Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

No, it's from the past, in person. Im reflecting on a lot of things that have happened. You keep presuming a lot about my situation Radish.

I think it’s harsh to call mothers abusive for not speaking to their kids!

I have a family member who isn’t talking to her son because he has been using drugs, dangerous ones and she has said to him she disagrees- there’s been no contact for a few weeks

She’s not abusive at all!

According to a pp on here she must be still stuck in the toddler stage I guess!!

I don't this is abusive at all. I can understand why a mother might need some distance from someone who has pushed them to their very limits.

Or a presumption if you say her live on different continents and visit 3/4 times a year to think that these are current example or even something very recent and more than like virtual

i will be honest, my mother wasn’t remotely like this ie abusive and my father wasn’t spineless - so to me if seems a no brainer not to relish the silence from her.

however I take on what a PP said… if you haven’t lived this kind of toxic relationship, very little to contribute! So I will leave you to it. But it just seems so negative to stew about this when you have a good marriage and children and friendships of your own.

good luck!

Oh and now you have your own children… surely her despicable behaviour is all the more apparent and sickening to you?

ok good luck

Not abusive

but my god… my son taking drugs, my response wouldn’t be to distance myself and ignore him!!

At this point in our lives and relationship, I can't imagine the circumstances in which I would indulge in that sort of behaviour. We are far more likely to have a difficult sort of a conversation, which is likely to be painful, as we seek to address the situation which upset one of us.

One of my relatives has three adult daughters and she has had to shut herself off from them emotionally because frankly they are all nasty bitches. It astounds me that they could be so cruel, but sadly they are.

i will be honest, my mother wasn’t remotely like this ie abusive and my father wasn’t spineless - so to me if seems a no brainer not to relish the silence from her.

I knew this from your posts, and it sounds like you had a really happy childhood which is always good to hear 😊

I'm 42 years old and only started coming out of an emotional coma a decade ago, and in this time have unravelled and unpicked decades of manipulation, gaslighting, generational trauma and the normalisation very unhealthy behaviour growing up, as well as hugely confusing and frightening realisations of what my entire existence has meant my entire life. I've had to gradually develop an entirely new perception of my family growing up and, most crucially, of myself, and it has been a really difficult process involving therapy and my entire self has had to fall apart bit by bit over the years in order to rebuild it as a competent adult. The process, for anyone who knows, is so deep, so complex, so terrifying and it's roots are so deep. If I could just cut my losses and carry on, I would, but I can't, so I can't.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me though. I could feel that you were angry on my behalf, even if you couldn't relate to my situation yourself. You have clear vision because you have a normal relationship with your family and that's great.

A lovely post, thank you

you deserve so so so much better

@Radish81

of course the story is a bit longer than I described above and interventions and support were offered but met with deceit and lies

its is fine if you would never give up

i would not say she has given up but she has stopped contact - not blocked it or anything

it is a hard situation for her but I would hardly describe her as abusive, narcissistic and whatever else they have claimed on here about mothers who don’t speak to their kids!!!

Never

OP, your post really resonated with me as I feel like I’m at the very start of realisation/reflection of my relationship with my own mother. The past few weeks have really left me questioning everything about our relationship and unearthing some uncomfortable realities. Years of control, manipulation, gaslighting and also realising the effect all this has had on me (complete people-pleaser and low self esteem). The catalyst seemingly being me moving 30 minutes away from her and getting engaged - has resulted in weeks of negative, nasty comments and finally a huge, calamitous blow up. I think it was her realising her control was slipping and the only way to deal with it was to lash out at me. My dad is a lovely, gentle man but has had a lifetime of placating/agreeing with her in order to cause minimal disruption to his life. I think counselling/therapy will help. Sorry this is happening to you OP, but it’s kind of useful to know I’m not alone 🌷 also grieving the relationship we could have had and so envious of friends who say “my mum is my best friend.”

