Page 8 | Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

DreamTheMoors · 15/03/2025 15:45

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:28

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

Your husband is a religious person, I take it.

Have him take it up with whichever God he chooses to believe in.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/03/2025 15:46

Theworried2 · 15/03/2025 15:17

I think your DH has a point that as parents we are allowed to try and impose our world view on our children. He may believe in traditional family values and hence it’s in his right not to approve of this relationship as his DD is a child. Alternate ways of thinķing don’t need to be accepted by everyone, some people just want their children to be traditional.

If having 'traditional family values' is a euphemism for being homophobic, her DH doesn't have a point. If by 'alternate ways of thinking' you mean same sex relationships, I think parents do need to accept them if they still want to have a loving relationship with their child. Sexual orientation isn't a choice. If you reject your child because they are gay, you are a terrible person.

Original poster

theferry · 15/03/2025 15:49

DreamTheMoors · 15/03/2025 15:45

Your husband is a religious person, I take it.

Have him take it up with whichever God he chooses to believe in.

Show quote history

Couldn’t be less religious if he tried.

OP posts:

Kahless · 15/03/2025 15:55

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:41

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Of course, we know all this feelings can be explored and explained away, but not everyone was bought up in the current climate and don't readily have the knowledge that others do. Some people aren't good at wording those feelings and instead it comes out as anger or fear.

I think it's worth having a sit down conversation before writing your DH off as a "homophobe" (not that you suggested that ) he'll come round if your DD does end up being gay. He loves her after all.

Underage sex may also play into his concerns which is understandable.

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

If your child tells you they are gay, then you should accept it. It's ok to worry about them, but you need to support your child.

Ponderingwindow · 15/03/2025 15:56

The correct response is to tell him to pack a bag and to not let the door hit him on his way out.

When our ASD child came out. She got 100% support in our household.

people who don’t love your child unconditionally don’t deserve your love.

BruceAndNosh · 15/03/2025 15:57

Nobody is making HIM be a lesbian.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 15/03/2025 16:00

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:30

The DH is not opposed to his DD being lesbian. He is opposed to a 15yr old having sex. I’m with him in this. 16 is the age of consent in the U.K. for any kind of sexual activity. OP seems ok with sex in the relationship because she’s had a talk with DD. I’d be of a mind that a relationship is fine, but no sex until 16.

Edited

OP didn’t say her DD was having sex in the opening post, and confirmed that she isn’t in an update. And would appear to have had exactly the kind of conversation you advocate here.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 15/03/2025 16:02

Hwi · 15/03/2025 14:47

Your husband is right, obviously. What utter filth - a 15-year old having a sexual relationship. Why?????

What a vile post. Filth ??? She’s a fifteen year old girl and OP has not only not said they were having sex, but confirmed they are not in an update. I suggest the only ‘filth’ here is that your mind went straight to sex. OP can’t stop her daughter having sex - no parent can. We can only try to instil why there is an age of consent, and equip them to be as safe and responsible as they can when they do have sex.

redboxer321 · 15/03/2025 16:05

Theworried2 · 15/03/2025 15:17

I think your DH has a point that as parents we are allowed to try and impose our world view on our children. He may believe in traditional family values and hence it’s in his right not to approve of this relationship as his DD is a child. Alternate ways of thinķing don’t need to be accepted by everyone, some people just want their children to be traditional.

He can believe what he likes but you need to have a look at yourself if your beliefs are damaging your child which they will be doing in this situation.

Also, he might not find himself in a traditional family unit for much longer if the OP decides to divorce her homophobic DH which she might just do.

Swuirrelsaremarauders · 15/03/2025 16:05

She’s 15. She’s hasn’t come out as gay. She hasn’t had a sexual relationship with the other girl yet . What a lot of histrionic nonsense. Maybe in time she will decide she is gay, or have an actual sexual relationship with the other girl, or someone else rather than a proposed one. It’s far too soon to be talking about walking out and weddings.

I find it odd that the OP knows so much about her daughter’s fantasies quite honestly.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 15/03/2025 16:06

Who's right? This must be a wind up? Your daughter is obviously right, and you might need to leave your husband if his views are so prejudiced and damaging.

dodgyplant · 15/03/2025 16:06

Snorlaxo · 15/03/2025 13:20

How old are you Jalapeño ? I’m late 40s and don’t know anyone who would argue that being homophobic is ok.

