Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s really appreciated.
it does cause me significant pain. No contact now but my hand was forced for various reason. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.
I have a lot of clarity on the situation now because I recognise her condition. I have also had the good fortune (?) to have other neutral people recognise it too and witness her behaviour (including the very subtle ones). This enabled me to feel seen and validated, I guess. When you spend a lifetime being told you’re the problem for starting arguments when, in fact, they’re starting the arguments and you’re reacting to that, it twists you in knots - I believe someone further up thread used this term or similar and it is so true. Both emotionally and psychologically.
also, of course, you look like you’re starting arguments as they’ll fall into victim mode at such speed that to the outside world you look like a complete cow for being cross at them.
for me, the significant ‘finding’ was that npd people find give and take relationships the hardest. I always wondered why my siblings found her difficult but not so hard as me. It was because I require give and take. I tried to have an open, discussion-having, inner-thoughts sharing relationship with her. I thought this was ‘our thing’ but realise now she can’t deal with me having my own opinions or doing things out of what she wants. My siblings don’t share with her. They do things and then she doesn’t like it but it’s too late. She might stomp off or make some digs but it’s done. For me, I’d try to share why I was thinking about doing something and try to confide and if she didn’t agree she’d be manipulative and sometimes cruel in the hopes of dissuading me. It’s very confusing to think you have a mutually supportive relationship where you’re very close but to not recognise they don’t actually have your best interests at heart in the same way as a non npd parent would. It all comes back to their ego.
Also, with siblings not receiving the same treatment, it makes you look like the problem too.
I think the reality is that I want my mum. I want her to want me. For me. And I miss her. But she doesn’t seem to miss me - not in the way you would expect a mother to miss a child. And that’s very painful. And it’s hard to back track now and just start treating her with detachment because I’m furious and heartbroken. But there’s no where for that hurt to go.
oh gosh gone off one one here sorry!