Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

It seems the difference between you and your siblings is clear - at least to me. They have detached and hold her at arms length, she is powerless in some ways as they don’t allow her in.

With you, because you are seeking a real and meaningful relationship mother/child relationship, desperate for her love and to feel nurtured and hope it will one day happen - you are still vulnerable to her manipulation and abuse. It’s your love for her that compromises your well being, which feels very unfair.

The more you love her and reach for her, the more power is handed to her. She can withdraw, play with or simply abandon you at any time. That’s an enormous amount of power.

The pathway for some people is literally the loss of hope, the acceptance that she is the way she is and won’t magically change into a kind and loving mother, and some true healing for that little girl inside of you that longs so much for a real
mother to love you, take care of you and protect you.

At some point, it might be possible to see that your mother isn’t capable of mothering or loving others normally, she isn’t withholding from you, she just can’t offer that. And never will be able to.

Although she plays the victim card well, and is quick to capitalise on your genuine feelings and play them to the crowd by labelling you the problem, she can’t feel very much at all, and has no real connection at all with others.

It’s sad and miserable, and I imagine lonely to never feel a deep sense of love, and to never experience others fully.

You are the normal one, she is damaged and will never gain the self awareness required to examine what is going wrong, and why she is unable to form proper relationships. You don’t have to feel sorry for her, but you can see she is not exactly in a position of strength, she manipulates because she doesn’t know how else to relate or get her need met.

Be glad for all of your feelings, including the angry ones, and the love you can feel in your own heart.

I could never ignore any of my daughters (I had 4, then lost one to cancer in 2023, aged 34) you never know when it might be the last time you get to talk to them.

You’re so right. And right again that it’s love and hope that makes me hold on and hurts. I think that recognising she can’t feel love etc the way one would hope is both cathartic and the worst bit. Because I want her to. And also it is pitiful. So it makes me feel like it’s pointless to be no contact because I’m not hurting her, I’m not actually achieving anything - it’s not a means to an end as she’ll never recognise her behaviour - so it’s just hurtful to me. And like you ssy, she’s sad and lonely, so it makes me feel almost mean.

thank you for your support and considered words. I hope your understanding of this comes only from a place of emotional intelligence, not from personal experience, but if it does I’m sorry you’ve experienced similarly hurtful situations.

It comes from both places, experience and professionally speaking - I know hope is what keeps us hoping something will change (it rarely does) and because you are an empathetic soul you understand it’s also miserable for your mother, but for different reasons, but really you are the one suffering here. As you have rightly said.

Whilst she might miss the control, the interest and distraction - I’m not sure they are capable of missing you the person, or anyone in the way the rest of us perceive missing someone, loving someone.

She will mostly miss the veneer of a happy family and the loss of any status attached to her relationships, and whatever advantages they might bring her.

It is actually devastating to give up entirely on the hope of being in a close and loving relationship with one’s own mother, and can be very painful to live with. It is also painful to live without them entirely, to know they exist and breathe and appear to manage so well without their children.

As a normal healthy ish person it’s just unthinkable to abandon your children emotionally and sometimes entirely. I really do understand. It’s a living hell at times. I wish it could be different for you. You deserved a mother that loved you unconditionally and could appreciate who you really are.

Sorry op that I have posted on here to another poster, the heartbreak of this particular loss, and it is a loss is quite profound.

The reverse is also true. To live knowing your adult child has become someone you don’t recognise. Uncaring, abusive, cruel. Someone who doesn’t remember your birthday or Mothers Day.

Yes the pain definitely runs both ways. With experiences of loss. There are differences though.

The power dynamic should be acknowledged, the mother role holds far more power and influence, they remain and have always been the adult, the child is uniquely vulnerable and entirely dependent on the mother for survival during their childhood. This dynamic rarely changes even once the child reaches adulthood.

Although pain and loss are experienced in both roles, a child can entirely lose their sense of self in the process of abuse.

I stepped away for a couple of days because being told I’m the same as someone else’s, and my own, mother upset me.

Genuinely there is no more to it. She’d got home from school, we were chatting, she was fine, I told her I’d managed to change her driving test, and boom. I stayed calm, rode the storm. I’m still doing her washing, cooking etc, she’s blanking me. I asked her yesterday morning if she’d like a cooked breakfast and got a hissed yes. That’s all she’s said in a week now.

She had an accident about 4 years ago, massive internal bleeding, lost almost her complete blood volume, was in ICU etc and the possibility of an acquired brain injury was mentioned. She is different since the accident in terms of personality, and does have a fiery temper, but has refused counselling several times, not sure what else I can do.

eta I’m not trying to make this thread mine, I just wanted to explain that (I don’t think) I’m an abusive mother. Not saying I’m perfect, but I try very hard to not be my mother.

I can't think of any circumstances where I would do that. If I was unhappy about something, I would raise it and give her the opportunity to respond. Unless she was addicted to alcohol or drugs or something, and was constantly begging for money to feed an addiction. I guess I wouldn't respond in that situation. Or if she was being abusive or something.

If it's genuine, I'd patch things up. Be aware though, that depending on how bad things have got, that the relationship may be permanently affected.

I've suffered some pretty bad stuff at the hand of my adult DC. I still love them, but it's had a lasting effect on me and on our relationship.

Well I think that’s the entire point, op is reflecting on one behaviour and then lightbulbs are going off left right and centre as are thinks of other things.