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Original poster

How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

354 replies

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:12

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 19:21

crushedbandicoot · 14/03/2025 18:32

It does sound like you can trust your dd to take good care of him, and include him in some fun parties etc.

They do get on and are similar in some ways. They do kitchen vibes at her place. Where basically their friends go over. And they have a few drinks music etc. Last time dd let him give her a tattoo 🙄. He's going out with her and a couple of friends whilst I baby sit this weekend . Adult ds is the complete opposite to them he will avoid that sort of things . He rarely drinks . He comes over once a week on one of his days off. If he meets up with friends its normally for a coffee or lunch.

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/03/2025 21:16

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 17:57

I guess so . It just felt complicated. I guess it's not really

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Your feelings are complicated and that's understandable. You love him and care for his emotional welfare, but it's absolutely OK to put you and the other kids first for once.

If he was a young kid I'd probably feel different but he's got to learn that he's not the only person that matters here and there will be other opportunities for him to have a holiday with you in future.

MsBucket · 14/03/2025 21:36

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 18:14

He's not been in 50 holidays. If i put that somewhere it would have been a mistake. He's been on 1 holiday so far he's going on another in may. Then another next year. Its very hard to explain how ds is . We would definitely do days out etc . To be honest he does quite a bit when dd gos out for family days he tags along to . And when I go out he comes to. And we also go out as a whole group as well. So he sort of does double what the others do.

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@Youagain2025 Thanks for clarifying. I think your son needs to just adjust to the fact that he can’t get everything he wants. You’re only being fair. You don’t need to justify having a break. You need it. And I do think you should do it more frequently and perhaps it might help make IRL friends.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 22:35

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/03/2025 21:16

Your feelings are complicated and that's understandable. You love him and care for his emotional welfare, but it's absolutely OK to put you and the other kids first for once.

If he was a young kid I'd probably feel different but he's got to learn that he's not the only person that matters here and there will be other opportunities for him to have a holiday with you in future.

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Yes i could tell him he's been away already and its now other people's turn. next time we can go we can all go together.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 14/03/2025 23:10

The three youngest are going on their first holiday with you. Eldest DS is only coming to help 9-y-old DS.

So you tell DS that! Point out "the younger three haven't been away at all, but I might need help with 9 y-o, so oldest DS is coming too - because he regular helps with them it seemed fairest to invite him." Any pushback, and a clear "no, this is a holiday for DC 4,5 &6. DD isnt coming either. You have lots of fantastic trips booked already".

Being told that, actually, he is nearly 18, and he cant always the only priority is important for his development.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 23:15

MsBucket · 14/03/2025 21:36

@Youagain2025 Thanks for clarifying. I think your son needs to just adjust to the fact that he can’t get everything he wants. You’re only being fair. You don’t need to justify having a break. You need it. And I do think you should do it more frequently and perhaps it might help make IRL friends.

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I checked on my posts and had not said 50 but another poster did mention 50 so maybe it came from there . Never mind. I'm hoping he will understand at the end of the day he's been away. I'm not very good at making friends. I feel like my life and head is to full of stuff and that I don't have time for friends. But I don't mean time as in hours . I mean in life. Not sure that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 23:34

Saz12 · 14/03/2025 23:10

The three youngest are going on their first holiday with you. Eldest DS is only coming to help 9-y-old DS.

So you tell DS that! Point out "the younger three haven't been away at all, but I might need help with 9 y-o, so oldest DS is coming too - because he regular helps with them it seemed fairest to invite him." Any pushback, and a clear "no, this is a holiday for DC 4,5 &6. DD isnt coming either. You have lots of fantastic trips booked already".

Being told that, actually, he is nearly 18, and he cant always the only priority is important for his development.

Adult ds does not normally help with the kids . In this case he would though. But yes it's also a case that ds has been away, he's 18 in 2 weeks,

OP posts:
Feelinglost10 · 15/03/2025 17:52

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:16

You don't know his income or mine

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It doesn’t matter about income he’s literally 17??? This is a crazy post to read I can’t even lie. Wow.

Snakebite61 · 15/03/2025 18:11

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:12

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Why can't you tell him he's hard work?

Blades2 · 15/03/2025 18:38

I totally get it.
i only have two children but my eldest, gosh she is very very hard work, my youngest felt so overlooked when they were both younger, because eldest just took every minute I had with her extra needs. It really affected youngest dd and I hate myself for that.
A lot of comments here are totally disregarding that the other kids need a break, living with special need siblings is really really hard.
A break will not only help their mental health but their mums too, and since she’s the primary carer, her mental health needs to be strong. I say this as someone who had a breakdown due to being the only person doing absolutely everything for just too long.

op. I hope you and your other children get their break. How come it’s okay for DS to have three holidays and possibly a fourth if he went on this one, but it’s not okay for the younger children to have just one holiday?

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 15/03/2025 18:39

I don't think people who have never had to be a carer for their children understand. It is exhausting and has such a toll on the whole family, because everything has to be managed around that child. We can't even go on day trips because on one of my children who won't leave the house at all. It's so hard on the others who miss out on so much. If I were you, I'd go for it. You can explain it to your son as others have said, that he is already going away etc. Take the opportunity and have a wonderful time. In families with children with additional needs, chances like this don't come up very often.

Missj25 · 15/03/2025 18:55

What age is your daughter that isn’t going either ?
why isn’t she going & I wouldn’t exclude , that’s very hurtful , won’t you worry about him while you’re gone ?

