Can I ask what you do when you say no and someone just ignores you?

[iamnotaprincessbutisortofam]

So this is a thread where I hope people won’t start going on about implausible aggressive responses as I do have to work with this person.

My colleague is almost certainly ND, which is relevant. Also has a young son with quite severe special needs and he is very sweet. We had lunch before Christmas and her son was there and was quite taken with a fluffy cardigan I was wearing and kept stroking it. I didn’t think anything of it and thought it was quite sweet. He also took my hand and started stroking it. He’s only about six so not a problem.

As ridiculous as this will sound colleague has started trying to do the same to me: grabbing my hand and starting to stroke it and tickle it, asking me to tickle her (I know; cringing myself a bit here). She will literally sit next to me and suddenly grab my hand and start trying to stroke it.

It’s starting to make me really uncomfortable, and while I don’t think there’s anything sexual in the overtures for a moment it’s very intimate and even if we WERE in a relationship it wouldn’t be appropriate at work. It’s really embarrassing when she suddenly says ‘tickle me!’ in the staffroom as if it’s something we routinely do: it isn’t.

I’ve been really firm about not doing it - I grab my hand away, she grabs it back, I say stop it, she pouts and says ‘awwww!’ then does it again - I end up having to move away. It isn’t all the time but once she starts trying to do it it’s really, really difficult to stop her.

We’re both female by the way.

We are friends although I do find her a little bit awkward at work as she is attached to me to the point it’s sometimes a bit hard to get any work done, and I really don’t want to cause any trouble, but I really need her to stop with the grabbing and stroking.

I guess I’m wondering how others would deal with it, and also if others understand why I find it so uncomfortable.

I think you need to raise it with management. It's not ok for her to follow you around everywhere, it's totally unnecessary and how can it be an efficient use of her working hours? She's stalking you at work in plain sight!

As it stands at the moment, anyone who you haven't told about it is going to look at the situation as an outsider and because you're not making a fuss they'd perhaps think you two are in a relationship, are having a minor disagreement and turn a blind eye to the awkwardness of it all.

As you say, it's isolating. I wouldn't be so sure that isn't her intention really, both the isolation and trying to turn your friendship into something more. I personally don't agree with it because it seems like using someone to me, but I've come across a few people who do go primarily for someone who's good with their child, when seeking a partner.

When she asks you to tickle her I'd say "why on earth would I do that?!" and look horrified. At the least it'll make people witnessing it realise she's being weird and question if they've misread it before and you're not together. When she grabs your hand tell her to stop touching you and do it loud enough that others nearby can hear.

Her ND affects how management deal with it, not whether you should put up with it. It's ridiculous she's even following you to the toilet. How can you even go knowing she's on the other side of the door listening. I think you need to stop being friends with her. Civil when you need to be - hello, goodbye, questions about work, but nothing more. No smiles, sitting next to her, telling her anything personal or asking about her life. Her obsession or infatuation has gotten way out of hand and she might take any positive attention at all to be encouragement.

I would take her aside at a time when it's not happening and tell her that what she is doing is inappropriate and needs to stop. You do not want her to touch you or ask you to tickle her again. It's not normal behaviour and if she does it again you will have no choice but to report her.

Be explicitly clear and calm.

I'm not saying she's necessarily doing this to be deliberately manipulative or that she's abusive (although both could equally be true too) but that bit in the middle is exactly how people feel when their "lovely partner" starts abusive behaviour and why they don't tell them to fuck off instantly and break off the relationship, it's so easy to get sucked into tolerating escalating bad behaviour until one day the person turns round with their self esteem in tatters and thinks how did I end up here?

To avoid becoming further isolated, can you use the work message system to arrange to spend lunch break with one of the colleagues you like, go off-site and confide in them what's been happening? You could do with someone who'll chat to you at work and not excuse themselves when nuisance friend starts following you or taking over the conversation or being all over-friendly and making the other person you're with feel uncomfortable. Lots of people faced with any of that would think they were in the way between you two and act accordingly. You need someone who understands you're being harassed and who'll stay put while you tell nuisance friend no you're speaking with X now.

Why? That’s literally what they’re there for!

I think the ND is obviously playing a part in her behaviour because as you’ve said, no matter how close a relationship is, the workplace is not the place for this.
I would suggest discussing this with your line manager and explaining exactly that you have here. You’ve asked her to stop and she hasn’t, so you need to go to the next level. Given her ND it’s understandable you need extra support here.

