Can I ask what you do when you say no and someone just ignores you?

[iamnotaprincessbutisortofam]

So this is a thread where I hope people won’t start going on about implausible aggressive responses as I do have to work with this person.

My colleague is almost certainly ND, which is relevant. Also has a young son with quite severe special needs and he is very sweet. We had lunch before Christmas and her son was there and was quite taken with a fluffy cardigan I was wearing and kept stroking it. I didn’t think anything of it and thought it was quite sweet. He also took my hand and started stroking it. He’s only about six so not a problem.

As ridiculous as this will sound colleague has started trying to do the same to me: grabbing my hand and starting to stroke it and tickle it, asking me to tickle her (I know; cringing myself a bit here). She will literally sit next to me and suddenly grab my hand and start trying to stroke it.

It’s starting to make me really uncomfortable, and while I don’t think there’s anything sexual in the overtures for a moment it’s very intimate and even if we WERE in a relationship it wouldn’t be appropriate at work. It’s really embarrassing when she suddenly says ‘tickle me!’ in the staffroom as if it’s something we routinely do: it isn’t.

I’ve been really firm about not doing it - I grab my hand away, she grabs it back, I say stop it, she pouts and says ‘awwww!’ then does it again - I end up having to move away. It isn’t all the time but once she starts trying to do it it’s really, really difficult to stop her.

We’re both female by the way.

We are friends although I do find her a little bit awkward at work as she is attached to me to the point it’s sometimes a bit hard to get any work done, and I really don’t want to cause any trouble, but I really need her to stop with the grabbing and stroking.

I guess I’m wondering how others would deal with it, and also if others understand why I find it so uncomfortable.

I have a colleague like this, she will ask staff to give her hugs, squeeze her hands, say specific phrases or make specific voices. It is partly sensory seeking and partly I think difficulties with appropriate social interaction, she’s also ND which makes some people anxious about telling her to stop and when she is told to stop she will do so at the time, but will then do it again later, and again and again and again.

What has worked with this colleague is being clear in telling her not to do it and having this conversation outside of the times when she is displaying those behaviours and presenting it as a serious conversation. I’m neurodiverse and it can be hard to read behind the lines sometimes, you tell her to stop when she’s doing it and she stops in the moment but then later she does it again, you’re getting frustrated because you feel that you’re making it clear you don’t like it with your body language and response, but she probably isn’t able to read these cues due to being ND. She is hearing ‘stop it now’ when she does it and stops but isn’t then able to read between the lines and see that what you really mean is ‘stop it and never do it again because I don’t like it.’

Dropping hints and expecting her to infer what you mean probably isn’t going to work if she is ND. You need to spell it out clearly and bluntly to your friend that you want this to stop permanently and you need to do this at a time when the behaviour is not occurring. I would also present a clear consequence for if she doesn’t stop the behaviour, eg: you will stop sitting next to her or have to stop meeting up with her. You will know if it would be better face-to-face, over the phone or via a message but you need to tell her:

’Friend, I don’t like it when you ask me to tickle you or when you stroke me, I find it uncomfortable and annoying. I don’t want you to do this again and if you keep doing it I will have to stop spending time with you at work. Please don’t do this anymore.’

Obviously if she still doesn’t stop maybe you will need to escalate it further, but it sounds like the problem here really is that you haven’t spelt out how you feel about the behaviour clearly and bluntly, you’ve just dropped hints and expected her to pick up on them which often just will not work if somebody is ND because not picking up on social cues or being able to read between the lines is often a significant impact of the disability.