Can I ask what you do when you say no and someone just ignores you?

[iamnotaprincessbutisortofam]

So this is a thread where I hope people won’t start going on about implausible aggressive responses as I do have to work with this person.

My colleague is almost certainly ND, which is relevant. Also has a young son with quite severe special needs and he is very sweet. We had lunch before Christmas and her son was there and was quite taken with a fluffy cardigan I was wearing and kept stroking it. I didn’t think anything of it and thought it was quite sweet. He also took my hand and started stroking it. He’s only about six so not a problem.

As ridiculous as this will sound colleague has started trying to do the same to me: grabbing my hand and starting to stroke it and tickle it, asking me to tickle her (I know; cringing myself a bit here). She will literally sit next to me and suddenly grab my hand and start trying to stroke it.

It’s starting to make me really uncomfortable, and while I don’t think there’s anything sexual in the overtures for a moment it’s very intimate and even if we WERE in a relationship it wouldn’t be appropriate at work. It’s really embarrassing when she suddenly says ‘tickle me!’ in the staffroom as if it’s something we routinely do: it isn’t.

I’ve been really firm about not doing it - I grab my hand away, she grabs it back, I say stop it, she pouts and says ‘awwww!’ then does it again - I end up having to move away. It isn’t all the time but once she starts trying to do it it’s really, really difficult to stop her.

We’re both female by the way.

We are friends although I do find her a little bit awkward at work as she is attached to me to the point it’s sometimes a bit hard to get any work done, and I really don’t want to cause any trouble, but I really need her to stop with the grabbing and stroking.

I guess I’m wondering how others would deal with it, and also if others understand why I find it so uncomfortable.

That would really annoy me, I would tell her - firmly- to stop doing it. Then every time she does say “I have told you to spot doing that”. Again, say it firmly.

Its very odd indeed.you need to step away from this person. She has far overstepped boundaries and won't accept no. If she is on a final warning I can see why you are reluctant to speak to the management. But what's the alternative?.To carry on accepting this outrageous unwanted behaviour.

Just tell, look, I like you as a friend but when I tell you not to do something that I’ve told you not to it pisses me off and if you want me to continue to be your friend you have to stop doing it. Tell her you don’t like her that way and it’s affecting how you feel about her and about work. Tell her it must never happen again. You’ve told her numerous times and she’s not respecting your boundaries and you will end the friendship if it doesn’t stop.

Is her final warning for similar behaviour?
you have to say “ I don’t want you to touch me, I don’t like it, don’t do it again.”

If you are friends you presumably have her number? I would message a clear but kind message - I need you to understand that holding or stroking my hand makes me very uncomfortable and I am asking to you to completely stop doing it. I also feel uncomfortable when you ask me to tickle you. Tickling is not something I would ever do with a friend or in the workplace. Please stop asking me to do it. Thank you for respecting my request for vote of these to stop.

You're close enough to spend time with her and her child. Why haven't you privately spoken to her about this?

"Liz, I'm really uncomfortable when you grab my hand. I don't want to tickle you. Please stop."

I’m a big fan of volume and profanity, but get it’s not for everyone. So maybe something like ‘I really don’t want to fall out with you over this, but I don’t like it when you touch me or when you ask me to tickle you. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t want to cause problems for you but I’m not going to tolerate it anymore. You’ve left me with no choice. The next time you do it, I’m going to lodge a formal complaint with your line manager’.

Be blunt. "No Don't touch me".Very clear facial expression, no apology, nothing. Any follow up from her, you say CLEARLY " I don't want to touch you or be touched by you. We are adults and it's not appropriate".
Re: tickling, a clear "you are an adult. I'm not going to touch you"

Im autistic myself and simply can't stand being touched, it feels like a cheese grater on my skin and is extremely distracting and it's been really hard when I've encountered people like this OP.

When I explain early on in a friendship that I don't like hugs and being touched, they will say they understand but then when I get goosebumps and shivers when they rub my arm or whatever (I literally can't control it) they seem to get offended and like they thought me not liking physical contact only applied to other people.

I have come across five people who have been persistent in keeping to try the arm stroking or hair twirling shit after being told no and who also do the "awww" for me to give in, four of them have diagnosed BPD and the other has some heavy childhood trauma.

