How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

I just deleted my reply I can't be arsed no more .

That's not a dig at you.
I have explained over and over . There not much more I can say.

OP, you keep saying he’s been away already and it’s not fair on the other kids. Did YOU take him away? Or was it done off his own back with his own earnings? If it’s the latter then the situations are not comparable. You are planning a family holiday and excluding him.

This was the line you used when trying to have DS17 taken into care under Section 20, if I recall?

When you have multiple children, a parent has to consider the needs of all children simultaneously. You don't take sides or show favouritism because that's emotional abuse. It's not easy. Every parent of more than 1 child knows that.

It seems you've given up on DS in the last year. Poor boy. He'll be 18 soon and then really has noone to look out for him.

FYI - his sister will only be taking him in because no one else will. Shes got her own children and needs too. That's what giving a shit looks like.

Ok im going to be plunt . I will wait to be ripped apart.

Ds was aggressive and violent towards me. We went through hell it was awful. This did come under domestic violence. But many people on here do not recognise child to patent violence. Dd saw this and was part victim verblely and gas lighting wise. And what she witness . One of the things I will never forget is her crying hugging me up the top of the stairs crying saying I'm scared he's going to hurt you . As much as things have got better . Dd is still very effected by what happend . She does things like check if ds is here before she will put her music on. She's always checking if he's around before she does normal teenage stuff. She gets stressed being in the same room.

Ds has had lots of help and support counselling therapy etc. And things are much better than they were we do get on ok . But he's still very hard work.

At the time when ds was getting help i asked for help for dd ie counselling/therapy or something as dd had been very effected by things that have happend. There was nothing for her. Hence she's still effected by things now because she hasn't been able to deal with things. There was a referral to CAMHS but that's a long wait. We have tried kooth . Also reached out to her school abd they said they can do some counselling. But there's gaps of 3 weeks at a time and the last time she was seem was for 15 mins.

Maybe dd trulely needs this holiday. To do something nice and not feel she had to worry. As I keep saying lots of people are not considering dd .

OP, I've skimmed through so apologies if I missed key bits. I totally understand your need for a break. I think you should have one.

When you use the word 'difficult' I immediately think Autistic/ADHD. Difficult is the word I always used and still do as a parent.

A professional cannot rule this out at all without a proper assessment. Many psychiatrists in CAMHS will tell you your kid is this and that. If they haven't had an assessment which follows ADOS2 process for Autism, they really can't say for certain he isn't Autistic. It should involve more than one professional also as part of the assessment. We had 3!

I read an article this week saying one area in Scotland has cancelled every person on a waiting list for an autism assessment. No follow up, nothing. They lie, they're incompetent, I would not rule this out. The right diagnosis and even appropriate meds might make everyone's life a bit less shite.

Personality disorders may come along with all this but being Autistic and living in this world can really increase risk of a personality disorder. Maybe it isn't even a personality disorder at all. Women in particular are often told by some random psych they have borderline personality disorder when they're actually Autistic. No one ever assessed them.

What screams out here anyway as not ok is the part where you bring the other adult child with you for company.

Is there any other adult? A friend or anyone with a kid who could tag along?

You and the 3 youngest, yes, that is easily explained and justified. Older son will have to accept that.

My mum would do things like arrange things, leave me out and lie. I always knew it was bullshit. I'm not difficult either. I have a very dysfunctional family! It's just not a good feeling, it's hard to justify and he knows he's difficult already. Not your fault. But, bringing along the other adult child is not going to be something you will be able to lie about and have him buy it imo.

Wtf are you purposely leaving stuff out just to make me look bad just to cause a pile on . That's nasty.

For your information there was no section 20 although I did look into it in order to protect myself and my other children. Selfish me hey trying to get protection from a 6ft 4 child . I guess if I had not tried to do something I would have been ripped apart for not protecting my other children.

Anyway ds is in supported accommodation not under section 20. He basically stays there half the week and here the other half. But it can vary slightly. Even when he does not sleep here he's here alot during the day . He even does stuff like go there 10pm at night sleep then come back here at 6am it basically depends how he feels.

There's a group on FB called 'Parents of conduct disorder children ' which might be useful OP.

Absolutely horrendous. They're begging the state to take the kids because the behaviour is terrifying. It's USA focused.

