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Original poster

Husband gifted £5k

730 replies

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 21:05

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

OP posts:
Mysleepingangel · 21/03/2025 22:16

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:09

@Devianinc In so many other ways he's great. Perhaps financially I am expecting too much of him.

OP, when I was working during term time and 3 days, I tutored online with a company (there are many and I can give you a name if you pm me).

This way, I actually earned very similar to my husband and we didn't struggle because I was able to work throughout the school holidays as parents want their kids tutored in holidays too. The pay was good (£20 ph) and because there was no travel involved, it saved me a lot of time too.

So look into that x
All the best

StrivingForSleep · 21/03/2025 22:16

HLTA/LSA/mentor roles when a child has EOTAS aren’t always poorly paid. It would help you to re-read your thread from when you were deciding to leave teaching because this was covered in there.

gamerchick · 21/03/2025 22:17

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 21:16

@MidnightPatrol So if my car packs up I can't work. How do we pay the rent then? And no, I wouldn't expect him to buy me a car God forbid - but perhaps help me out to buy one if he's been gifted money?

Edited

I bloody would. This is the sort of shit you do when you're married. Theres no yours and his money whether you have joint finances or not. Maybe an escape fund if you're miserable.

I'd be asking if you can use his car when yours eventually dies and if he says no, tell him that's fab he's willing to cover all the bills as you won't be able to work until you've found a local job.

What a wanker. I wouldn't dream of letting husband be stressed about money while sitting on a lump of the stuff.

Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:17

@Mysleepingangel Thank you. I'm primary - do you work with this age group? It sounds ideal 😀

OP posts:
Traitorrotiart · 21/03/2025 22:17

I am so shocked at these comments!

You are married , you should be a team, I don’t understand how a husband can have £10k in the bank , then get another £5k and still see his wife struggling .

Up until recently I was in the same position as you OP - supply teacher - I did work in the holidays ( long hours , low pay at a holiday club ) but only 2 days per week as I have children . My DH always made sure things were covered and took some of the heat off me. We’re in a very similar position to you by the sounds of it. Just like when he was out of work due to injury I did the same - I took on extra work to cover it . That’s marriage . There is absolutely no way he would ever get a lump sum like that and not tell me straight away and put it where it needed to be for our family.

i don’t get how when you’re stressed about money he thinks telling you that there is some extra cash coming in will stress you more ?!

ButterCrackers · 21/03/2025 22:19

What was your dh going to do with the money? Thats what Id be asking.

Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:19

@gamerchick He also needs his car for work so wouldn't be an option unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:20

@ButterCrackers He wouldn't have told me about it.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 21/03/2025 22:21

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:20

@ButterCrackers He wouldn't have told me about it.

That’s not right at all.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 21/03/2025 22:23

You husband has a fancy car and is content to not fix yours, even though he has money to help out. Selfish arsehole

OP looks after their child in the holidays so its not viable for her to work two jobs.

I think I would seriously consider leaving. My husband would never let me or the kids go without if he had the money. What kind of man does that?

Mysleepingangel · 21/03/2025 22:24

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:17

@Mysleepingangel Thank you. I'm primary - do you work with this age group? It sounds ideal 😀

Yes, I did work with primary aged children and was with this company for 2 years. It worked wonderfully with a small child/childcare issues as I could do weekend work when my child was looked after by his dad.

CousinBob · 21/03/2025 22:26

Firstly, as a family, the timing belt needs to be prioritised quite highly. Chances are, with that done, your car will last many years.

You both need to be on the same page in regard to what are shared financial commitments eg rent, and what are individual personal expenses. To help do this, we listed all our outgoings, and went through them one by one.

All shared costs we divided by 2, and set up a joint account we both paid into. If there wasn’t enough, we decided what to cut down on, eg cancel Netflix subscription, pet insurance, or did cheaper grocery shopping.

We also have a shared saving account, to cover stuff like unexpected car problems, or vet bills.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 21/03/2025 22:28

You seem to be paying more than 50% of the bills so have no opportunity to put aside anything towards car repairs or replacement. I think you and DH need to sit down with a list of all the household bills and split 50/50.

Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:30

@CousinBob Thank you. I did get a quote for the timing belt but don't have any spare money and there's no point asking my husband. Nothing I can do unfortunately.
We don't have any extras e.g. Netflix or anything like that, I only get my hair cut about once a year etc. So hard to to know where I can save really.

OP posts:
Gribbit987 · 21/03/2025 22:33

Never read a thread with similarly skewed answers.

A married couple who are in financial difficulty and don’t have money beyond absolute essentials… They live pay check to pay check and the wife has a car that is on its last legs. She contributes more than 50% to the marital pot. She marginally earns more but is self employed. So in reality he actually earns more overall.

She is in the teaching profession and is contracted through the LA. A lot of the posts say “if you want to have the summer off” as if she’s lazy. Are all teachers lazy? They all have summer off. They don’t seek second jobs.

So she’s stressed. Money is tight. Urgent expenditure on something that benefits BOTH of them is needed. He isn’t stressed. He’s hoarding secret funds. Driving a sparkly new car.

She doesn’t want the money for breast enlargement. She wants to use it for an unexpected critical situation that would leave her unable to earn and therefore unable to pay their rent. Presumably she also drives around their shared child and uses it for family necessities as well.

It is a massive betrayal to hide assets from your partner. It’s even worse when money is incredibly tight.

mindutopia · 21/03/2025 22:34

I would never expect Dh to automatically share a personal windfall with me. And I wouldn’t with him. I got a £10k payout from work recently. I was like, Jesus, that’s more than I was expecting, but put it right into my personal account.

The difference is, we each have our own money (in addition to joint money) and if something happened where the other really needed some money due to an emergency, of course, we’d step in and help. But it’s still our own individual money to decide what to do with.

That said, if he has the means to save money and has significant savings, and you are jointly in debt then he needs to contribute more to the joint pot. That said, you also seem in quite a precarious situation re: work and I would be looking to find other ways to bring in income when tutoring jobs aren’t available.

holamuchgusto · 21/03/2025 22:35

Your husband was gifted the money by his family. Just because your married doesn't make you entitled if it was given to him. It's for him to chose if he wants to share with you. To expect him to share it with you, is completely unreasonable.

Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:36

@holamuchgusto Sp what do I do when my car's timing belt goes so I can't work?
My MIL told him it was family money.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/03/2025 22:36

OP if your timing belt goes it's catastrophic for your engine. What happens if you're on a fast road? You can't drive it man.

Look, you can mope and wish things were different or you can get the bugger told. Tell him you can't afford to be with him and he needs to tip up half of everything or he can go back to his parents and you can claim UC and CM to top you up.

Tell him you need the cash to get the car seen to or you can't work.

holamuchgusto · 21/03/2025 22:39

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:36

@holamuchgusto Sp what do I do when my car's timing belt goes so I can't work?
My MIL told him it was family money.

Edited

Go to different garages to get quotes to find the cheapest. Look at where you can make savings on your monthly expenditure, to put the money aside. Take on extra work or a second job (you say you don't have any work as a tutor during the holidays, why not take on a second job?). If all else fails, use the bus or a train.

gamerchick · 21/03/2025 22:39

holamuchgusto · 21/03/2025 22:35

Your husband was gifted the money by his family. Just because your married doesn't make you entitled if it was given to him. It's for him to chose if he wants to share with you. To expect him to share it with you, is completely unreasonable.

I've got a vision of you sitting eating a takeaway away in front of your partner while they go hungry because they're skint.

Sound like a reet fun person to bunk up with there Hmm

Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:39

@gamerchick I literally feel sick every day driving on the dual carriageway, and especially when I've got my little one with me. But I've not got the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 22:40

@holamuchgusto How is public transport going to work? I have two children I teach in two separate locations in one day.

OP posts:
holamuchgusto · 21/03/2025 22:40

gamerchick · 21/03/2025 22:39

I've got a vision of you sitting eating a takeaway away in front of your partner while they go hungry because they're skint.

Sound like a reet fun person to bunk up with there Hmm

Show quote history

This is different. His family gifted him the money. He's entitled to keep that money gifted by his own family for himself. It's not a shared asset.

Grammarnut · 21/03/2025 22:41

But it's capital. You shouldn't use capital in place of income.