My sister's best friend hugs into her arm while they sit and watch tv, at the cinema, and plays with my sisters hair, she'll ask my sister to stroke her back or arm and then the mate falls asleep, my sister doesn't mind it and indulges it because it's how her friend gets emotional comfort.
Did you see all those Wicked promo interviews when Cynthia and Ariana were very touchy and strokey? I've seen many people say it's a sign of a close amazing friendship, maybe your mate sees it like that too, a bonding thing but it doesn't really matter her reason , you don't like it and she should respect that.

You need to be extremely clear. Don’t use nuanced language in a attempt to be polite as she may not pick up on it.

No I am not tickling you. Lease stop asking
let go of my hand please
i I need to work can you go back to your desk please

As someone with a ND spouse, child and various friends, I like this answer best.

Being very direct and very clear in a kindly way is necessary (as an aside, British culture struggles with this.)

Nope to the HR responses. Family of Neurodivergence and if we say Don't touch me it means keep your weird little grabby hands to yourself.

Obviously that phrase will not work, but you can say no, ND people don't melt into oblivion if told 'you can't do that because I don't like it'.

If ignored THEN go to HR.

Addendum If an ND person does something involving a third party and the third party doesn't say 'no'. The ND will assume it's ok or possibly even part of a ritual that you are both willing participants of.

Tell her No, stop touching me. There is a very real possibility she thinks you are both part of a habit

I agree you have to be clear and concise
”Don’t do that”
Stop doing that I don’t like it”
”Stop doing that now”

You pull away and show in your facial expression that you’re not comfortable.

HR.

OP stated she hasn't said she doesn't like it, she hasn't ever said No (Despite the thread title) there is no description of OP ever having said "Don't do that I don't like it" the op is just silently hoping this colleague will 'get it'.

OP you have to tell her no. Thinking it and going to the toilet hoping she's waiting for you (how she understood what happened) is not the same thing

I do like her as well, I just find this particular habit really uncomfortable.

If she is ND (sounds like she is) YOU MUST TELL HER NO DO NOT TOUCH ME. I DO NOT LIKE IT.
Be bloody rude. If I want to my eldest son to understand I have to be rude, you're trying to use nuance(hiding in the toilets) It's a waste of time.

I would be reporting it to be honest.

Or just keep telling them no. They must get the message at some point, surely?

@CapybaraInMyGardenOhIWish She would have to start saying no to keep telling them.

I would feel considerable disdain for a colleague who went to HR in these circumstances.

Tell her to stop clearly and if she doesn’t go to HR. You matter too @iamnotaprincessbutisortofam

How does she get any work done if she's following you around all day?

I don't know how you've managed to tolerate it so far!

What happens if you talk to other colleagues? Does she get jealous or try and intervene?

It really is peculiar behaviour for a grown woman.

You might need to put something in writing to her seeing as verbal communication isn't working.

Absolutely no. OP you need to get seriously harsh in your responses here, step away and a stern "Nope! No thank you!"
The absolute only reason I would give another chance here before reporting is because it seems you may have blurred boundaries and this person seems to defo need extra supports (not your fault at all but I see why you wouldn't want to go from somewhat pals to reporting)
One more chance and get absolutely ruthless in your responses to these awful touches

Unwanted touching is a definition of assault. I would be very firm and tell her that if she doesn’t stop you will have to speak to your manager and you are aware that if you do that she will probably key lose her job which is why you are giving her an opportunity to stop now. If she chooses to continue then she will have to live with the consequences. Harsh maybe, but you shouldn’t have to put up with her inappropriate behaviour.

I would turn to face her, look directly at her and say:

"I understand touching makes you feel good, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. I like you very much, but I need you to stop asking me to tickle you. It drains me emotionally. I am choosing to talk to you directly rather than get HR involved because I really like working with you".

And if she continues, you do need to report her. It is the only way she will learn and being ND is no excuse to explicitly ignore boundaries again and again. It then goes in to harassment and abusive behaviour.

I am ND and I would find her so overwhelming it would make me want to find a new job. It would push me out if she wouldn't stop and that behaviour isn't okay.