Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

In a healthy relationship you would expect the shared income to cover all the outgoings, and whatever is left over to be used equally by both parties

Quite possibly, but if I only really needed to pay for a 2 bedroom house but had to contribute to 3 bedrooms - despite 2 remaining empty the majority of the time, for 2 almost adult aged ss - I may not be so forthcoming with windfalls from MY family.

I don't think the OP has given the entire picture at all.

That's what I said, but nothing about this relationship sounds healthy, and now it turns out that they have two older teens living with them half the time which is actually where the extra financial pressure is coming from, he is paying "just over £1000" a month, and OP is paying everything else, but refuses to say how much that is.. I'd be quite surprised if it was much over £1200, and some of that will no doubt be food shopping that the teens are eating, whether or not what she buys is reasonable or not is subjective, seeing as she thinks jackets potatoes aren't a good enough 'meal'.

OP will not acknowledge what her husbands problems are with the situation so chances are he's got some legitimate complaints and she knows it will work against her if she tells the truth.

In fairness, if we had two of DH kids living with us which means we are stretched to our limits, and my DH could get a better job that pays more, yet chooses not to and then chooses to sit around all school holidays like OP does then I would begrudge handing over savings I've been gifted just for it to be swallowed up by living expenses.

There's much more to this than OP is saying, the fact that she didn't even mention the older children until now makes me think that must be part of the problem.

Agree with @sandyhappypeople and there's possibly favouritism with ops adult/older teen dc, given that 4yo doesn't have a room of their own and sleeps in with parents so ops own dc have a room even when not living there! In the dhs shoes, that would possibly me off! Sharing a room with my 4 yo and having 2 rooms left empty for people that don't live there!

What do you mean, "forthcoming"?

I simply can't understand how people can live like this.

If anyone from anyone's family gives us money, it is our money.

The more I read of this thread the more I can understand how so many relationships don't last. People simply don't have a clue what they are actually supposed to be.

@AthWat I'd presume they mean when one party prioritises her absent adult dc over her 4 yo child who permanently lives in that house, and makes them share a bedroom with their parents so they have no personal space?

They mean that by "forthcoming"? Not sure they do.

They aren’t adult
they’re teenagers
either way, the most messed up thing is that the op chose not to reveal she had two teen children from a previous marriage until a poster revealed from the OP’s posting history

As before I think it's more messed up she makes the 4 yo share a room with parents and leaves 2 rooms empty for people who don't live there!

So much messed up about this!

That is exactly what I meant. The dysfunction is dripping from the set up described by OP.

In a healthy functioning household I agree it would be family money, but this isn't the case here. A 4 year old sharing a bedroom with her parents while the two other rooms sit empty 25 days of the month. This is so bizarre and amiss to me and OP is clearly enabling this.

So whilst I think the husband sounds like a bit of a loser, I still wouldn't be making money given to me from my family readily available in this case.

Though he should step up and fix the car.

You can't possibly mean that by "forthcoming". You packed all that into that one word that wasn't even in reference to the OPs situation?

Note that I said "What do you mean by "forthcoming", not "What's your view on the OP's situation?".

No, I said "What do you mean by forthcoming?". Two people have purported to answer that while actually telling me what they think about the OP's situation, as though that was the question I asked. I've pointed this out to them. Do you see the difference?

Then don't get involved, simple solution.

OK then, carry on making interjections and then saying you can't be bothered to think about it when questioned on what you have said. That's really useful.

Also, you're not using enough emojis to really get your point across. More emojis will convince everyone you're doing a great job.

Look, you made a comment suggesting you thought I was doing something stupid. I pointed out why I said what I said, and you said "Oh I can't be bothered to think about it", instead of either ignoring what I said or acknowledging it in a civil way. What's my fault in this?

Every post you make is an attempt to have a go at me, while I just ask you to give some rationale for what you are doing.
Can you honestly not see that?

Your responses are odd and clearly lack comprehension skills.

My first time in Chat, fascinating. Money is often an issue within marriages, me and my wife have always had our own accounts (35 yrs) and a joint account. I believe we have always been honest with each other although Im much more money savvvy and earn a lot more, I did once think we should have a financial counselling session, but I set her up with my IFA and we both more or less manage our own financials, but obviously I pay for more things just as we go, eg holidays or groceries or gifts and money to our beneficiaries. Sorry Im going on a bit, Id say unless as someone suggested you are a spendaholic ( which i dont suggest myself!!! But valid point i suppose!) then you both should have a mutual understanding, I can’t imagine getting a bit of extra money and not sharing that with my wife (we are lesbians btw). I honestly think you need to get that sorted. Having said that……. My mother and Im sure most women on here’s Mothers advised always to have my own independent money, and never trust a man, second one didn’t apply in the end haha.