Mothers of adult daughters...

[Eegokeennow]

Quick question:

Under what circumstances would you give your daughter the silent treatment/ignore text messages etc?

@Eegokeennow So I see from one of your earlier post that your father and siblings live with your DM - how does she treat them? Is it just you she reserves her vile treatment for?

I would absolutely play her at her own game.

If she doesn’t reply, then so what.

Carry on with you life, living it to the full with your DH and kids.

When she finally replies then give it a day or 2 before responding.

You are giving her the control.
There is nothing she can do that is worse than what she’s already done.

I don't know really. My perception of my childhood feels weird to reflect on. I am the eldest by quite a bit but my siblings don't seem to want much to do with me, but I think they have been moulded in a different way to me. It's hard to discern my parents relationship as the power dynamic is different between spouses. He knows what she's like and has defended me many times. He always tells me how proud he is of me, how lovely I am, how much he loves me, how happy he is for me when I do well. He is very effusive and loving towards all of us actually.

Very very few, all related to harming other people significantly.

Concur with other PPs. No matter how completely effed off I am with my DD’s behaviour (Asd, ADHD, MH issues and lots of drama), I’d never do the silent treatment. I did, however, cut off and go no contact with a toxic mother … best thing I could ever have done.

Never.

It’s not a reverse.

None. Can’t abide sulking in any form.
DH’s family are enthusiastic sulkers, so I know what it’s like!
DD and I occasionally have a very heated discussion, she’s been able to hold her own verbally since early teens, but silent treatment, never.

So why keep going back for more then?

@Eegokeennow oldest daughter is often the target for all of the things they hate about themselves.
If she’s emotionally immature there may also be elements of competition and jealousy. Although it’s awful please try and remember it’s not you it’s her and your siblings will have likely been put in their ‘roles’ too.

Never ever

Ohhh what do you class as too much time together
and why do you feel these mothers make nasty comments?
and why do the adult dc keep going back ?

But he doesn’t ever speak up for you to your mother?

I can’t really see the point in confronting someone about a past relationship TBH. The person you confront will automatically be on the defensive, will feel attacked and it won’t end as you would like. You know your DMs faults, so just keep your distance.

But it’s not op because here you are tying yourself in knots about her going silent on you

so I think you need to go one step further because this doesn’t look all that “tolerable” to me

Is she only like this with you or does she do/say these kind of things to other members of the family?

Nothing that you said or did is worthy of the silence treatment, so I would definitely pull back and at least go low contact.

@Radish81 it’s often not that simple. You’ll often go back time and time again and make excuses for them as you’re stuck in the hope that one day they’ll wake up and realise and (god forbid) apologise and you’ll get a normal mother. It can be a long process. And a very painful one.

You have your own supportive family and friends. Focus on them and don't allow your mother to destroy you. Keep your distance.

Never. I love her

I would never give my adult daughter the silent treatment apart from maybe ignoring texts for a few hours if I was really angry/upset and didn't trust myself to respond straight away.

I don't know. Ask my mother.

Emotionally immature mother. Any minor indescretion by you results in the silent treatment because she doesn't know how to respond. She doesn't have the tools to discuss it as a reasonable adult and can't handle any criticism.

Any suggestion of her being wrong is too difficult for her to handle so she....Just doesn't. She's not interested in learning how to do better.

You either go low contact or ignore completely.

Your best 'revenge' is to have a great life without pandering to a woman you have to walk on eggshells around.

I would never give my child the silent treatment.

But my mum used to disappear for 2/3/4 months at a time when I called her out on anything that made her uncomfortable. Questioning her behaviour? She’d disappear for 3 months. I once asked her to see a family therapist with me to work on a particular ongoing issue. Dropped off the face of the planet for 2 months because she was “too busy trying to register with a new dentist.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

She even moved house, to a completely different county and didn’t tell me for a year because she was annoyed I wouldn’t do what she wanted. She lives abroad, so it’s not like I’d just drop in, but it’s weird behaviour. We were in contact every few weeks usually during that time. I only found out from a friend, no idea how long she would have carried on if I hadn’t been like, wait, did you bloody move house last year?! 😂

It probably goes without saying we are now NC. It’s very peaceful. And I parent my own children very differently.

Well, I'm glad you have a very good relationship with your father and that he's more than prepared to defend you to your DM (who really does sound awful - sorry OP).

I do think the message you sent is the problem - not the way you wrote it necessarily (we don't know how you worded it), but the fact that you sent it at all. You posted: "I heard some bad news about someone she doesn't have contact with anymore (and doesn't seem to miss or have any feelings about) and I texted it to her yesterday morning. I thought she had a right to know, in case she wanted to reach out." You say you thought your DM might want to reach out to this person, but you also say this person is someone she no longer has contact with and doesn't seem to miss or have any feelings for - would I be right in thinking they fell out? So, although I'm sure you sent it with the very best of intentions, I wonder if your DM's reaction to it has been "Harrumph, what's DD telling me about them for? I don't care about them!" Could this be possible OP? And if so, could it be you sending this news has pricked her conscience? (which she wouldn't like of course!)

Anyway, your instinct to do nothing further is the right one - particularly if attempting more contact could unleash some stream of unrelated vitriol at you, which you just don't need to hear/read.

Hang in there OP - this too shall pass.🤗

My mum has never ignored a text from me.

if we are having a disagreement, she’ll tell me I’m being a dick and vice versa and we’ll talk and settle the differences.
She’s never given me the silent treatment.