Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

I gave my mother the silent treatment blocked and moved on its been over 20 odd years NC at all i think she got the message.

He does - OP wrote: "He knows what she's like and has defended me many times."

Yes but still she does it

I can’t imagine remaining married to someone who treat our child so abysmally and out rightly ignores my pleas to change

@Eegokeennow I'm so sorry that your mother behaves this way towards you. It is not acceptable at all and it sounds very much like she has brainwashed and manipulated your siblings into believing what she wants them to believe about you.

Glad to hear that you have had counselling. Unfortunately you cannot change the way your mother behaves but you can control how you deal with her behaviour. It's difficult because we naturally yearn for a perfect relationship with our mothers but the reality for some is that this will never be a reality. You have to take happiness, love and support from those that actually care about you and accept that she will never be the mother you want or deserve. Be happy and good luck.

When she's acting entitled, when she's been a b*tch, when she tries to use me one time too many in a far too short span of time, when she's spoiling for an argument and I really CBA.

Silent treatment/grey rock. Potato / potaaaato. I just want a peaceful life.

None. Ever.
My mother does this for months at a time if I try and talk about how hurt I feel about my childhood. It has completely ruined our relationship. There basically isn’t a relationship left, because it is abuse op.

I wouldn't..2 daughters.. one daughter in law ( youngest is gay)..very very close family. We can talk about anything and everything .
I was same with my Mum .
I feel well blessed.
Lucky to have fabulous nieces too.

Nor can I, but he has other DC with her and they all live together so maybe he just tolerates her behaviour - for now. Maybe one day he will crack, but we just don't know what the dynamic in that household is. He's probably just pleased that his eldest child has her only little family and a life of love and purpose (that her DM likely resents!)

Once I came home from an activity in my early twenties, it was something very important to me. It was cold and rainy, I was hungry and mum opened the door and made a really sarcastic comment with a very condescending smirk on her face. I usually tried to ignore when she spoke to me like that but I was really annoyed and said 'stop being so unsupportive'!. The right after, I said 'sorry. I'm tired and hungry and all wet. I didn't mean it'. She didn't speak to me for 6 weeks and gave me a much smaller present for Christmas.

for this alone, it would be the end of the marriage

Never.

I was wondering how you were able to form a healthy relationship if your relationship with dm was so toxic. Now I see that you had more positive input from your DF. You’re lucky.

That's easy to say. However a woman like this and her spouse are likely to have developed a pretty dysfunctional relationship. My own father was terrified of my mother - not OF her, but of the way she made him feel when she lashed out. All those constant little barbs and put downs over years and years. She sent him mad in the end - literally. He was sectioned. Sometimes I get angry that he wasn't stronger and didn't stand up to her, but what's the point?

He doesn't know the half of what happened that time. I've considered telling him but it was many years ago so what's the point. He just thought it was a normal argument between mother and daughter. He still doesn't know how bad it got (I haven't said it all here either).

He didn’t notice his wife didn’t speak to their only daughter for 6 weeks and brought a much smaller Xmas present than usual?

Does she pretend her phone has been broken or something when finally she gets back in touch? Mine does. It's so pathetic. She hasn't worked out yet that ticks turn blue when she reads messages.

After some of the context you’ve given, maybe the best thing for YOU, would be to take some time away from your mother. She is hurting you, and it sounds like she enjoys doing it.

You deserve better than this.

Sending you hugs.

Indeed, but maybe OP isn't the only one on the receiving end of her DM's emotional abuse? Or maybe he realised that the best support/protection he could provide to OP was remaining in her life as a present parent - better than leaving the marriage and leaving OP to deal with the emotional abuse alone (because how often do fathers take their children with them when they leave - now, let alone when OP was a child?).

Yes and also, the parts of her that aren't toxic, are loving. My therapist even commented that she had so many good qualities and I have so many lovely memories of her and a lot of the good qualities I have actually come from her. These relationships can be very nuanced and recently I was really ill and for the first time since childhood, was actually crying for my mum.

My husband is actually an incredibly decent, sound, resilient, uncomplicated 'normal' person and I've really grown into the real me since I've known him. He is very, very stable and there are no mind games or manipulation with him.

None, because it's abusive and pathetic.

If you don't want to talk to her, ask her to give you some space, or say you need space for x amount of time. Don't just ignore her and leave her wondering what she's done wrong.

My mum has always done this, and when it happens now I feel like that little girl who needed her mum and was being ignored by her.

This is what can be really hard. They often display just enough goodness and normality just often enough for us to think, maybe they're ok, maybe it is me after all. And knowing that they are your mother who gave birth to you makes you know that there must be a lot of them in you, therefore you want to acknowledge those good points. I know exactly what you mean. There is a lot of my mum in me, and some of it are my good points, the things people like about me. It's a head fuck.

Hi op its not nice been on receiving end of it. I usually give her space she 80s.. what age your mam?

No, he thought we had a falling out but didn't realise how bad things were. He wasn't there than Christmas morning. Normally I got money and make up, accessories etc. This year I got some mascara and lip gloss etc. He wouldn't have noticed what I got tbh, mum always did the gifts. Surely other people have dads who aren't switched on about this stuff? I never felt like he was part of the problem. Maybe he was. I don't know. I do know she bad mouthed me to him a lot and was always trying to find the balance while thinking I was more to blame than I was. But I have a good relationship with my dad and know he is there for me. He wasn't perfect but our relationship feels normal whereas it doesn't with her.

Thank you ❤️

I have two adult daughters and I have never done it to them, but my DM would do it to me over really petty things. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I had done and when I eventually got her to tell me it would transpire she had misunderstood something, I would explain what had happened and then it was all ok. When I lived at home she would ignore me for 2-3 weeks, but it was even worse when I left home as we lived over 200 miles apart so resuming communication was more difficult. My DM has died now, but she never had a mobile phone so texts were not an option .

To not notice his wife wasn’t speaking to their only daughter for 6 weeks…. Surely op you can see how this would take some doing

and all the other times

you don’t think he realises?