Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

I can’t think of any.

I can’t imagine doing this but I guess if they were abusive I would not respond.

DD is only 20 but I can't imagine anything tbh.

She said something really hurtful during a row before Christmas and we both needed about an hour of breathing space before we had a good chat and it all blew over.

Haven’t spoken to DD18 since Monday when she got in my face and screamed that I’m a fucking cunt because I changed her driving test booking like she asked me to, and they didn’t have her preferred date (mine is slightly later) so obviously I am desperately trying to ruin her (social) life because I’m a sad old bitch. Not going out of my way to cold shoulder, just not making the peace for the sake of moving on. Joys of parenthood. If she says sorry that will do, just want her to own her behaviour.

Wow! I cannot imagine ever doing that to my mother. I'm so sorry.

I would be cancelling the driving test altogether and withdrawing all privileges immediately and I would be telling her calmly and clearly why, and if she continues to behave in an abusive manner she can find somewhere else to live. You do not need to tolerate such truly terrible behaviour. Have you asked her why she is speaking to you like that? What has happened? It’s not normal.

It's completely OK for a mother to take some time apart from her child after they have physically assaulted her or stolen her, obviously assuming that child is well into adulthood (I would say 21 plus). I'm not advocating for permenant estrangement, but mothers are people too and there is no way I would be in the right place mentally to be interacting with anyone who had assaulted me for a few weeks at least after the fact.

Do you know, it’s just words. She’s under pressure at school with a-levels etc and has a short fuse so I get it. But she’s an adult now and just needs to learn to say sorry, that’s all.

I hope things sort with you and your mum OP.

You are minimising this too much. It’s not just words. It’s really never okay, regardless of ‘’pressure’

Never ever ever.

You’re right. Learning to apologise would be a step forward though. Learning to control her temper is something she needs to do next. I have a really bad relationship with my own mum, I’m NC, and want to give DD the chance to grow. She’s not had a good couple of years at school and I’m
hoping that when she leaves this summer things will improve.

Bloody. Hell.

@Eegokeennow yes unfortunately this resonates hugely for me. It is very hard to extricate yourself - I have been through rounds and rounds of pulling back and then re-engaging. I’m a strong person but the fear of going against my family and being ‘punished’ for it really weighs me down at times. I’m finally breaking free at the moment. Sometimes it feels amazing, sometimes it’s terrifying but when you get to the point where you just don’t want to keep playing out the same cycle you just have to stop playing their game. My siblings and I are mobilised against one another and a lot of ‘alliances’ form. It hurts but it sounds like you have a better life with your husband now anyway (as do I)

As other posters have said - we have to stop expecting them to be normal and rational. You know what she is like, and she isn’t likely to change - but you can change by not playing along anymore. How she responds is up to her.

have you read Daughter Detox?? That was also very helpful for me.

I'd never give up on any of my my daughters. However, I can't imagine that either of them would scream in my face, use bad language to me or treat me badly. I know I am truly blessed to be able to say that - and, although I haven't read the whole thread, I know that some of you are in very difficult and different circumstances. However, no matter what, as the senior woman in the relationship, if things were different to what they are, I'd move heaven and earth to keep in contact and make sure they knew I was there for them.

Well, under very extreme circumstances.

Why don't you give some context instead of being so annoyingly vague?

Never because silent treatment is abusive. Adults raises issues and discuss.

My mother hasn't spoken to me for three years because I knew about my brother breaking up with his wife before she did. It wasn't the first period of her stopping speaking to me/blaming me for things that were not 'crimes'. It's sad but I've made peace with it to an extent. I will read the Lindsay Gibson book.

None

I am an adult.
If there are issues I raise them & discuss them in a calm & rational way.

My own daughter ? Never. MY mother's record for not speaking to me is three weeks. Can't quite remember what I was supposed to have done that time. Separately, but again completely randomly, she once refused to speak to me on my birthday, I rang and she wouldn't come to the phone. I could go on and on but tbh, I take no notice anymore. I do feel for you OP, having a bat shit crazy mother isn't restful.

Virtue-signallers on here - 'never, oh, I never shall give my dd the silent treatment'. Below are some examples from literature, whereby mothers gave daughters the silent treatment

• daughter defrauding her parents, parents don't want to go to the police and ruin her, yet they don't want to talk to her EVER - Mary Wesley
• daughter knew her dad was having an affair for a number of years and never told mum - autobiography Elizabeth Jane Howard
• old daughter in her 30s, in an incestuous relationship with her father - Mary Wesley

And weirdest post goes to….

Same. I’ve got friendships of decades. But my family are toxic. It’s only if you know, you know. Those with relatively healthy family dynamics just don’t get it and assume it’s two sided. I would NEVER give my DC the silent treatment. If they do something to annoy me then I’ll let them know and talk to them about it. What you are describing is abuse.

Eh?

My mother would say me blowing up at her was me being disrespectful and I need to learn how to say sorry and it’s my fault and all the stuff this poster says - in reality my mother was emotionally abusive and narcissistic. After a lifetime of manipulative behaviour you get angry. And you shout and scream about everything because they refuse to acknowledge anything. This poster should make sure she’s completely innocent before she starts throwing stones. And if her daughter is behaving like this “for no reason”, and she is somehow completely guilt free, the poster should realise that her daughter is clearly incredibly troubled - and as her mother it is her job to figure out why, not silent treatment her into an apology. People don’t just start behaving this way for not reason.

Agree.