Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

Well there is one financial you sort out now.

All bills paid from a joint account and you contribute proportionally to income. Cars needed for employment fall into that category.

If you aren’t married that’s different but isn’t the point of marriage to be a family unit?

Have you looked at online tutoring? Are you sure you are charging enough. Tutoring isn’t cheap.

So he had 5k and a new car? Nice parents.
He should have told you if money is tight, I can see why it would be an issue in keeping it a secret

Is he generous for your birthday, Christmas etc and with the DC or is generally mean ? Why can't he help you with the repair cost of your car, surely he understands that no car means no job for you.

Malignant narcissist to covert narcissist.

@everychildmatters Hope you’re doing ok
and that the conversation was at least constructive. It seems as though your sons are picking up toxic traits from your ex-husband so I can imagine that would be adding more to your worries. Can you broach the subject of your husband doing Uber in the evenings? It might bring in some extra income. I’d also try to remind him that the savings could be pooled together to hopefully save for a deposit for a home.

What were your plans if you never knew or if he never got the money.

Good luck getting the OP to answer this question. I - and a multitude of other posters asked it, and she has avoided answering it ALL through the entire thread! 😆

Anything that pays a wage. That 6 weeks of earning could fix the car.

@InvestingMimi and @BatchCookBabe I thought she answered the question here? She specifically said, “So I'm just running it until it goes as what choice do I have?”

You say he will just reply that he "doesn't want to pay more" if you try to talk about household expenses. What about starting from how much you each have left every month for personal spending? Would he enter a discussion about that? I think you both feel that money is tight, so he's hanging onto 'his' savings. Does he think you have personal savings? You definitely need to increase your earnings. He needs to acknowledge how much your joint costs are every month.

I think the risks associated with the timing belt are being somewhat overstated.

The car manufacturer will say in needs to be replaced at ten years / 100k miles based on zero breaking within that limit. They wouldn't want to deal with irate customers that followed the service schedule, but ended up with a totalled vehicle.

I think there is also an element of them nudging people to buy new cars. If you've bought a car from new and then it gets to ten years/100k miles you might think it's not worth the expense on an old car and then you might buy a new one instead.

After ten years there will be some failures, but it will almost certainly be good for another 3 years and probably even longer depending upon the mileage.

If OP's car has done less than 100k miles and is under 15 years old, I wouldn't sweat it too much.

I had mine done at 15 years / 85k miles and the mechanic said it looked like new (Lexus/ Toyota).

It sounds like there are issues between the two of you especially about money - have you always had his/her issues rather than working together?

Your whole situation sounds absolutely insane to me. You sound like you’ve left an abusive situation and found yourself in another abusive situation but you think it’s an improvement because you can see your family and he hasn’t thrown you down the stairs. The thought that I would be struggling while my DH has a flash new car & 15k sat in the bank is madness. You’re married; you’re supposed to work together. If you wanted to spend it on designer handbags then I could understand his reluctance, but if it means the difference between working and not working, it’s going to impact on the family.

They have a bedroom each when they visit, although when my eldest goes to uni in September our daughter will move into his room so she has her own (in with us currently) Absolute madness. Are you thinking they won’t come if they have to share a room? Would you have to pay extra in childcare if they don’t come? If not, then what on earth are you thinking?

We'd need at least a two-bed if the boys didn't come to stay, we're in a 3-bed private rental and that's our absolute limit financially. The house we are in currently is far, far more than we could ever dream of affording. The last estimate on Zoopla was around £582k The pair of you are clearly living way beyond your means. If you don’t want to move, and you can’t get hours in the school holidays then you need to either find a different job completely or find seasonal evening work in a supermarket or bar etc, so you’re not immediately losing your earnings to childcare. Your current situation is just not sustainable. It’s all very well bumbling along from month to month, but if you then can’t afford to maintain your car, your home is at risk.

I've RTFT now and having been in a marriage with a narcissist, yes I can indeed empathise - they are malignant liars and money/power is their only interest. Plus making out the ex is the perpetrator and they are the victim. He took me to family court and I exposed him at every turn, every sitting for 4 years. I'm still married to him after 14 years' separation - he has obstructed the divorce from day 1. Let him.

Your DH
Did he have a relationship/children before you or did he live alone or with his parents?

His parents are very generous towards him and he in turn is saving for your daughter's future in ?her bank account?
This could look like purposely avoiding inheritance tax if they're not careful but that's their issue.

Has your relationship changed since DD arrived? Was she planned? How is DH with her - is he attentive and actively involved in her care/wellbeing?

I just wonder, after reading about your 2 older boys, whether DH is seemingly financially abusing you because he believes you may use 'his' money to support your sons, and that your car is on it's last legs because you can't afford to make ends meet - even though their father is a millionaire and they sound like they want for nothing.

The trouble is, if you two can't be open and honest with each other about everything then you're heading for trouble anyway. Your little girl binds you together and he is responsible for you both - as he still would be if you divorced, so why not work together?

I know it's not funny but you were married to a millionaire so does DH think you're a gold digger of sorts and he's your sugar daddy? Would he say you've got 'form' and that's why he won't share money?

There must be reasons for his behaviour - do you think he's trying to force a split and he's saving up on the quiet?

You need a joint bank account that all your bills come out of - make him financially responsible for himself and his family, not just you.

So hustle for some work to buy yourself a car…
He doesn’t owe you anything

As her husband he does, if she divorced him he’d probably lose more money to her

No, I mean who looks after the OP's children during this time?

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he has enough money to be worth divorcing.

Then you should work our what all the outgoings are and both put the same amount in to split those bills 50/50 so you are able to save something. I disagree with everyone saying that you are spending his gift. I'm not even married and my DP would have this in the joint account we have (we also have our own accounts). I think initially you seem most upset that he did not tell you about it which us strange as even if you had ideas of spending it, he didn't have to, but not to even mention it.......even your SIL expected you to know. I'm wondering if your marriage is good otherwise, he's not planning to leave is he? Make sure you have ALL bank account numbers etc in case you need them. I'm sorry you are getting such negative comments, I'm pretty sure most of these people wouldn't be happy about finding out about a 5k gift to their DH in this way.

You’re married so that should be a joint asset, and yes your husband should help you if you are struggling. Selfish and not kind to keep that to himself. Plus dishonest. My husband and I share assets, he gave me £5k towards my new car when the old one was written off. I put more into the house because I had it at the time. Your husbands dishonesty would really have upset me. You are supposed to be a team. I 100% am with you on this.

A timing belt costs between 300 and 800 to replace …you need another quote. Someone is ripping you off.
Do what you would have done if he had not been gifted the money.
It’s his gift, not yours to spend.

@DearDenimEagle not if it's a wet belt, in particular a Ford. £2k is a high quote possibly the main dealer. I had a conversation recently with a garage selling several of the same model car all requiring wet timing belt change according to the service timings. They said they go 50/50 on purchase of the car and quoted £1900 and said it's £2,700 at Ford. I had one done fairly recently by a local mechanic for around £1,100 (service & MOT at the same time so can't remember exact timing belt cost).

Do they have children? Work shifts, other people do.

OP I really feel for you. I can’t envisage a healthy marriage where a partner would let you drive a potentially dangerous car when they have the ability to do something about it. I also feel for you that clearly you have to bear all responsibly for everything, again, not how a proper partnership should be. To me, him not telling me about the money would be a huge betrayal of trust and I would be so hurt.

I’m also not sure why you are getting a hard time here. I think you have answered every question asked of you so I think some posters have not read the thread clearly and are just piling in!

She gave up her full time well paid job at Christmas. She has managed with childcare for many years.