I'm so sorry to hear that you are waking up to the reality of an unhealthy relationship with your mum. Your word 'calamatous' really resonated with me, as the blow ups feel unbearably catastrophic. And I also relate to the lashing out at the loss of control. My mum ramped up when I got married and when I was pregnant and looking back, I think she knew she was going to lose her grip on me. I stood firm and I know that she has grudgingly accepted it but that she sees me as a traitor deep down, because I'm not at her beck and call. What I will say is that 1) therapy helps and 2) your progress will be in small steps and little blasts of realisation and bit by bit you will make sense of things and the sting will feel less and less painful as each little bubble gets burst and a new micro reality comes along, and you actually accept it and believe it. For a long time I honestly, honestly thought that my entire purpose in life was to make my mum happy. Like that's actually why I was created. It's only in the past 4 or 5 years that I've realised that my life is mine to live for ME. Some people might find that really hard to believe but it's true. Bit by bit the facade is shattering but it has been happening gradually, over time so I can reclaim one square metre of my happiness at a time.

More context needed.

Thank you so much for your reply OP ❤️ it’s incredibly hard to find others to confide in irl. My DP has been amazingly empathetic but still can’t really “get” it. Both my siblings still live with her so they’re very cautious in what they will say.

Yes! A lifetime of desperately to gain her approval and treading on eggshells around her. Knowing that I’m kind, caring and thoughtful because I have a partner and friends who reassure me I am, yet the slightest perceived misdemeanour will result in my Mum making me feel like I’m callous, spiteful and generally an awful person. Thank you for the reassurance. I am going to seek therapy but in the meantime it’s helpful to know things can get better, whilst I’m grieving for the relationship I wish we had.

This is absolutely my experience. Everything you said. The slightest slip of the tongue can lead to my character being pulled to pieces with every adjective used to describe the coldest, most unkind person you could meet. And, as its my mother, I assume(d) that it must have been true because mums see the real us, don't they, and the best of us generally, so if they say we are cold and callous, we really must be-right? So totally get it.

Something that made me really pause was when she said to me (as criticism) 'I've noticed your children aren't scared of you. You were always scared of me (like it was a flex).'

I remember thinking, what a weird comment to make. What a weird thing to be proud of, and at the time I thought 'fear and respect aren't the same' but I didn't say anything. The more I think about it, the more I realise that fear has no part in any relationship. I thought it was normal but now I see that it isn't. You can't have a relationship with someone you're scared of; it means that something fundamental is off.

You can be an authority figure in your child's life without them being frightened of you. She sees my toddlers having tantrums etc and thinks it's because I'm not scary enough. That is scary!

I don't do that to anyone. It is really childish behaviour. If anyone tries to do it to me, I tell them so. Nothing was solved by "pretending" to ignore someone (because that is what it is).

The silent treatment is totally different to cutting ties with a person.

No, if my daughter wants to make up first after an argument I would always allow us to reconcile. If she has said something that really hurt me, I would wait for a less emotional time once we are "friends" again, to explain to her how her words really hurt me and why.

Oh absolutely, hence my crippling low self esteem. I believed everything she has said about me over the years. I do believe that she sees me as an extension of herself in some ways, therefore has to do everything in her power to control me and my actions.

I worry about how she will be when we have children.

A defining moment for me was when she laughed about my Dad crying because she made him sell his prized collection of vinyls.

I’m hoping that by setting some boundaries now, e.g “if you shout, swear, belittle or are unkind to me, I’m walking away and you won’t hear from me for a few weeks” might make her think twice. But even this has me second guessing myself, “is it me?!” My Dad just completely pretends nothing is happening and will never give her any form of reality check or criticism. I genuinely don’t think she could have survived in a relationship with anyone other than him.

Solidarity OP 💐

Wow, your adult daughter is a disgrace. Why on earth do you allow this in your house ?

Ah I related to so much of that message too. When you said your mum sees you as an extension of yourself that sent chills down my spine as I feel the same. Confounding everything are the happy memories I have of her. Of all the little special things she did at Christmas, how she delighted in all the little touches to make Santa believable. How she always picked things up to do with my hobby any time she saw something I liked. How she picked me up after something hard happened, like a break up or friendship fall out and a lot of wisdom she actually gave me. I look at all of these things, of feeling like she really felt like my safe person and knowing she loved me as a child, to how things have turned out. To the adult relationship we have that seems so devoid of warmth or motherly instinct. It was there! I remember it!

Reasons my mom stopped speaking to me/my siblings
Someone got back together with a boyfriend they had previously broken up with.
Someone's boyfriend (in his 30s) had a child.
Someone got a dog.
Someone's past boyfriend had been a good bit older than them.

I'm sorry 😞