I wouldn’t want my 15 year old having sex but dating is normal and it wouldn’t bother me in the least that my child was gay (or bi)

Age is nothing to do with it. Infact that's ageist.

I'm curious as to why the father is talking about " not being at a wedding" Hilarious really.

redboxer321 · 15/03/2025 16:08

Swuirrelsaremarauders · 15/03/2025 16:05

She’s 15. She’s hasn’t come out as gay. She hasn’t had a sexual relationship with the other girl yet . What a lot of histrionic nonsense. Maybe in time she will decide she is gay, or have an actual sexual relationship with the other girl, or someone else rather than a proposed one. It’s far too soon to be talking about walking out and weddings.

I find it odd that the OP knows so much about her daughter’s fantasies quite honestly.

How to tell everyone you know nothing about sexuality without saying: "I know nothing about sexuality."

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 15/03/2025 16:08

Swuirrelsaremarauders · 15/03/2025 16:05

She’s 15. She’s hasn’t come out as gay. She hasn’t had a sexual relationship with the other girl yet . What a lot of histrionic nonsense. Maybe in time she will decide she is gay, or have an actual sexual relationship with the other girl, or someone else rather than a proposed one. It’s far too soon to be talking about walking out and weddings.

I find it odd that the OP knows so much about her daughter’s fantasies quite honestly.

What has OP said about fantasies?

She's said her daughter has told them she's lesbian and is in a non sexual relationship with another girl of the same age.

No one is talking about fantasies except you.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/03/2025 16:10

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it "

Well, yes, finally we have. Why so invested in who your DC want to go to bed with? It’s one tiny part of what makes them who they are and is genetically defined. So it’s ‘your fault’ if they’re gay. Take that to your church and fix yourself. Oops.

pointythings · 15/03/2025 16:12

I think your DH has a point that as parents we are allowed to try and impose our world view on our children.

No, we aren't. We are allowed to raise our children in a way that aligns with our world views and beliefs. However, if it is clear that our children are choosing their own path as they move towards adulthood, it's our job to suck that up. All the people I know who had their parents' world views 'imposed' on them have very problematic relationships with their parents, in many cases to the point of no contact. As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Swuirrelsaremarauders · 15/03/2025 16:18

redboxer321 · 15/03/2025 16:08

How to tell everyone you know nothing about sexuality without saying: "I know nothing about sexuality."

Show quote history

Very untrue actually. I was that 15 year old girl.

PinkArt · 15/03/2025 16:21

Swuirrelsaremarauders · 15/03/2025 16:05

She’s 15. She’s hasn’t come out as gay. She hasn’t had a sexual relationship with the other girl yet . What a lot of histrionic nonsense. Maybe in time she will decide she is gay, or have an actual sexual relationship with the other girl, or someone else rather than a proposed one. It’s far too soon to be talking about walking out and weddings.

I find it odd that the OP knows so much about her daughter’s fantasies quite honestly.

Fucking hell the lesbian erasure on this chat has been wild to read. Right back to Victorian times.
I knew I was straight when I was 8 and wanted to be Kylie Minogue and marry Jason Donovan. Didn't have a label for it but boy = dreamy, girl = I really want a hat like that, that I can pull my dream 80s perm through.
To suggest the OP's daughter at 15 is a fantasist because she, sensibly, hasn't moved her relationship to a sexual level yet is as crazy as it is homophobic. They aren't fucking but presumably there is some teen snogging etc going on for the girls to identify their relationship as girlfriends and not friends. Even if there isn't, she recognizes her own feelings and emotions. Teenagers aren't stupid, they know the difference between someone you like as a friend and someone you like like.
OP, I'm so sorry you've found out you're married to a shit. If there was really no sign of how homophobic he is then that must be a heck of a thing to find out after so long. I'd make it clear that his rejection of his daughter is absolutely a deal breaker and if he wants to leave he is very welcome to. And keep supporting your daughter as you have been. That she felt comfortable coming out to you at a relatively young age suggests you have a great relationship with her.

