Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

I absolutely understand your position in the middle, this is a very similar dynamic to mine with differing families! It's a tricky one to navigate, he might not be happy either way so best rip the plaster off

I'd just tell him mum booked a holiday from this date to this date can you book leave. If he can't or doesn't want to just go alone with the kids. No pressure on him at all.

With your mum being opinionated. You can't really tell someone to mind their buisness when you've put them in your buisness and there's no way of you functioning without them there. His mum doesn't get involved but she also doesn't get involved in providing your childcare or paying for stuff for you. Your parents are supporting you and that comes at a cost. If he doesn't like it then he / you as a couple needs to bare the cost of childcare and change the dynamics.

I think just let him know. Next year I would check in before booking.

If they wouldn't expect you to pay then I really can't see the problem. If he doesn't want to come, he stays at home and that's fine. You can't have free child care and not expect to have a relationship with them. Your husband sounds a bit controlling. The fact that you're afraid to tell him when it doesn't affect him in anyway ie he's not paying, and he won't be forced to go, rings alarm bells for me.

Why you are so afraid of him? This dynamic is not healthy. Please take some power back. As the other poster said , just tell him you are going and if he wants he can join you.

I don’t see that from the post. The ‘reaction’ she’s worried about isn’t abusive, it’s just not want she wants to hear. It’s understandable that she’d not want to hear it and then put off the conversation.

OP you could lay your cards on the table and explain that you’d put off telling him because you knew me might have a lot going on and not be that keen on going. You
lpve your parents so it’s hard when someone isn’t enthusiastic, but you know he’s got the right to not want to go and you’re sorry. Can he do the same thing - join for a few night?

Whilst I don't think by doing one holiday you are obliged to do more. It seems a bit of a user move to only do one with them when you can't afford your own.

My parents are similar op and my mum would book a holiday after finding a suitable one and getting over excited.
In your shoes I'd just say "oh btw mum has booked a holiday for us all - it's X dates and Y place. I know you don't always get on but I'd appreciate it if you came along" or something and then say about booking a family holiday for just yourselves later in the year.

Not if it's been offered.

wow I am on team DH here and wouldn't like to spend a holiday with the "say it like it is" team either....and wow you didn't discuss it with him or tell him?

My family are a lot bigger and noisier than DHs I know it can be a bit much for him sometimes , he's an only child and his dad's siblings are all much older than him so his cousins that side are all the same generation as my aunts and uncles, and he doesn't have any on his mum's side, so get togethers were fairly sedate adult affairs, whereas I grew up with big noisy family gatherings with cousins running about everywhere ( I am one of 32 across both sides) , aunts, uncles etc.

I still cannot imagine not being able to tell him my parents had booked a holiday for us and had asked before they did so, this is not something that was sprung on the OP. I would've mentioned it before it was booked, oh mum and dad have offered to take us away again this year what do you think we had such a lovely time last year. Etc.

Last year was fine because he was hardly there op!

Do you want to go with your parents? And they are happy to pay or not? It’s unclear.

IF they are happy to pay then ofc you can go and invite dh if he wants to come. Just say you are going with dc and would love him to join if he wants to

You can pay for your own family holiday together if funds allow.

If you are expected to pay then no I wouldn’t go. You need to tell your mother that the job isn’t going as well as you had hoped, and you are not in a position to pay. They can go without you.

You need to deal with this now and not let it fester. Never agree to anything without discussion first, it’s really important to have that trust and agreement in a marriage.

But in what way is this putting her husband (or her kids) behind her parents? Presumably the kids will really enjoy the holiday with their grandparents. And her DH can choose whether he comes along or does what he did last year or just has a rest by himself at home. I would 100% not be disappointed if DH said he wanted to take the kids to stay with his family but that if I wanted to I could stay home. But then our holidays this year are two weeks with my parents and siblings and one week with DH's extended family!