Straight to HR and have it documented. You don't want to get to a point were you raise your voice or perhaps just speak firmly, and she cries. That could involve HR and you'd be left trying to explain all the undocumented harassment that led to it.

I would ask her for a chat over a coffee, and tell her you are very fond of her as a friend, but the tickling has to stop as it’s entirely inappropriate, and most not happen again. I would escalate with HR if she continues.

It is a form of harassment.

You need to email her.
You have evidence if she cries on you when you next say now.
She needs to hear it "out of the moment" as when she's doing that she's maybe not processing it in the same way.
I would probably tell my manager soon so nothing gets twisted like her crying when you said no. She's on her last warning so she may try to blame you

Yes I'm almost certain this falls under the legal definition of harrassment. Your employer is legally required to have a policy for dealing with such matters. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can firmly state that the behaviour is unacceptable and then walk away. But whether you do or not, you should absolutely consider making a complaint to a manager / HR. The fact she may be ND does not mean you have to put up with this if it is unwanted and making you feel uncomfortable.

In a firm, serious voice, said slowly, when you are on your own with her: "MYRTLE. I have told you before - I do not like the way you keep grabbing my hand, touching me and asking me to tickle you. I do not like the way you follow me around. It all makes me feel very uncomfortable and as if I don’t want to be anywhere near you. PLEASE STOP or I will have to avoid you completely or even speak to (HR/boss) about it." Then walk away. No discussion.

She's on her last warning for what..?

This does sound hard op. I agree with pps, you need to be very clear and unapologetic with her now. Allowed to escalate or continue this is only going to end in tears.

You are doing her no favours if you allow this to carry on. I would be clear you’ll report it if it continues. She is being grossly inappropriate. She is not a child fgs.

If I were you I'd send her an email or message saying very simply and clearly that you don't like the touching, stroking and tickling. Then if she does it again you could say "this behaviour is what I was talking about in my email. Stop it."

Thanks.

Just to raise a few points, I have definitely said no, but I agree I need to escalate how I say no. It can be hard as it’s often in public (it was during a fucking meeting last week!) so obviously I don’t want to be yelling and screaming and disturbing the meeting. That was when I ended up moving away.

To the poster who was confused as to why I haven’t raised it with her when I’m close enough to her to spend time with her and her son - that’s why, really, if it isn’t too contradictory. If it was someone I didn’t know at all or only vaguely it’s so much easier to be a bit more ‘what the hell are you doing!?’ but when it’s someone you’re friends with you obviously don’t want to be horrible. That said, just saying no (and I have) repeatedly and don’t do that and stop it just haven’t worked, so I do need to up the game.

And have you ever been ‘in these circumstances ‘ ?

Do tell us how you showed off your halo.

She’s done it in a meeting?! What on earth have your colleagues said to you about it?

You sound a kind person and you’re trying to be a good friend, but I think this has the capacity to cause you serious problems if you don’t handle this correctly. I would speak to her away from work and say it must stop, you don’t like it and it’s massively inappropriate. Tell her it’s making you very uncomfortable and she must not do it again. If she subsequently does it again, you need to speak to your line manager at the very least.

I’m curious as to why she’s an a final warning and whether that’s related to inappropriate behaviour too.

Ask your/her manager to deal with it, and if she still doesn't stop, HR.

What a fucking weirdo! You don’t have to put up with this and you don’t have to feel bad that it’s happening to you. Next time she does it, I’d be tempted to bat her away hard, saying she made you jump. If she gets hurt, tough. It’s a reflex reaction to unwanted and unexpected contact. Might just work!

This is so weird! Genuinely can’t imagine a colleague behaving like this. I would tell her that if it continues you’re going to have to report it to HR.

Sure. I said "Halo everybody!"

The touching you in a meeting is too far Op, moving away was for the best and will help reinforce your No. You've tried being nice, now be blunt, it's a No and if she doesn't stop you won't be happy to see her

i think they were also saying to go to HR - and that the behaviour is really off.

Yeah … I’ve certainly never worked with anyone like her before! And that’s not to say that’s all bad; she is kind in her own way and she’s been through a rough time of late.

It wouldn’t be fair to outline the warning and reasons for it as this is so identifiable if she or any of my colleagues read it.

As to what colleagues think - honestly this is a bit of a worry of mine, that they all think I am having an affair what other people think obviously shouldn’t matter but it does concern me!

This is about consent. You've said no very clearly. Neurodiverse or not she has to stop. It's that simple so if she won't stop you go to hr.

Can you discuss with your boss -get some support so you aren’t sat together at meetings. Can you come in earlier, take early/late lunch. To avoid her.