Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

[theferry]

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

Most parents of 15 year olds are in their 40's and would've been teens in the 90s, I can assure you it was not the dark ages and being gay was perfectly normal and acceptable then. Any older parents have had decades to adjust their outdated homophobic views.

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod people who use religion as an excuse are not using god as an excuse, they’re using their twisted interpretation of god.

Let him leave. Choose your daughter.

We go to church a couple of times a month en famile, gay, straight - all of us.

Quite right, choose your daughter, I did, no regrets.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

I say "so, why does it matter?"

No one's rights are violated by a 15yo girl believing herself to be same-sex attracted and then later changing her mind. No one's body is irreversibly damaged by a 15yo girl believing herself to be same-sex attracted and then later changing her mind. And she might well be lesbian. Having a mental illness doesn't render your sexual orientation fraudulent or invalid.

"I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV"

You have the safer sex talk and the PrEP talk, and you emphasise that the age of consent is 16 for a reason.

"I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men"

Men will do that anyway because she's female.

"I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Straight people can be child-free. You don't have a right to DGC.

Take note of the poster who said her mum made some nasty remarks and she's never forgiven her @theferry I had two relatives do the same. They, nor the person who should have, ever apologised. Got told I was making a fuss by other family members. I'm never forgiven them and the less I have to do with them, the better as far as I'm concerned. They are all liberal now with their trans and gay friends but they can f off as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, bye ex-H. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out ✌️
Enjoy your lonely life.

I hope the door doesn't hit his arse on the way out.

If your DD's relationship is chaste, with adult supervision to ensure no safeguarding concerns, then WTF is his problem?

Based on this and his other comments I would tell him to go fuck himself. Then get the divorce papers ready.

I wouldn’t be married to someone homophobic.

Having just seen that DD is possibly autistic, as an autistic bisexual woman I feel compelled to say: being autistic doesn't invalidate your sexual orientation either.

It is fine for your dd to be exploring her sexuality, or feel she is gay at 15. However, it really isn't okay to say your dh cannot feel uncomfortable that dd is in a serious relationship, at 15 years old. I'm sure he would be the same with a boy as well? I know my df would have thought it was too young. Can we say for certain that this is a sexuality matter op?

Edited to say, I see there's a bit of a drip feed; with information that should have been included in the original post. If this is the case than yes it would make your dh homophobic. However why he would be thinking of marriage at 15, I have no idea; talk about jumping ahead. Also being autistic has nothing to do with somebody's sexuality!

Stop tagging me. To you and all the others.

I gave an alternative viewpoint to consider.

I have had enough of being called names including "homophobic" for merely expressing another view.

I have never once mentioned my own views
Clearly nobody is bothering to read the rest of my post.

This is how people get silenced and it's scary.

Nothing in my post represents homophobia.

I'm utterly sick of this now.

I won't be replying anymore and will report anymore name calling and defamatory accusations

I never mentioned autism FFS

ArcticBlast
**
…… It's not realistic to deny that parents can have those emotions.”

Oh I’m not denying it. I’m just saying that they’re not great parents. Imagine how it must feel, spending the whole of your life knowing that your parents are “disappointed” about who you are.

@ArcticBlasts - I really wouldn't bother trying to defend your exploration of why people may have the ideas they have - it'll be turned on you and you'll be labelled a "homophobe".

This thread is looking for a "group think" echo chamber and even daring to suggest the op may need to talk to her DH and explore why he has the feelings he does (like a normal marriage) and challenge any pre conceived ideas he has , the OP has to divorce "the homophobic cunt" . End of story. Full stop.

Because that's how we get along in society nowadays isn't it. Instead of challenging people's views and picking apart why they feel like that, we shut them up and pretend it's all gone away because we called them a "cunt". Riots anyone ? Views should be free to be aired, that way they can be challenged and debated and you never know , perhaps they'll even learn something.

@Jalapenosplease just turn GB News up a little louder then you won’t hear us.

Well said. I find it terrifying the way there is absolutely no nuance to any debate any longer. Just lots of mud slinging and name callling. Lots of assumptions about how others vote, what their views about other matters are, categorising and boxing everyone up. The very thing they condemn in others. It’s so depressing.

@Jalapenosplease yes to challenge any preconceived ideas.

I think it’s wrong to assume challenging those ideas would be enough to make change his attitude. I mean you just to have to look around to the number of people who hold questionable ‘preconceived ideas’ to see that challenging isn’t nearly enough to do so. And the fact you’d quickly be told ‘freedom of expression’ and that you should respect those for many unsavoury to you (or simply bonkers) views.

The difference here is that it’s the OP’s dh. Its her dd father.
Whatever way the OP handles the situation, she’ll have to find a way that will the message to her dd that being a lesbian is ok.
Divorcing her dh won’t change the fact she’ll get exposed to his views unfortunately.
But you also have to acknowledge that it is akso ok for the OP to think these are views she finds too abhorrent to stay married with him. What she’ll decide is a different matter.

'There were very fine people on both sides' 🙄

People are calling your words homophobic because that's how they read to people who aren't. If you really think you aren't then I would suggest you are much more careful with your choice of words, to not sound like you are.

@theferry

Could you ask your GP about being referred to the local team which does assessments, OP?

I'm thinking about the potential advantages to having a proper diagnosis.

There is something very odd about an15 year old girl telling her mother she intends to sleep with her friend before she’s done it. Then the mother alerting the father. It’s deeply weird.

Thanks for your balanced reply.

As it happens, I do agree with you.

I just think he may harbour some views that can be discussed with his wife (the OP) he may be in "shock" and is doing 'knee jerk ' reactions. In my opinion, it'd be more adult , especially seeing as they are married, to calmly discuss the why behind his reaction.

Then if he does indeed reveal that he doesn't like the fact she's gay because he is against the notion of being gay, then yes, absolutely, that is a hill to die on as a mother of a gay child.

But these angry, vitriolic posters jumping the gun, who want to skip the discussion part , end a long marriage without first talking and call anyone who is putting forward suggestions other than " bin the homophobic cunt" , and then calling ME a homophobe are disgraceful. They are the reason people find the left/far left abhorrent. Shouting down and name calling is not the behaviour of a reasonable adult.

So if your 15yo DD came to you saying she intended to sleep with her boyfriend, would you

1. Talk to her about it, make sure it would be safe, sane and consensual, discuss contraception, discuss the benefits of waiting a while vs going ahead and then have a chat with your life partner about the step your DD was proposing to take, or
2. Tell her you think it's weird for a teenager to talk to her mother (whom one presumes she trusts)?

This is not weird. OP and her DD have a strong relationship based on trust. I would expect a 15 year old to come to a trusted parent to talk about these big things in their lives. My two certainly did.

It would be weird but that hasn't happened. She isn't sleeping with her girlfriend

But she’s alerting her mother that she intends to!