I agree the more normal thing would have been to raise it with her DH at the time it was discussed but clearly there's some problem there. And it's not that OP didn't consider her DH. She did and was worried about his reaction so kept putting off having the conversation. Have you never done that? Not necessarily with your partner but at work or with a friend or something. I think the phrase "we are where we are" and "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago..." are applicable here rather than giving the OP a kicking.

You need to reign in how much your parents do for you and they are way too involved in your lives. I’m not surprised your DH feels as he does. Your priorities lie with him and your DC, not your parents.

Take a big step away from your parents and concentrate on your DH.

Even if your parents are paying (which is nice of them), they shouldn’t be booking it without checking everyone is able to come (if they want to). Surely they discussed dates etc with you? At that point you should have said “Sounds great, let me just check with DH and see if he’s happy with it” before they booked anything.

Booking a holiday without consulting everyone who’s going first can be a bit manipulative - no one can complain because they’re being taken on holiday, but they can’t really get out of it either, without a bit of a fuss.

(My ILs have a bit of form for this, and at one stage I just said that I wasn’t going anywhere unless I was consulted first on the date, location and cost. It actually really improved our relationship because it opened up communication in a way that didn’t exist before (DH and his siblings had always just done what they were told)).

I bet the DH wants the free childcare though!

They did they asked OP, she is in the wrong not them

Shes obviously close with her parents - nothing wrong with that. the DH is happy to accept free childcare isn't he? So he can use them for his own advantage?? Doesn't sound very good of him to me.
we completely rely on them for free childcare.

I'd do this too. I think that when you agreed to the holiday being booked without even asking him first you somewhat sacrifice the right to expect him to go as well.

I'm not giving the OP a kicking - I agree with the OP. She realises she's dug herself a hole and wants the best way to get out of it. My comments are aimed at those claiming she's done nothing wrong and should just tell him she's going and that's that.

The best way for her to get out of the hole is to tell him her mother went ahead and booked this without asking properly and start the conversation from there as to whether all of them, some of them or none of them go.

He'll probably be fine with her and the kids going as long as she doesn't say it's already arranged and she can't let her parents down no matter what the cost (not necessarily financially) to them as a couple.

I think you are treating him like a wallet not a husband. Why on earth don’t you want to plan a holiday with your own husband???? Surely if he’s working hard at a job he doesn’t like a week in a tent together would be better than your time off being the add on to your wife’s family’s holiday? It’s SO unkind of you @Neverwasaraisingirl

While I agree that this should have been discussed beforehand. But I don't really see this whole thing as an ultimatum type thing. Eventhough it is agreed, it can still be a discussion. And husband veto-ing it is not much better than agreeing without him. I do think members of a couple can still make their own plans without significant consulting from partner if it doesnt affect their joint finances and it isn't anything big I can't really see being upset if my partner announces he will take the kids to see his father in a few months time and they'll take the train.

Totally fine to agree to disagree. I just think the worst advice imaginable (outside of murder) would be not to tell him. Just pack his bag and announce it in the morning that you're all going. Or going with the kids while he's at work and just leave a note.

Also agree that you should present it as you going with the kids & your folks & he’s welcome to join if he wants for some of it.

Agree he will likely enjoy having the house to himself.

You parents probably won’t be bothered as its most likely you and the kids they want to spend time away with.

Whereas I would be very pissed off with my husband if he booked a holiday and expected me to go with his parents without asking me. If he wants to go with them alone, that’s fair enough. Especially if they are kindly paying.

The only thing I’m unsure of is if you work @Neverwasaraisingirl will this use up annual leave you would have used to go away with your husband & kids?

Agree with this. Everyone has different family norms, when you marry someone you need to accept that and adjust to their family to some degree. Your parents sound great, and as though you are a close family. Your husband should make a bit of effort with them because that is part of caring for you.

I'm not sure not wanting to spend a week in a confined space with your inlaws is quite the same as trying to alienate someone from them. I'm not sure I'd fancy a week in a holiday cottage with my own parents let alone the in laws. I just like my own space.