Severe violence and incredibly dark behaviour. If you are dealing with this OP, it's hideous from what I've seen.

I don't know how one gets assessed for that in this country. By age 18, they will be looking instead at sociopathy or psychopathy as conduct disorder is only a term used for under 18. I imagine the mental health team are just sat waiting til he's 18 to dump you alone with it all.

Yes, you need a break for sure.

Some people are utterly clueless about caring. If you need a break from your son there is absolutely no shame in taking one and being open about needing respite. The younger children could well need the break from him, too. It is not always easy for people with additional needs to understand that their carers need a break but it’s important. Professionals and other organisations involved in supporting him should be helping to communicate this in a sensitive and constructive way.

Go, have a brilliant time. In my experience anyone who dares comment would not last a day in your shoes!

DS is in supported accommodation

Drip feed.

So this child doesn't get to live with his Mum and she also won't take him on holiday.

Which of you still have a social worker involved? DS must have s SW. Do your children have a SW? Does your adult DDs children still have a SW? What is the opinion of the social workers on your plans?

OP, I suggest you stop responding to posters who clearly have not read and understood all your responses.
What you are suggesting is entirely reasonable.

He has been told he has emotional dysregulation. Because he can't be diagnosed with a personality disorder until he's 18. He was under CAMHS for quite a long time. His case has been closed . I don't even know if they will reopen it once he's 18 to look into personality disorder or simlar it's hard work getting into CAMHS in the first place. To be honest it won't be CAMHS i think it would be adult mental health services. But I have heard they are awful. But really that's something to find out I guess urs still a waiting game for now

Please don't twist what i have said. The rest of your post is totally wrong to. Are you getting a kick out of shit stiring . Does it make you feel good

I know... 😔

With the greatest respect, why can’t you just go on holiday with the younger ones on your own? They are your children, why on earth do you need your adult DS to keep you company?

OK. This situation is obviously incredibly complex, more and more so as you say more about your circumstances. I think you will damage your relationship with him further if you exclude him. I also think you’re right that it will be a better holiday for your other children without him. It is up to you which set of consequences you elect to take. Good luck x

With respect... im allowed company its allowed....

OP's situation is indeed very complex. The new info about her son being violent decides it, doesnt it?

Yes you are allowed company. But there are millions of single mums all over the world who manage to go on holiday without an adult son to keep them company. They are your kids, not his. Regardless of your other children’s additional needs, they are not his responsibility and it’s not his job to keep you company.

If you were going with just your younger children or even just your DD it would be easier for your other DS to understand.

I get that you need a break, but ostracising one DS whilst including the other DS to keep you company is not fair on everyone involved even you.

That's your opinion. I don't care what other single mothers do . I don't care what you think Is his responsibility and what is not. He's not being forced to come he wants to . I will say it again im allowed company. I don't care what other parents do. I'm not going to sit there on my own with no adult company if I don't have to .

He has improved such alot . He really has . But dd needs that time .

You need to do whatever you need to do. People won't understand your situation which I can tell is very difficult.

Just do whatever you can to make it as truthful as possible when you tell your son. I think that's the best you can do. He's had a holiday, you're taking the other one for assistance with the younger kids.

That's not a lie. I think if you lie round it it's going to be awful for you too. He'll know you're lying I bet. So the above is absolute fine really.

If he kicked off saying I want to go, remind him he's had a holiday. You need one and you need supporting with the younger kids, hence older child. That's fine.

Op, I would suggest looking at Jet2 instead of Thomas Cook. Oh and ignore the negative posters who have either not read everything or who don't have a drop of compassion in them. Hope you are well x

Well take her then??!
You don't ever take advice but get snippy when people suggest something that isn't what you intend to do. Take your daughter and do the right thing by telling your son.

Yeah I'm not going to lie to him he will know adult ds is coming with me . Its just exposing to him why he's not coming. I don't want to say to him he's hard work . That would be awful. So I didn't know how to explain to him. But I guess it just comes under you (he) has already had/having a few holidays .

It's not getting snippy its trying to explain the situation. I have had a mix of nasty/misunderstanding/just not getting it ect . Replying or trying to explain does not =snippy . Should I just roll over ? I have no right to reply etc .