Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

Yes, why wouldn’t you be able to?

Why do you see it as you contribute more because it's your money, but the money gifted to him is also 'your money'?

@StrivingForSleep Oh I get it now - you're being sarcastic! Slow on the uptake there (lack of sleep - sorry!)

I am not being sarcastic. Where have I been sarcastic?

I'm not understanding why people are giving OP such a hard time. Teachers don't work in the summer holidays because schools are shut, simple!

If your husband's car was on the blink and he needed it to work, wouldn't you chip in towards repairs?

@StrivingForSleep You can be a Teaching Assistant when schools are closed over the holidays?!!!!!!!!!

But she’s not a teacher. She’s a tutor. Teachers earn a minimum of 32k a year so would not be struggling contributing around 1k to household expenses. Tutors work far less hours so need to supplement their income in the holidays or with evening work (if they are moaning about being skint that is)

Firstly he clearly dosnt see you as a team, you struggling with bills and no car while he’s sitting on £15k is a massive red flag you are not in a joint relationship.

How do you know exactly what he’s earning if his salary is paid into a separate account and he transfers a set amount into your account? To me this screams he’s hiding something.

Next, I was under the impression there was a shortage of teaching staff, TAs, tutors? Are you not able to find more stable work with less transport involved? Maybe do tutoring on the side for extra money.

You have a big relationship problem here, he dosnt trust you and has secret money while you are struggling to support your child. I’d be looking at finding out exactly what he’s hiding money wise and be making moves to get myself a more stable job then looking at divorce.

What do you think he’ll do if your car dies and you have no more transportation. Will he help you.

@Jk987 Of course I would. Like when our bed fell apart but he had no spare money. So I used the little bit of money I had at the time to buy us a replacement.

So you work less - is that because you do more childcare? And you pay more for the living costs? Why? Do you earn more- is it a proportional split? Or is he just really selfish?
I’d say I’m applying for a full time job that pays better and you can work out the childcare as well as actually paying half our costs, since we aren’t a team it’s your turn to pull your weight.

@Devianinc No. But then don't know who will pay the bills if I can't travel to my students.

HLTA roles are not limited to schools only. Some DC with EOTAS have HLTA/TA/LSAs as part of their package. For some of these DC they have these staff outside of term time.

Although some SEN schools are not term time only and there may be agency HLTA/TA work at them too.

This doesn’t sound equal nor loving. What’s keeping you together.

So he is paying a similar amount towards the household expenses as you are?

@Devianinc In so many other ways he's great. Perhaps financially I am expecting too much of him.

I must be old fashioned. Since we got married there is no "my money", there is only "our money". Our marriage has worked ok like that for the past 23 years. I simply can't conceive of one of us having money and sitting watching the other struggle to do something.
I've always earned a lot more but the idea of using that to have a higher standard of living than my partner is just bizarre. I can't imagine who on earth would tolerate that.

He should be doing the same for you and paying towards the repairs with some of his windfall. He also should have to taken you and your child out for dinner. There'll still be plenty left for him to spend.

You should def not be worried sick about finances when he is sitting on his savings. Not if you are a team.

It's the weekend bug. It starts Friday night and seems to be the whole weekend where nearly every post has a sudden influx of people who willfully misunderstand the OP and will always act like they are completely in the wrong about everything.

It's really bizarre. Her husband has just received a brand new car and £5000. She seems to pay the lions share because he doesn't earn enough to pay half yet she's getting harangued like she's greedy because she's worried that if her car breaks and then she can't work they won't be able to afford rent and bills.

Maybe if he wants to keep all his money hidden so he has savings he should get a better paying job and actually contribute 50% to the household this freeing up some of OPs money so she can fix her car and he can keep his precious money.

It just sounds more like you don’t feel stable and it’s throwing your bearings off. I hope everything works out and your car holds up.

@StrivingForSleep Thanks - I'll investigate this further. I did ask our LA re education roles in school holidays and they said unfortunately this wasn't something they offered. I would be more than happy to HLTA but not sure if childcare fees would wipe it out as i know it's poor pay.

if your partner works normal weekday hours could you maybe get a Saturday or Sunday job whilst he looks after the 4 year old?

@Greenblossom My anxiety is through the roof and not sleeping, but some of that is perimenopause. It's a bugger!

If he earns more than you (so over 2k) where is the other grand of his wage going each month? This makes no sense.