apologies to OP
Everything else still stands though, you can't arrange a holiday without speaking to your spouse first. Especially if its with people they don't much enjoy spending time with

You definitely should have discussed it with him first, it's not really on to make big family decisions like that unilaterally and it may be a really inconvenient time for him if it's thrust upon him last minute.

However, if your parents don't expect you to pay towards it then I see no reason why you can't go with them anyway, whether your DH wants to go or not. It's only a week and you can still have a family holiday together as well. I think you should couch it as 'Mum and Dad have booked a cottage to Devon and asked if we'd like to join them It's their treat again. I've said I'd love to take the children but wasn't sure about you because of your new job. It on such and such a date, do you fancy it, or shall I just take the kids and give you a break?'

So your partner doesn’t really like spending time with your parents (for pretty good reasons) yet you railroad him into a holiday with them?

I'm not suggesting a veto, I am suggesting they discuss it with everything on the table. If he makes good arguments as to why she shouldn't go, then she shouldn't. The chances are he won't even try to.

I mean, yes, obviously there are worse things than the advice you gave. "Worst advice imaginable" was hyperbole.

If it was me, I'd go and have a nice break with my parents and children. They will probably be delighted that they get you to themselves without the tension DH would bring. DH can stay home and crack on with his work and bypass a holiday with the in-laws. You can sell this as a win-win.

I would be absolutely furious if DP organised a holiday behind my back. I would be even more angry if the holiday was with his parents who he knew I didn’t get on with. The outcome would be a massive row, and me refusing to either go on, or pay for, that holiday. I simply will not be treated like that. Ever.

My sympathies are entirely with your DH in this case OP. He deserves an apology, an assurance that nothing of this sort will ever happen again, and to be assured that there is no pressure or expectation that he will go on this holiday.

This. Also, your husband is a taker? He is OK when your parents babysit, book you a holiday when you can't afford one, give you lifts, etc. But he does not like them.... Interesting.

They cease to be your primary family, that’s your husband/partner and children, that should come first

Don't you think that when she brings it up, the offer of nobody going on the holiday should not go along with it as well as "he's not expected to come"? If it was me on the receiving end, that would go a hell of a long way to making me feel better about it.

Even if it was someone I liked, I’d be annoyed that there’s been a conversation that no one bothered to include me in and then they booked a place and time that suits them and just expected me to make myself free. Your parents ‘help’ a lot but it seems like there’s a lot of (quite nasty) strings for that help.

You just need to put NO pressure on him to come. Make it an invitation, no strings, not a summons.

And talk about a family holiday.

It’s an easy get out wrt telling your parents: he can’t get time off new work.

Yes, good point.

He doesn't sound even remotely awful to me. The OP has admitted her parents are very full-on, ignore boundaries and are overly opinionated and pushy.

OP, you were bang out of order to agree to a holiday with your parents without consulting your DH and I think your relationship with your parents sounds suffocating and overly enmeshed. I can tell just from what you've said that I would find your parents difficult to spend time with and I can see why your DH isn't keen on them taking over what could be your private family holiday time with just you and the kids.

There are regularly posts on here that say things like "My DH's parents mean well and are helpful to us but they are very over-involved in our lives and we see them constantly. They are very opinionated people and like to have things their own way. They do ignore boundaries sometimes when it comes to us and our kids and they've made it clear to my DH that they think I'm cold and distant because I don't want to be around them every minute of the day. We went on holiday with them last year and although they meant well, a week in their company was incredibly stressful and I couldn't handle being with them the whole time, it was just too much. My DH knows this but still agreed, on the whole family's behalf, to go on a holiday with them AGAIN which has now been booked and agreed without even asking me first. AIBU to be annoyed?" and everyone invariably tells the OP that their DH is awful and should have consulted her and that she shouldn't have to go. This is no different.

Agree 👆
Sounds like op has a lovely relationship with her parents as do children, GPs are very supportive and involved ie childcare, why is it there in the wrong here why doing something nice and being supportive, some of the comments here are not nice re GP, yes ok op hasn't told h yet but bloody hell, she's spending time with them, guessing his family are LC no support but hay guessing that's OK,
Op just have the conversation with h,
You go and have a nice time with them,

Your mum is overstepping the boundaries here, you need to look at things from your DHs point of view.

Although meant kindly, she seems to have pressed you into this behind your DH's back. If it has to be cancelled surely she can get her money back - or find other guests maybe, so the sooner you do it the less damage.

Be upfront with DH and say 'I'm really sorry I haven't mentioned this before, I've been worrying about what to do. Mum has booked another holiday for us all. What shall we do about it?'

OP if my husband did this I would hit the roof. You are right to be worried you have gone behind his back. I would say you and the kids are going he can come if he likes. No pressure.

You just say "DH, my parents have kindly treated us to a holiday again this year. I understand if you can't make the whole week, but obviously we want you to be there if you can get the time off".

That gives him a get out clause to go for as long or as little as he wants.

If he says that he would rather save his time off for you to go away with DC then you agree to that as well.

This.

I’ve read your update and they sound exactly like my in laws. Intrusive and overbearing.

I can’t stand them, I would genuinely be happy if I never saw them again for the rest of my life. I put on a smile for DH but he knows there’s tension. I would be furious if he did this behind my back. I definitely wouldn’t be going.

@Daisydiary at the risk of using a MN cliche, try reversing the sexes. Imagine OP’s DH has overbearing parents, who are loud and forthright, expressing opinions where it’s not wanted, and feeling entitled to do this because they help with childcare. Imagine OP’s parents aren’t like that - they’re calmer, and they don’t force their opinions on others. Then imagine OP doesn’t get on with her in laws, but her DH has booked a holiday with them anyway, without telling her, even though he knows she won’t like it.
If that was the situation, would you say OP was alienating her DH from his parents?

I think that he will ask how long has it been booked for etc. Otherwise surely the reaction would be ‘when do we need to decide by’. Seeing as the OP is clearly feeling bad and knows she should have discussed it at the time or fore now, it’ll be the withholding of discussion I would predict be the thing, understandably (though I have sympathy with the OP). I still think there’s no way round but for honesty and take from there.

I don't see where it says her mum pressed her into it behind her husbands back. She probably assumes the op talks to her husband!
I went away with my mum and my children on several occasions, husband was happy to stay at home. Age has shown me how very differently different families work but communication is the key. It's not wrong to go with or without him . It's not wrong to keep your parents in your life when you marry!! . Just talk to each other.

Good ol mumsnet - if the genders were reversed this would be a classic overbearing MIL situation

This is very job-dependent - in my company, very few people have their summer holidays booked in yet.