Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

My child would have to do something very bad to have gone NC.

My mum has done awful things and I’m still not NC with her (some of it is MH).

I think for most people you can maintain some sort of relationship still.

What did you do?

That sounds really difficult. Can you give an example of the type of things you say that offend her, that then leads to silent treatment?

Under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever. I have 3 adult DDs.

Relationships are complicated and I have a father and siblings who live with her that I love, plus a history of a real human relationship that had love in it but also massive flaws. It's only in the past few years I've really been exploring the nature of our relationship. Years of manipulation are very hard to unravel overnight and premature no contact is a drastic move.

I would struggle to do this. I would put mine on mute if they were being abusive to me to protect my mental health but then later that day respond. When I felt strongly able to

Do they not say to your mother how unacceptable her behaviour is?

I would t want someone like your mother within a 5mile radius of my children in your shoes

I want to say none. I love her and would want to sort something out

Then I pushed myself to think of any circumstances - if she murdered her brother or Dad maybe..?

if she carried out a terrorist attack…

It would have to be something huge

What kind of things does your Mum punish you like this for?

Don’t worry - I didn’t think it was a reverse for a second and don’t think others did either

I’d never do the silent treatment. If I felt overwhelmed and couldn’t talk, I’d tell my DD to give me a bit of time and space to get my head together. I’d never just ghost her or ignore her.

And that's fair enough.

I don't. Think you've had to deal with a verbally and physically abusive child or teen.

Do you have any idea why this has happened? Whether you see it as a proportionate response or not?

I have adult children, and can't imagine a circumstance where I would ghost either of them, but that's really not my style with anyone. Have you asked her what the problem is? I never find that second-guessing other people is helpful.

If she won't talk to you in person, maybe send her a text on the lines of 'Mum - I don't know what's going on with you, and I won't unless you tell me, so this is not going to get better. I'd rather we talked than texted, but I'll wait for you to reply to see how to move forward.' Basically, acknowledging that you are aware of what she's doing, but not accepting that there is a reason for it, whilst being open to a discussion that might improve things.

I'm second-guessing now, but if your mum was brought up to avoid conflict, she might not know how to deal with things other than with silent treatment. That's not to excuse it, but it might explain it?

No I have not
but I know I wouldn’t ignore them for any reason

Thought of a career in counselling?

Well my adult DDs i absolutely would not ignore there texts or give them the silent treatment, but i can imagine a future situation with my now 15yo where she hounds me constantly trying to get me to agree to sth that I don't want to do. Any communication would simply prolong the argument. In that situation i might start ignoring texts which she would interpret as 'the silent treatment'.

I honestly think never. I have 3 adult DDs, 2 in their 40s and 1 in her 20s and it’s never happened yet. I just cannot image a situation when it possibly could.

One of my DC had blocked me at the present time. It’s awful but they are still talking to their DF so I know they are fine; just p1ssed off that I told them a few home truths. They will unblock me in a few weeks (I hope) and talk to me as if nothing happened. Yes, I’ve had this happen before. C’est la vie!

Absolutely never. Under any circumstances. I’m her mother. It’s my job to be there for her.

would be farcical! 😂

Just leave her alone. Honestly. She doesn’t sound very nice and she’s never going to be the mother you want, so stop hoping. If she gives you the silent treatment, let her. Don’t chase, don’t engage, walk away from conversations where she’s horrible to you.

It doesn’t need to be dramatic, you don’t even need to tell her what you’re doing. But, you need to stop feeding into this. And stop letting it hurt you.

Really? I wonder what you have actually experienced.

Given what you have told us I would ignore her little sulk and let her get on with it.
Im assuming your dad and sibling have their own phones, so just contact them directly if you want to speak to them.

No it’s not your job if your child is abusive and damaging your own mental health.