Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

I think it feels normal simply because your rel with him isn’t “toxic” and involve being ignored for swathes of time

If you’re very low contact with her, are you also with your father? Or see him alone?

Yes with him too, and my siblings unfortunately. It's the only way.

What does very low contact look like?

Isn’t your father baffled and concerned why you are very low contact with him?

He probably assumes that it's because I emigrated for work 15 years ago and live on a different continent.

You know it’s not you, it’s her. You can’t control her behaviour, only how you react to it. And there’s really no point trying to work out why she is how she is. She’s not going to change.

My mother is a deeply limited person. I do believe that she thinks she loves me but I also think that she doesn’t really because it’s not something she is capable of doing. She’s used to me. She likes me more than most people but that also means she feels safe to let her more unreasonable side out to me. I feel relatively detached from her now. We’re in regular contact but she rarely gets to me now.

Revisiting past actions with your mother is unlikely to ever get you the result you want. Some people are not able to see things from other’s points of view. Some people will never take responsibility and each time you ask them to, they disappoint and hurt you again.

I refuse to acknowledge any of mother’s passive aggression and she isn’t brave enough for plain spoken hostility unless she feels challenged and I can’t be bothered to challenge someone who can’t understand the point I’m making. She would probably tell her friends that we’re close - and she’d be telling the truth. She thinks we are. Actually I haven’t discussed how I actually feel about anything for years. I chat away to her but she has no idea who I really am. I really recommend it.

Oh right… so you really do hardly see them! That’s brilliant although sad she still invades your brain in this way

Yes I go home 3 or 4 times a year. Things have been fine for the past few years because of the limited contact and also my increased confidence but stuff like this is always looming in the background.

I never could, we are a mix of Scottish and Mediterranean so silent is not a word we understand.

I don’t think this comes across as a reverse. She was just asking about when people might think that type of behaviour was reasonable.

Make that 3-4x a year more like…. Once at most

i imagine your husband can’t stand her

Thanks for this. Usually I just greyrock, smile, do all the light chit chat and let the other stuff go over my head. I normally mentally detach to the crazy comments or digs but the silent treatment has really disturbed me this time.

Never.

He doesn't mind her; they make chit chat and she is polite to him. He can make pleasant talk but he says that I'm the adult in the dynamic. He is also very pro family and is always trying to find ways to preserve the relationship between us while protecting my sanity. His thinking can be very black and white at times as he comes from the most stable, loving family ever.

And I don't just want to see my every 3-4 years, he's almost 80.

So you haven’t confided in him as you have done on this thread presumably?

Because on the basis of what you’re said on this thread, I can’t stand the woman and I don’t know you from Adam!

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through OP.

My mum has never in my life given me the silent treatment however I have witnessed these kind of mums and the damage they do first hand with some of the closest people in my life. Some of these people are now dead (by suicide).

People vastly underestimate the damage that having a parent like this does to you.

Please understand that the vast majority of narcissistic people are not nasty all the time. That's why these relationships are so confusing and addictive, you get intermittent reinforcement which keeps you in the relationship.

It sounds like you have been raised to never prioritise your own needs. But they do matter too. That is the reason why children of narcissistic parents go no contact because they finally realise that they matter too and they do not deserve to be treated in this way.

Re your DF, you are a mum - would you let your DH/P give your kids the silent treatment/not intervene?

None.

Put it this way, my husband finds ways to get on with her for my sake but I don't feel comfortable sharing the full story with him. I was raised to have a really intense, unhealthy loyalty to my mother and I can only open up so much. Secondly he doesn't understand and all of his advice is very unhelpful. I don't share what I need to but in honesty, I was used by mum as a therapist all of my childhood so i prefer to go to therapy myself to thrash the nitty gritty out. I hate the thought of burdening others with my emotions and making them keep secrets for me, as I had to. It's very complicated. My husband and dad don't have much to do with the fact that my mother doesn't love me in a normal way though. I actually would have hated for my dad to have left when I was growing up as he buffered her and talked her around many times. I still feel vulnerable when he isn't there and it's just me and mum.

More context. There were a lot of other things going on in my family's life when I was growing up, which occupied a huge amount of my dad's time and attention. That's why all the conversations here about my dad aren't useful as I'm having to rake up lots of stuff that isn't helpful to how I'm feeling about my.mum giving me the silent treatment now. Thanks for your message though ❤️

Secondly he doesn't understand and all of his advice is very unhelpful.

Like what? Like to distance yourself even more so you don’t have to deal with this shit?

None.

My mother used to do it to me all the time as a form of control (she was a narcissist and emotional abuser). I went NC with her in my 20s and never spoke to her again. I'd never do it to my daughters, no matter what the circumstances.

Never

My mum has given and continues to give me the silent treatment over very little - say not replying to a text messages within her made up timescale, or not answering the phone during the working day.

I used to run after her and apologise, now I just embrace the peace and quiet.

She’s awful.