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 19:08

Feelinglost10 · 15/03/2025 17:52

It doesn’t matter about income he’s literally 17??? This is a crazy post to read I can’t even lie. Wow.

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Well time i go he will be 18. He's 18 in a couple of weeks . In glad you have the money to pay for people who can actually afford it themselves.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 15/03/2025 19:15

Yeah 18 barely & you say he is hard work , well then I’d worry !
He will feel hurt & could get up to anything, you haven’t said why your daughter isn’t going & what age she is …

Kirstk · 15/03/2025 19:19

Could you not book it for the same time he goes with his sister?

Feelinglost10 · 15/03/2025 19:32

This reply has been deleted

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Hooliewhat · 15/03/2025 19:40

I get it OP, I have 2 kids with different needs and
when they are together it ranges from bearable
(many minor tiffs and and upsets throughout day) to unbearable (physically and verbally hurting each other and one DC wishing themselves dead, ASD child will become angry and sometimes (but rarely) upset as he thinks we are all cross and upset for no good reason. This leaves me and DH wishing for strong medication or to just run away and sometimes, we become cross with each other for the way a situation has escalated).
Separately the DC are fine amd
we have a lovely time. We do things like holidays and days out with a mix of separately and together. Sometimes we just need a break from the constant crowd control and upset . One of mine is needy but kind, the other is needy, occasionally kind but can be vile with no empathy (ASD, not really under their control). Their needs and interests are poles apart. It’s not something I could have envisioned before having 2DC. I can’t change it, I can only manage the situation in the best way I can. Trying to make life good for everyone. When we do things separately, the other child might complain about not joining but they know they get their fair share. I usually do something with each child that the other would not enjoy. This limits the level of “unfair” response from the other DC. Every now and then I try doing together things knowing that it comes with risk of being awful experience. It is hard. Very hard. Be confident in your choices. You are making them for good reasons. You don’t need to explain yourself to strangers.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 19:47

Blades2 · 15/03/2025 18:38

I totally get it.
i only have two children but my eldest, gosh she is very very hard work, my youngest felt so overlooked when they were both younger, because eldest just took every minute I had with her extra needs. It really affected youngest dd and I hate myself for that.
A lot of comments here are totally disregarding that the other kids need a break, living with special need siblings is really really hard.
A break will not only help their mental health but their mums too, and since she’s the primary carer, her mental health needs to be strong. I say this as someone who had a breakdown due to being the only person doing absolutely everything for just too long.

op. I hope you and your other children get their break. How come it’s okay for DS to have three holidays and possibly a fourth if he went on this one, but it’s not okay for the younger children to have just one holiday?

Thank you for understanding. Yes it's definitely hard. I'm sorry your youngest was bady effected. My teen dd was to. Thres still things she does now that come from how things were. Break down must have been really hard for you to . Please don't feel bad about your dd . It wasn't your fault it's hard it really is and you try your best. I hope your OK 💐

OP posts:
LittleHangleton · 15/03/2025 20:05

This sounds very similar to the mother who tried to have 17yo son put into care, because he threw a deodorant bottke once. He moved in with adult sister, who also had her own social worker (who you thought was nicer than your social worker).

I can only imagine the sence of being not wanted.

Heyla · 15/03/2025 20:34

Could you treat your ds to something really nice while you're away. Something that he'd really like so you could say:

"I'm taking the little ones away on holiday as you're getting several holidays. Big sis is coming to look after you/keep you company and I've arranged for you to do X as a treat especially for you.

I know it's not easy having younger siblings so I thought you'd have a little break away from your little siblings and have something really special, just for you"

GabriellaFaith · 15/03/2025 20:36

I think until he is at least 18 you should treat him as the other children and pay for him. This is regardless of his or your income. He isn't an adult yet.

As for leaving him out, I'm surprised you've asked!

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 20:40

GabriellaFaith · 15/03/2025 20:36

I think until he is at least 18 you should treat him as the other children and pay for him. This is regardless of his or your income. He isn't an adult yet.

As for leaving him out, I'm surprised you've asked!

He's 18 in 2 weeks ... i don't even know why I'm replying

OP posts:
Missj25 · 15/03/2025 20:47

Well I’m going to do a 360 here OP
I apologise for giving my opinion & “advice “ when clearly , I really don’t have a clue what it is like to have kids with special needs , trying to juggle it all , day to day must be so hard alone …
Your daughter , that you are leaving your son with is an adult ( I should pay better attention to what’s being said ) ..
Obviously you deserve a holiday with your younger children , you deserve time alone , I’m kind of thinking you never get that though ..
Yes , you can explain to your son , you are going with your eldest girl on holiday with the younger kids , that you are not excluding him but this is time away with them as they are of similar age ..
like you have said he is going on holidays himself ..🤷🏻‍♀️…
Apologies again for writing unhelpful comments..
I really do hope ye have a lovely time
xx

chaosmaker · 15/03/2025 21:14

LittleHangleton · 15/03/2025 20:05

This sounds very similar to the mother who tried to have 17yo son put into care, because he threw a deodorant bottke once. He moved in with adult sister, who also had her own social worker (who you thought was nicer than your social worker).

I can only imagine the sence of being not wanted.

There was a lot more to that situation than you've made out. Do not belittle people's situations where you clearly don't understand or haven't read their full responses.

LittleHangleton · 15/03/2025 21:21

chaosmaker · 15/03/2025 21:14

There was a lot more to that situation than you've made out. Do not belittle people's situations where you clearly don't understand or haven't read their full responses.

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I know there was. A lot, lot more to it. I was summarising to ascertain that the OP's family sound the same as that OP.