Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

[theferry]

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

My concern is suspect ASD, is she vulnerable OP? Or is this a harmless relationship. If your husband wants to leave then shut the door behind him, is he going to threaten you to leave over all aspects of your daughter growing up?

Your husband is right, obviously. What utter filth - a 15-year old having a sexual relationship. Why?????

Literally said that's not happening.

Is he her father?

Her girlfriend is also autistic—it’s all very harmless. I have wondered if this is more about mutual support than a romantic relationship. Time will tell. They only see each other every few weeks at her house mostly (occasionally here). It’s always under the supervision of either her parents or me. It’s barely a relationship. Definitely not sexual.

I couldn't be in a relationship or a friendship with someone who has views like this. So wholehes threatening to leave you how do you feel about a relationship whith him now you know he's like this?

Also how aware of his view is your daughter and your conflict?

He won't be invited to her wedding, regardless of who it's to, if he behaves like he is now.

In your position I would repeat to DH that he has said that his only problem with DD dating is that he thinks she is too young, and then I would ask him outright why that would mean he wouldn't go to her wedding. Give him time and space to think about the answer.

I'd then make it abundantly clear that the only place I would be on my DD's wedding day is at the top table in her wedding. With or without him.

A 15 year old having sex is not utter filth. It’s a 15 year old with poor judgment who needs some support. And statistically, more 15 year olds are having sex. It’s starting very young now. That’s not good, they need to education on it and help but it’s not filth. I hope you don’t have kids or grandkids because that is just not the way to speak.

But also, this particular 15 year old is not having sex. Having a girlfriend does not equal having sex.

Parents fall into two camps. Those who think 15 is too young for any relationship and those who think a sexual relationship at 15 is normal.

OP said she discussed sex with her DD which made me think it could be on the cards. Why even bother discussing it if it were out of the question ( so please don’t ffs me!!)

I think the dad is just speaking before thinking as mentioning a wedding is extreme.

Those mentioning same sex adolescent crushes are speaking from experience. Doesn’t mean they are anti lesbian at all. Just that this could be a phase so not to immediately suggest she is gay as she might suffer equally from then finding she’s not, and trying to explain that she’s actually heterosexual

Unfortunately you have discovered your husband is homophobic, I couldn’t live with this but obviously other people have their own boundaries of what they find acceptable in their partners. Maybe he can be educated.

Actually I think there's a third camp that falls in the middle.

Parents who don't think it's "ok" for 15 year olds to have sex but accept that their 15 year old might decide they're ready anyway, regardless of their parents feelings. And those parents will have a conversation around sex and how to be physically and emotionally safe about it, in case that's where it's heading.

I think any parent who has a child who is in a relationship for the first time, regardless of whether they're 15 or 18, should be having that conversation. It's better for the child to be prepared and know they can talk to their parents safely than to think that they have to hide something massive that happens to them.

Open and accepting parents. That's your third camp.

I think your DH has a point that as parents we are allowed to try and impose our world view on our children. He may believe in traditional family values and hence it’s in his right not to approve of this relationship as his DD is a child. Alternate ways of thinķing don’t need to be accepted by everyone, some people just want their children to be traditional.

Precisely this. This third camp is also the 'realist' one; those who probably don't like the idea of their 15-YO having sex but know that it's at least a realistic possibility. And, if it were, I'd rather they were in my confidence so I could at least help with the necessary information and education.

If you say 'no' to a teenager, what's the first thing they will go out and do?

One's sexuality is not a choice or a lifestyle.

Then they need to rethink because being gay isn’t a choice. It’s not an ‘alternate way of thinking’. Not accepting your child’s sexuality is like not accepting your child’s eye color, it just is what it is.

You can want anything for your children. Does t mean they will be that. They are their own people with their own minds and wired how they are. Not accepting them as a whole person because you want them to "be traditional" is only going to cause them to pull away from you.

That's one of the reasons so many on here end up NC.

It sounds a bit as though you're hoping it turns out that she's not really a lesbian so that you won't have to confront or leave your husband for his homophobia. Whatever happens with your dd's current relationship or her sexuality, your husband has shown you who he is.

He isn't making any sense.

She's 15 and in a relationship, which he feels is too young and therefore he wouldn't attend a future wedding on the basis of her having a relationship at 15. Insane.

I suspect this is homophobia rearing it's head and he's just trying to cover hir stupid arse.

One of my friends left her husband for the way he reacted when their son came out as gay a couple of years ago.

Value and model that particular worldview by all means - but if the worldview relates to sexuality then you can model until the cows come home and it will make no earthly difference.

When it comes to imposition, as parent to a young child you're of course 'allowed' to try that all you want, but as they grow, it's an ill-advised strategy. Your children are their own people. They'll make their own way, and be who they are, and you can either support that or try to impose an alternative will on them. Depending on their personality this might work for a time, but not indefinitely and certainly not once they reach adulthood. They will almost certainly distance themselves and would be right to do so.

Oh please. Saying you'd never go to the wedding, as DH has done, is homophobic.

Parents are welcome to feed sad about maybe not becoming a grandparent in the usual way or etc, but those thoughts should remain in their heads. Gay people are no more at risk than anyone else if they practice safe sex. Also, it truly doesn't matter if someone identifies as a lesbian then changes their mind. Young people are entitled to explore their sexuality. If you have 'concerns' about someone's sexuality go and sort them out in therapy. It would never get phrased that way about a straight couple, when in reality I'd be far more terrified of my daughter dating men one day due to the sheer amount of women who experience domestic violence from men.

Also the amount of people surprised by the prospect two teens may want to have sex...this has been going on for as long as the human race has been here. Yes you don't encourage it, but if teens really want sex, they will, and all you can do is encourage safety. The age of consent is 16, but the law is very clear that that doesn't exist to punish two fifteen year olds.

Also, commenting on the mental health of lesbians and comparing someone exploring their sexuality to a rebellion is homophobic. Learn some history. It wasn't too long ago homosexuality was classified as mental illness.

Anyway, OP, you need to back your daughter and not tolerate your husband's views. I'm a lesbian and my dad called me vile and abnormal when I came out, and it's stuck with me. Gay people already experience disproportionately more mental illness, don't let your daughter be one of them.

Honestly this thread is depressing af as an actual adult lesbian.

If you want 'traditional' children and can't handle the thought of your kids being gay, don't have kids.

She's not in a sexual relationship. OP has said that it's very innocent and hardly a relationship.

You sound like a caricature of 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells', railing about 'utter filth'. Sometimes I can't believe that you are a real person.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

I'm intrigued. What 'thoughts' can you have about your child bring gay which are neither acceptance nor homophobic? If you mean worries about discrimination they may face, then a) you can have those worries but still totally accept your child's sexuality and you would not br attacked for that and b) if they are likely to face bullying or discrimination, thenly need your full acceptance and support all the more!

@Ladamesansmerci - I'm sorry you experienced that hideous reaction from your own father. It's a rejection of who you fundamentally are, and few things are more painful, especially coming from your own flesh and blood.

The post you quoted received a lot of responses, but the first paragraph - that's 'there's only one response to a child being gay and that's "accept" it' - stood out. That poster claimed that this is some kind of epochal norm, a matter of 'eras' in which particular things are and are not acceptable, and that those things shift with time.

In fact, it's universal. It's not deducible to era at all. There is, and only ever has been, one reasonable response. If your child is gay, you accept that.

People can and could kick against it all they like, but all that results is a lot of unhappiness and fractured families. Are these sorts of parents the ones who insist 'I have no idea what I did wrong' when their DC inevitably go NC?

My love for my child is unconditional.