Can I ask what you do when you say no and someone just ignores you?

[iamnotaprincessbutisortofam]

So this is a thread where I hope people won’t start going on about implausible aggressive responses as I do have to work with this person.

My colleague is almost certainly ND, which is relevant. Also has a young son with quite severe special needs and he is very sweet. We had lunch before Christmas and her son was there and was quite taken with a fluffy cardigan I was wearing and kept stroking it. I didn’t think anything of it and thought it was quite sweet. He also took my hand and started stroking it. He’s only about six so not a problem.

As ridiculous as this will sound colleague has started trying to do the same to me: grabbing my hand and starting to stroke it and tickle it, asking me to tickle her (I know; cringing myself a bit here). She will literally sit next to me and suddenly grab my hand and start trying to stroke it.

It’s starting to make me really uncomfortable, and while I don’t think there’s anything sexual in the overtures for a moment it’s very intimate and even if we WERE in a relationship it wouldn’t be appropriate at work. It’s really embarrassing when she suddenly says ‘tickle me!’ in the staffroom as if it’s something we routinely do: it isn’t.

I’ve been really firm about not doing it - I grab my hand away, she grabs it back, I say stop it, she pouts and says ‘awwww!’ then does it again - I end up having to move away. It isn’t all the time but once she starts trying to do it it’s really, really difficult to stop her.

We’re both female by the way.

We are friends although I do find her a little bit awkward at work as she is attached to me to the point it’s sometimes a bit hard to get any work done, and I really don’t want to cause any trouble, but I really need her to stop with the grabbing and stroking.

I guess I’m wondering how others would deal with it, and also if others understand why I find it so uncomfortable.

I would say "why do you keep doing that when I've said no?"

And if it continued I'd just avoid spending time with her.

Get off me! Now!
Don’t touch me!
That should do it.

@DenholmElliot11 she literally follows me around, the only break I get is if I go to the toilet and she waits outside!

The more I type the more I realise it’s actually quite isolating as it stops me talking to others.

It doesn’t seem to matter what I say or how I say it re the tickling - I should probably yell or something but it’s no guarantee it will work. Sigh.

I think I would say 'please stop doing that, I have said no, I don't like it'. On repeat if needed, getting firmer.

Have you told her it makes you uncomfortable? Make it clear why you are saying no would be my advice

Yep I’d find it uncomfortable too.

with some people you just have to spell things out - ‘I’m really not comfortable with xxx, I’ve asked you to stop, I do need you to respect that’ etc. And then at extreme - ‘I’m going to have to complain to HR/manager if you carry on’ - and if they still don’t stop, make sure you follow through.

The tricky bit for many of us is riding out the feelings of guilt and discomfort for being firm. But you have to remember that it’s them who’s being rude, not you, and your guilt, although uncomfortable, will pass.

If this was a male colleague doing it how would you respond and what would you do?

because I think there in lies your answer.

you assume it’s not sexual. But this is harassment whether sexual harassment or not. It’s physical assault when someone grabs you when you’ve said no.

yiu may not want to rock the boat. But so far your actions have failed to solve the situation.

Speak to HR? This is REALLY off.

I'd send something by email and if she did it after that, tell your manager.

You'll have to lay it out straight and plain that if she doesn't desist, you will have no option other than to report her.

If she does it again then report her.

ETA: I meant to say lay it out in an email.

Stand up, put your hand in front of you and in a loud voice you say NO. I have told you to stop touching me. If you do it again I will make a complaint.

Then if she does it again, make a complaint.

I said ‘at extreme’.

Use a rising scale:

• don't do that (because...)
• I told you not to do that
• [stern face, eye contact if possible] STOP doing that NOW

It doesn’t matter if she is ND. Her behaviour is inappropriate and to be honest could be treated as harassment because she is physically grabbing you and making you feel uncomfortable at work. If you have HR in your place please speak to them.
Im afraid you will have to be very firm with your colleague.

Be very specific with her " I don't want you to touch me, I do not want to tickle you, you are making me uncomfortable. Stop all of that."
If she does it again tell her you see it as an assault/harrassment and will escalate it formally if she continues.

You have to be very blunt.

“Stop trying to touch and stroke me. I don’t like it and I have told you this many times. It’s harassment and if you continue I will have to report you to HR”.

Be loud so others can hear.

You have already tried many times so if she does it again report and also mention the following you around.

It is not something you should have to endure in the workplace regardless of ND.

Thanks. I definitely need to be a lot firmer about it. I have said no but I need to really reinforce it I think.

I think the issue is it’s just so bloody odd that it’s one of those things that’s just so strange you’re sort of left so taken aback it’s hard to know how to deal with it.

I do like her as well, I just find this particular habit really uncomfortable.

It’s very strange behaviour, not surprising you are floored. Like a small child getting attached to you and not understanding their advances are unwelcome.
Id talk to a manager or HR about this. Perhaps they can set down some protocols for staff behaviour including no touching or following around, and pull her up when necessary.

If I spoke to a manager she’d be in danger of losing her job as she’s on a final warning. And I do genuinely like her (when she’s not trying to stroke me!) and moreover as the lone parent to a very vulnerable child I do have to consider that too. I definitely need to deal with it myself.

I think it IS extreme.

We are conditioned to be very polite and apologetic when telling someone "no". We might smile or laugh and try not to upset / anger them. Often that is very wise and keeps us alive. In this circumstance it might be necessary to make sure your body language and tone match your words. Don't smile or apologise.

I have had exactly this scenario in work. Long story short, a new member of staff is refusing to do a specific task. He has twice done it to me and I’ve made it clear he can’t continue to do so but I don’t think he’s taken it on board. it’s been raised to his manager.

He puts you off objecting by getting all agitated and shouting but next time he does it I’m not going to give in.

As a parent of children with ASD, they have to be explicitly told social rules to understand when something isn't ok.

I'd catch her the next time you see her and with a fairly short preamble so the message doesn't get lost, say that you like having her as a colleague so that's why you're telling her, then explicitly state what behaviour you're finding uncomfortable and that she needs to please stop. Don't wait for the next time she does it as she might be sensory seeking and not in a rational receptive frame of mind.

Sorry I misread your meaning!

Tickling is a kink for some. Possibly not for her, but it is one of several reasons I wouldn't like this.

Ignoring you saying no and sticking to you like velcro is unacceptable, especially in the workplace.