beachcitygirl · 15/03/2025 16:26

He’s homophobic and so are you @Jalapenosplease I can’t personally understand all these people that don’t get worried and anxious about heterosexual teenage girls, they’re the ones who’ll be alone with boys, they’re the ones at risk of violence, sexual pressure, porn culture, pregnancy and domestic violence.
it’s frankly upsetting & worrying but we can all
see through your (very) thinly veiled homophobia.
a lot of autistic people come out younger for many well documented reasons
a) they are often more logical and don’t see differences- ie love is love
b) they’ve already dealt with being different and the challenges that come with that
c) they’ve already dealt being bullied, many autistic kids are.
so no reason to stay closeted.
thank goodness most of our society and particularly the decent ones think of being gay as extremely normal and hardly worthy of comment or worry.
the op husband is a bigot. It’s horrible but it’s a fact. I don’t believe for one minute he’ll embrace her sexuality the minute she turns 16.
kids always have crushes, send valentines cards etc even in primary school. Jokes are told by uncles about “boyfriends” or girlfriends and teeth falling out from kissing. Disney movies are mostly about falling in love.
underage sex is a horse of a different colour but the op has stated her and her daughter are open and talking . That’s healthy and normal at 15 which is when most kids start dating or kissing. Always has been.
I’d pack his bags OP if he doesn’t do a full 360 on this

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/03/2025 16:27

DreamTheMoors · 15/03/2025 15:45

Your husband is a religious person, I take it.

Have him take it up with whichever God he chooses to believe in.

Show quote history

This upsets me. I am 'religious'; I know many religious heterosexuals, lesbians and homosexuals and last time I checked, all of us were cool with it.

Only the OT talks about the sin of homosexuality but anyone who is religious knows that Jewish leaders heavily supplemented the laws of Moses, and they were just men. Jesus tended to love the outcasts and the marginalised, and he encouraged everyone to understand each other and live in peace.

I realise I haven't done that well at this, given my post, but I think it's worth pointing out the hypocrisy of one bigot berating another.

prelovedusername · 15/03/2025 16:31

The OP has said that they suspect autism in their DD. That has a bearing because her chronological age may not necessarily fit with her developmental age in terms of relationships. I would be concerned about this becoming a sexual relationship just yet. I think her DH is right to be concerned.

DreamTheMoors · 15/03/2025 16:33

theferry · 15/03/2025 15:49

Couldn’t be less religious if he tried.

Show quote history

What’s his excuse, then?
Is he just out-and-out homophobic?
Or is he saying, “No child of mine will ever be…”

My dad and brother were both homophobic - my cousin came out about 20 years ago and suddenly they were very accepting and supportive and welcoming.

I laugh to myself every time I think about that.

curious79 · 15/03/2025 16:36

What are you going to do? Not support it and potentially lose your daughter?

your DH is a tool and needs to get some therapy

Cattreesea · 15/03/2025 16:42

OP thankfully your daughter has you to be supportive and understanding.

Your husband is reacting in a very immature way.

It is perfectly normal for a 15 year old to start being interested in and learn about relationships.

Also the fact that your daughter likes another girl means no risk of pregnancy if/when they move on to sex ands she is also less likely to face the type of pressures that girls can face from some teenage boys who have been exposed to online porn....

I would just keep an eye to make sure she is happy and that this girl and her parents are the type of people you can trust and have similar values to yours. Talk to her about healthy relationships and boundaries.

Basically the type of things you should do when a teenager has their first relationship, gay or not.

I would have a firm conversation with your husband to say that he should not in any way imply to your daughter that she is doing anything wrong.

You don't want her to start feeling guilt and shame about being gay or bi.

We need to call out homophobia. So that kids like your daughter can grow up in a world where they don't need to hide who they are.

Foxesandsquirrels · 15/03/2025 16:47

It's actually quite common for people to be ok with LGBT stuff until it's their kid. So I believe OP wouldn't have expected it before. Not much you can do OP. Teens will have sex at each others houses, I guess at least you don't have to worry about teen pregnancy but still have the conversation with her, STIs are still a thing even if pregnancy isn't.